The Start of a Brand New Week

So I know that some of you have been emailing me and calling me to ask about how things are going. Well, to be honest, today is a bad day. I have been trying to get my house back in order but I haven't had much luck. Or at least it doesn't feel like it anyways. I did move the playroom to the tv room like I wanted to do and that room is compeletely done, so it hasn't been a total waste of time...lol. I started on turning the old playroom into an office but haven't gone back to it. Jose and I put the two kids desks together but we haven't put the computers in there yet. Things just seem to be at a stand still.
CJ was home sick on Friday, he had strep. So since I was home with him, I took the opportunity to clean the fridge and clean the pantry. Little accomplishments give me such great joy...lol. Actually, I think that I have been burrying myself in the cleaning and organizing in hopes that my head will clear itself. In all this, the one room that I can't seem to tackle is my mother's room. I go in there, look around and the anger begins to build. The anger of how she left. The anger of the mess she left for me to clean. The anger of me allowing this to go on for so long. I know that time heals all wounds but I just never expected it to take so long. I feel like she is still effecting my life in a horrible way even though she is no longer here. Or am I just allowing her to have that hold on me. I am so confused and angry that although she is gone, this is not over yet. I think that in the long run this will be therapeutic for me to clean out her room. A sort of good-bye to the bad karma that she left behind. I might need to push myself to get there or maybe I just need to take my own time getting there.
I am really blessed to have so many wonderful people that care so much around me. I am sorry that I haven't been around much and been canceling on things. I really just need time to get through this. I guess I am not as ok as I would like to be but I know that I am on the right path. Poor Jose has had to endure my mood swings and cleaning sprees non-stop...lol. I have put him through so much already with this whole mess that I just want to actually start new with him, once and for all. So that we can be the family that we were meant to be.
So this is a new week and I am optomistic that it will be better than last and that the weeks will continue to get better. Thanks again for all of your support !

This Weekend

There was no fighting. I bent over backwards to help her. She chose to leave at 6am so that she didn't have to say goodbye to the kids or Jose. She did wake me up and I kissed her on the cheek, told her that I love her and have a safe trip. She looked at me and said "have a good day" and walked out the door. Wow, it was like she was just going to the store or something. She had no emotion at all. They left at 5:45am and returned at 6:45 because my mother forgot some important papers in a drawer. I asked them to keep me posted. John called me at 1pm to ask how to roll up her window when it gets stuck and I told him. Didn't think to ask where they were. I called them at 6pm since I still hadn't heard amything, they were in PA. I asked them to call me when they got into RI but nobody did. Larissa told me this morning that they arrived there at 11:30pm because she is good friends with my mother's best friend's grand-daughter. That is it. Still haven't heard from either one but they arrived safely there and now she is someone else's responsibility.

As for me....when she left in the morning and drove away, I broke down. I didn't expect it at all. I thought that I would feel relief for about a week and then it would hit me that she is gone. Intead I had a flood of emotions pour down onto my body. I was pissed, angry, upset, sad, happy, relieved, uplifted, amazed and scared. I felt like my body was being taken over and I cried for about 4 hours straight. Luckily the kids were sleeping and didn't know anything. Jose had no idea what to say or do. I told him that I just needed time and he gave me that. Although I feel better after talking to my best friend for hours and venting, I am still filled with all these emotions. I don't even feel like she deserves for me to feel this way. She doesn't deserve for me to shed any tears for her.

Her things. I had agreed to take all her boxes to storage after she was gone so that she could leave this weekend with John. It was our understanding that she would leave everything packed, Jose & I would pile it all in the garage until we could get them to storage. I was so pissed when I walked into her room and found that she left it all for me to pack. She simply packed up her Christmas stuff in one corner and packed the stuff she took with her. The rest is left for me to do. I can't beleive that all that time she had home alone, she didn't pack it at all. I can't believe that once again she is leaving yet another burden on me to do something. Even after the cold way that she left. If I was a different kind of person, I would put all her crap out on the curb on trash night and call it a day. But I can't do that because I have a heart. A heart that has been continuously walked over and stomped on by her repeatedly. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

I don't know who this woman is because this is NOT my mother.

I now start the healing process for me and just as importantly for Nathan. Of course the whole family will be feeling it too and has felt it...but Nathan and I have been the ones that have clearly been effected the most. I did everything that I could to make this not turn out this way. I have no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Thank you all for helping me through this.

Bitter Sweet

I was prepared for the emotions but not like this. The emotions are almost unbearable. The pain, anger and sadness out way the relief at this moment in time. For those of you that don't know, my mother has just left with John (my ex) to head back to RI. She will be there for three to four weeks and then she is heading back to Portugal for good. That is all that I can write right now since my emotions are jumbled beyond compare. I hope to be on again this week to say more. I think that I need to get some much needed rest right now.
Thanks for listening everyone.

Hello

I wanted to stop in and say hello to everyone. I have not been writing because so much has been going on that I have not had time to come up for air. I will be back on shortly, I just have to wait for a few things to get settled first.
I miss everyone, miss talking to you and miss hearing your feedback.

Zumba

I just wanted to put a little sidenote in here to let you all know that I am going to my first class of Zumba tonight. I have been told that it is a lot of fun so I have high hopes. I will hopefully be taking the class on Mondays and Thursdays from 7-8pm. I felt guilty at first taking the time away from the family but I need to take care of me. Plus I have an incredible man by my side encouraging me to do it and staying with the kids. So I hope that this a new start, that I can be on my way to losing some weight that actually needs to come off.

Oh...I also wanted to say that Nathan went on his first ski trip with boyscouts this weekend to West Virginia. He had a blast. They did skiing and tubing but he had so much more fun skiing. It was great to hear all about his trip. Can't wait to see pictures from the scout master. I will share when we get them of course.

The new semester also started for the kids today. I have not heard about Nathan's day yet but Larissa called me to tell me all about hers. She has Theatre 2, Geometry, Art I and Spanish I. She was not supposed to have Art I, it was supposed to be Civics (a mandatory class) so she is going to talk to her counselor tomorrow. She is going to PA for the weekend too with her best friend. They are going for Taylor's birthday.

Well that is it for today that I can think of. You might be hearing from me again tomorrow. I will probably be complaining about being in pain...lol...with any luck anyways !

My 2010 To-Do List !

Ok, so here is my 2010 To-Do list, finally ! I have decided to break things down into categories this year. Each year, depending on what is on the list, it tends to be arranged in different ways. So without further delay here it is:

Me:

• I was not able to actually go back to school last year due to time and money. I am making it my number one priority this year. I am not trying to take on the world, I just want to at least do one class a semester to get going again.
• I would like to get out and meet more of my neighbors. We have lived in this community for a year and a half now and I am ashamed to say that we barely know our neighbors.
• I will continue to work on my life book. I don't want to call it an autobiography because that sounds so proffessional and I am far from a writer. I do want to have my life in thoughts on paper though for my kids and grandkids someday.
• I am currently working on not yelling so much. I have to admit that I unfortunately got that from my mother and tend to yell before I even talk. I am really trying.
• Since we are talking about my mother, I want to actually work on my relationship with her. There has been a lot that has happened these past couple of years and we could use some reflection on what we have. I know that I complain a whole lot about my mother but I truly do love her.
• I would like to actually see the raises that I have not been getting in my job. I work my butt of and def deserve to recognized. But if for whatever reason, that does not happen soon, I might just be forced to look somewhere else. I want to be at a job that recognizes that work that I do.
• I am also ashamed to admit that I never started the search to get back in touch with my brother Tiago. This will be another priority that I have this year.
• Volunteer work is another avenue that I want to pursue this year. I honestly don't know where I will have the time but it is something that I seriously want to do so I will have to make the time.
• And lastly for my personal goals, I want to start putting my crafts out there to see if I can actually do something that I love as at least a side business. There is no time like the present.

Me & Jose:

• We will continue to have our monthly date nights. It has actually allowed us to get even closer, if you can believe that...lol.
• We need to work better on budgeting to allow for saving and even a little more playing. We are at a point now that we should be able to put a little aside. Every little bit counts.
• We have been successfully organizing our meet-up group. Ok, so I am the one doing most of it but he is so great about standing behind me and helping me with everything. He is just as involved in it as I am, we even added a Guys Night Out that he does. I want to continue to do this throughout this year.

The Kids:

• Obviously I would like to spend more time with the kids but there are only so many hours in a day. I want to try to spend more QUALITY time with the kids. I have realized that although we might all be in the house, we are not really spending time together. I want to work on that for them and for me.
• Night routines: God only knows that the weeknights are a nightmare. I get home from a long day at work and it is dinner, homework, baths, clean up, studying, and trying to find out how everyone's day went and what they need for the next day. I seem to be a little less organized at this point in my day. What? I can be disorganized sometimes you know. But I do want to work on this and make my night more productive than they currently are.
• PTO...I was PTO president at Larissa's school in RI and very involved in Nathan's school PTO but for some reason, I have really slacked here. I want to try to get more involved. I don't really have the time for President or anything too time consuming like that but I do want to at least join and know what is going on.

The home:

• Working on our bedroom is a must. Your bedroom should be a sanctuary but it just seems like a room with everything thrown in. I want to try to get it to the adult bedroom that both Jose and I really want.
• If we renew our lease in May (the only way we won't renew is if they raise the rent), I want to paint the kitchen. I have been saying that since we moved in and it has yet to be done.
• Cleaning the garage and organizing it will be my spring project for this year. Tons of unused space just going to waste.

Family:

• Game Night is back on and hopefully will be all year long !
• I have already started this but I need to cook healthier not only for Jose and I, but also for the kids. More veggies, less junk and leaner meats. We can do it together.
• I want to get more exercise as a family. Spend more time outdoors. That was a goal last year and I think that we failed pretty badly at that. We all know how I get in the heat. I think that I went in hybernation when the really hot weather came.

I just want to add that last year was not an all together failure. I did accomplish a lot. I did take a little more care of myself and I will continue to do that this year. I did get my nails done and still do them now. I did start up my 401k and just recently joined Aflac too. Baby steps is what it is all about. I know that things don't change overnight. You have to work at things and expect ups and downs. Moving to NC has been one of the best things that we could have done for our family. With that being said, we miss everyone we left behind in RI.

Well, that's it! That's my to-do list for 2010. Nothing that I can't really handle. I don't believe in making resolutions that you can't keep. I want to lose weight and hope that by completing some of the goals above that I will lose weight doing it but I want to feel better more than anything else. These are all attainable goals and I know that I can do it...with help from the famil of course. :o)

First Post of 2010 !

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope that everyone had a great New Year, I know that we did. I am still working on my to-do list for 2010. It has taken me longer that I thought it would because I am just looking at things differently this year. I will try to get it done this week for sure though. I also want to go over my 2009 list to see how I did. I know that I didn't get to some but it's all good. I will just add them on to this years list if it is still a priority.

Sorry that this is so short but I have a few things to get done. Talk to you all soon !