Brownies, Brownies & Brownies

So I have become quite obsessed with brownies in particular. I found this recipe for brownie covered oreos and it has led me down a dark, dark path...lol.

It's simple. All you need is a pkg of oreo cookies and a box of brownie mix (plus whatever your brownie mix calls for). You make your brownie batter as the box tells you, then you dunk each oreo (one at a time) into the batter and let the access drip off and place one oreo in each muffin spot of a greesed muffin pan. Bake @ 350 for 12 minutes and they are done. As soon as they come out of the oven, you need to take a knife and go around the oreo or it will stick. Then allow to cool and remove. They are so cute. See the obsession? :o)

So I made my first batch. They came out perfect and I brought them to work. Everyone loved them so I started to think about the variety that I could do here. I got some great suggestions about the Halloween Oreo and the Christmas Oreo but they would taste the same so I was anxious to try the mint ones.

So I got my box of brownie mix:

and my mint brownies:

And made my new brownies:

What I have learned is that cooking spray is no good for these. It comes over the brownie and makes the brownie crisp around the edges as you see in these. Not my best batch but you get the idea.

Once I finished all the mint oreo cookies, I still had batter so I used up the regular oreo cookies too. But how was I going to tell them apart? I mean not everyone likes mint so I had to be able to say which ones were which. I heated up some white cocolate and drizzled it over the regular oreo cookies so that I could tell them apart. To my surprise, I still had batter left over (maybe I shouldn't have bought the family size brownie boxes...lol). So I looked around my kitchen and found this:

I bought the no salt added peanut butter and the family hates it. I thought that by adding it to the extremely sweet brownies that it would be offset but I don't think I was successful. I created these:

So when I was done, here was the trio that I had to offer:

In order they are brownie covered mint oreo cookies, brownie covered regular cookies with white chocolate drizzled on it and peanut butter brownies. Aren't they pretty?

Pictures

Yesterday I promised you pictures. I think that this all started when I took the cake decorating classes. It was four weeks for the first course and these were my projects.

The first week we practiced on cookies. Here is my favorite cookie that I decorated:

Then we did our first cake, sorry for the blurry picture.

And then we made cupcakes with different tips we learned how to use. I really hated that blue one. Some of the girls did such a great job but mine was horrible.

The last thing we did was our final exam cake which I am really proud of:

It appears as though I got the bug to make things after that. I made cupcakes for Jose's birthday.

then I made cupcakes for my neice, Brooklyn's birthday.

Then I made cake pops just because I felt like making them

And finally the girls at work started to get spoiled and started requesting things. This was the first strange creation.

These are chocolate cookie covered s'mores. They were not the easiest thing to make but once I got the hang of them, they were not that bad. They were a hit at work.

So this was the beginning of my baking obsession. That is what my daughters says. She says that I have become obsessed. I am just happy to have people appreciate what I do. Everyone at work has been happy with all my treats and it is wonderful to get such great feedback.

I will do another post on my brownie creations.

Baking and More Baking

I don’t like to bake.

Well…I don’t like to bake in the traditional sense. I mean, why do I need to measure out the flour, the sugar, the baking powder and everything else you need when I can go to the store and buy a box that already has everything in it measured out for me. Doing all that just has never really interested me.

I have always been more of a cook. You know, a little bit of this and a little bit of that and it comes out different every time but it comes out great. I like that if you don’t have butter, you can use oil or spray or if you don’t have chicken, you can make it with beef or shrimp. I am not very good at having all the things on hand and measuring. It’s a taste thing. I make it to taste, sometimes a little more and sometimes a little less depending on my mood.

So you can imagine my surprise when I find myself baking. I mean baking a lot. It started with cake pops. Then it was chocolate chip covered s’mores. Then it was brownie covered oreos. And some cupcakes and muffins mixed in between too.
Here is what I have realized. I don’t like to bake, I like to create. I like creations. I don’t just like to make brownies. I like the oreo covered brownies and I have tried the regular oreos and the mint oreos and even threw some peanut butter into some brownies when I had batter left over. It is all about the creation to me. Most of what I have been doing is from a box but I have doctored it up to be a new creation. Not my creations. I can’t take credit for them, but I have played with the ideas until they worked for me.

I can’t seem to get the chocolate thin enough on the cake pops to make them smooth the way that they should be but that didn’t stop me. As a matter of fact, everyone likes them just the way they are. I am excited about trying out the Halloween oreos so that I can make the brownie covered oreos with the orange crème. I am picking my brain at what I can sprinkle on top to make them festive on the outside as well as on the inside. It’s all about being prettier. You do eat with your eyes first after all.

So this past weekend I made the brownie covered oreos for our friends from MA that came to spend the day with us. They seemed to like them a lot. Then Sunday I made apple cinnamon muffins in the morning for breakfast and I made brownie covered mint oreos for a party that I went to for a girl here at work. I had made the regular ones before for work and she requested that I make them. I thought that it would be cool to try the mint ones and they were a huge hit. I had extra batter left over so I used up some leftover regular ones from Saturday and I drizzled some white chocolate over them so that people would know which ones were regular and which ones were mint. And I still had more batter leftover so I added peanut butter to those. My family wasn’t fond of the peanut butter ones so that is motivation for me to play with them a bit more until I can make ones they love.

I will post pictures tomorrow of all my goodies that I have been talking about today.

The 2012-2013 School Year

The 2012-2013 school year has officially begun. Begun…is that the correct way to say that or should I say began. Oh well, let me go on.

CJ and Nathan started school on Wednesday and Larissa started school on Thursday. It is really too soon to tell what kind of year it’s going to be but I will do everything in my power to make it the best possible year. Of course, I tried to do the same thing last year but that failed….literally. Honestly though, I think that both Nathan and Larissa gave up at some point making any efforts on my part or on the part of the school completely pointless.

I have signed up for MMS. That is a parental site that allows me to see what assignments they have due, when they are due and if they are handed in. I can also see grades once they are posted, or at least that is what I am told. So far, Nathan has three assignments due in Physical Science so I can sort of tell how the site works. I am not sure yet if it will be as good as I had hoped though. The assignments are listed by name but that means nothing to me. So I still have no idea what is due, just that an assignment named “the maze” is due on Sept 4th. Now I know what that is because Nathan told me but I am pretty sure that at one point, I am going to tell him something is due and he won’t know what I am talking about. Or Larissa for that matter.

Larissa seems excited about this school year. Apparently she never really like the kids in her class last year and all of her friends were juniors anyways so she will be graduating with them now. I just don’t understand my daughter. I am pretty sure that is not reason enough to throw away a year’s worth of education and of life just to graduate with your friends. But then again, there is little that I truly understand about the way that Larissa thinks of her education. She is looking forward to the yearbook and prom and graduation and her class ring. Most of those things she never got to do last year or even showed any interest in. Right now, I am just staying optimistic because that is all that I can do. I want to be supportive of the things she does. Here she is the first day of school. She hates her hair that she had to chop off because she destroyed it from dying it too much so she wasn’t thrilled to take the picture.

CJ loves his teacher too. He misses some of the kids that are not in his class anymore but he still sees them at recess and lunch so it’s not a big deal. He enjoys school and I hope to keep it that way. Watching CJ grow just makes me smile. He enjoys spending so much time outside and I love that he does. He plays with the neighbors each and every day. I wonder what will happen when the weather turns cold and it’s too cold to play outside. Here is picture right before heading off to the first day of school. He could not wait to get out the door.

CJ has started karate. He has had his first two meetings and his classes start next week. He will be going every Tuesday and Thursday. He can go as many times during the week as he wants at no additional cost. I love the karate school that he is enrolled in. I think that they will help him grow into a well-rounded boy. I really wanted Nathan to go too but he has no interest in it at all. I won’t push it on him. Here is CJ getting his white belt. They teach the kids that all things in life must be earned so he had to earn his white belt. I think that is awesome.

Nathan has been doing better on his meds. He has been playing with CJ and getting things done. He has already started his project that is due on Sept 4th and it’s not a rushed project, he is actually taking time to make it look really nice. I am proud of him and I hope that this is an indication of what the school year will be like for us. He still shows no interest in any extra-curricular activities but I am enjoying the small changes. The biggest thing is that it has not changed his personality. He is still a clown and full of jokes. I don’t ever want his personality to be masked by the meds. Here he is the first day of school. He really does not like to take pictures at all.

So that is it. That is how the school year has started. I hope to have some good progress this year and will try to document it all here. I hope everyone has a great 2012-2013 school year !

Preparing Nathan for School

Yesterday I took Nathan to the doctor. It was not his physical but it was an appointment to discuss his meds and get him to where he needs to be for the first day of school.

I have always struggled with the option of medication. I only wanted to use it as a last resort. Last school year, after failing several classes first quarter, I worked with his doctor to get him on 26mg of Concerta. That worked ok, no side effects and his concentration seemed to improve. On our first appointment back to the doctor to discuss how it has been working, Nathan mentioned that it appeared to be wearing off too early and he wasn’t able to get through his homework. So his medication was changed to 36 mg of Concerta but extended release. I have to admit that I did notice a good change in Nathan. He was not as argumentative at home and most importantly, he maintained his colorful personality…lol. Nathan is a comedian and a jokester and I didn’t want that to change because I have seen kids get medicated to the point that they are no longer themselves.

Second quarter report card was great. He got all B’s and C’s…which is great. He brought up every single grade. We had also taken away his laptop after the first quarter report card since we thought the amount of time he was spending on it might have been a factor in his grades as well. So I was happy with how that quarter ended. So happy that we gave Nathan his laptop back at the beginning of the third quarter as a reward.

Unfortunately, when the prescription ran out a couple of weeks into third quarter, we needed to go in for another evaluation to get a refill prescription and I had just started working and could not take the additional time to do that since I had already taken so many days already. Days ran into weeks and weeks into months and I was just so used to Nathan being back to “his normal” that I didn’t think it was a big deal. Well third quarter report card came and he had dropped in all his subjects again and failed many of them. I wasn’t really convinced that it was all the medication that had made him do so well because we had also taken away his laptop. Then he went off of the medication and he got his laptop back so I wasn’t sure what to think. Since I was still skeptical with the medication, I decided to keep him off the medication but take away his laptop again.

I got the confirmation that I needed. Even without the laptop and any distractions, Nathan failed his 8th grade year. I know that it is not entirely not my fault but I should have kept him on the medication. I feel as though I am hurting him by making him struggle. I had always thought of medication as a crutch and not as an aide.

I did a lot of thinking over the summer and I stared at his report card, I knew that I had made the wrong decisions. I made the appointment to take him back to discuss medication once again. So as I said at the very beginning of this post, yesterday we went to the doctor. We all made the decision to put him back on 36mg of Concerta and see how that reacts with him. He gained 14 lbs and grew 4 inches in the last 10 months so the same medication might need some tweeking. I am willing to take him as many times as necessary to get Nathan the help that he needs to be the best Nathan he can be this year.

This is going to be an amazing 2012-2013 school year !

Cake Decorating Anyone

Yesterday I took my first cake decorating class. I had such a good time. I was shocked, in a good way, at what I learned. I assumed it was just cake decorating. I learned all about how to make sure your cake comes out the way that you want it to and how to make my own homemade frosting. I learned how to make star tips which is the tip used to make all the form cakes that Wilton sells like this one

…see all those little stars. I can make those now ! What a great feeling. I mean you have all seen the cakes that I have made in the past. They might not be anything you would sell at the store but I am certainly proud of them. But now I can be even prouder of what I make.

What is even better is that I have people that want to take them too so I am going to wait a month to take the other class so that we can take them all together. Didi wants to take them and so does Dalissa. It would be great to take the next courses with them both.

Let’s see who else I might be able to get in with me….lol!

Perfect for us

Our house is officially a HOME. Our HOME!

Our home is perfect. It is perfect for us. And now that things are finally falling into place, things feel right. Everything seems a little brighter and easier to deal with. Life is not easy. Our lives are not easy. As a matter of fact, we have some things that we are having a little trouble getting over the hurdles but they seem bearable now. It’s not that the problems have gotten easier but since there is less stress from the house, it means less on my shoulders and that means it feels lighter.

When I walk into the front door, I smile. There are still stacks of boxes left to unpack and things still left to take to Good Will and maybe even a few things that I would love to get for our new home but it already feels perfect. It fits like a glove…for our family.

I remember when I first saw the house. The landlord kept telling me about all the things wrong with it. The things that could mean it’s a deal breaker for us. Things I wish our old landlord had bothered to sit down and tell us about our previous house. All the things that he told me though, were not deal breakers for us. The bathroom doesn’t have a window. Would it be good to have one? Sure but it certainly is not a deal breaker. The biggie that might really scare many families away is that there are no closets. Yes you heard me right. There are no closets in the bedrooms at all. There is one big closet off of the dining room which is where we have our holiday stuff and our vacuum and things like that. We have a basement for storage also but I hate basements and try to keep what we put down there to a minimum. I even pared down on my holiday stuff and will probably go through it again to pare down some more. The great thing about not having closets is that you can’t just shove things in the closet and you really need to think about what you keep. We have found alternate forms of storage that fit us. We have a free standing wardrobe that holds all our hanging clothes. I have cut down moving boxes that fit perfectly under the bed that I will cover with pretty wrapping paper so that it looks good. We got a big armoire for the dining room that holds all our board games and my craft stuff. There is a dresser beside the computer desk to hold all the computer stuff out of sight.

We have gotten rid of so much unwanted stuff. I am sure that we will get rid of so much more. I hate a cluttered house. I want to enjoy what we have. I have found stuff from three houses ago that we forgot we had. Like CJ’s igloo tent that we bought at Ikea three years ago. It was buried in a box somewhere and we couldn’t enjoy it because it was packed away. The great thing was that I washed it, put it up and he didn’t even remember it so it was like getting a new one all together. He had a blast playing with it this weekend.

I am enjoying our house and can't wait to start entertaining in our new home.

We Got The Keys !

Here is the entrance to our beautiful new home ! I could just stare at it forever. I hope this house brings us lots of luck.

A few more pics of the kitchen:

And the dining room

And the living room

And the living room from the other side

And lastly (for now) two pics of the plain old bathroom

I will spare you all the plain pics of the bedrooms that just look like empty shells. I will throw them in for a before and after once they are done. :o)

A New Addiction and a Perfect Saying

I seem to sway from one addiction to another. Well that is not entirely true. The truth is that I like to do it all, just not at the same time. I read in a blog recently something that pretty much sums me up.

Recently in my local blog reads, I came across this (http://theivycottageblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-could-make-that-syndrome.html) on The Ivy Cottage. It is so ME !

I so have the “I could make that” syndrome. Every time I see something in blogland or even in stores, I think…I could make that (for so much less too). I have a gift and I sometimes forget that it is a gift. Each time some new craze hits the blogs, I try it and I can pretty much do it with little or no ease at all. It seems so simple to me and failure is not something I fear. If it doesn’t come out the way that I want it, I can always try again. No harm in trying.

So although this is not new, it is new to me. I have started repurposing furniture. It started with what I had and then grew to cheap Good Will finds and now has grown to what I can get for free…curbside even.

Monday night my neighbor that is actually about five houses down put a rocking chair out on the curb. This rocking chair to be exact.

I was not thinking about getting a rocking chair but it was out there…for free and it looked like it was in pretty good shape. I put my thoughts aside and thought, do I really need a rocker? Well at work that same day, I was surfing the net and came across a painted rocking chair. This painted rocker:

This chair didn’t really look anything like the one on the curb but it started to stir thoughts in my head…that is never a good thing…lol.

I passed it again on my way home and noticed that nobody had scooped it up yet. We live on a small street and it’s a one way so it doesn’t get a whole lot of traffic. I decided that I was going to stop thinking about it. Tuesday morning it was still there and at work again (yes I work too while at work) I did a search for painted chairs and I decided that if the chair was still there when I got home then I was going to get it. This is the exact chair painted.

And although I don’t like the color of this chair because it is too bright and I am not fond of the distressed look either, I think it would look great in the one that I originally saw. Besides, if I don’t like it green, I can paint it white and I know it would look great in white.

So guess what? Yup, it was there. So I walked it home in all its glory. It really is a great rocking chair and perfect for a reading corner I hope to make at the new house. It has one spindle that has come loose but nothing that a little wood glue won’t fix.

Can’t wait to work my magic on it!

The Packing Begins...

This is what my house looks like…everywhere !

Yesterday I mentioned our new place and I told you that I would tell you more later. Well, later is now. :o)

For those of you that don’t know, I have been less than happy in our current place. It wasn’t all bad and the thought of moving makes my skin crawl, I am not kidding, but I couldn’t make it feel like home no matter how hard I tried. So we notified our landlords that we were leaving and we started our search.

Our search wasn’t that long but it seemed insanely long to me. It’s true that you make up your mind about a place within the first 30 seconds in the house. Everything that we looked at was tiny. Leaving was our choice so we wanted to be sure to be going somewhere better, not worst and I wasn't interested in settling. Our needs were that we stay within walking distance for Larissa’s job, within CJ’s school district, would allow our cats and fit our family with parking for two cars and laundry somewhere in the building. Our wants were 4 bedrooms and room to spread out and preferably all on one level. I like simple. I don’t care about all the extra stuff that people tend to fuss so much about when looking for places.

I got a good feeling from the landlord right away, despite the fact that his mother had just passed the day before. He seemed genuine and just really proud of his rentals. And he seems as though he was really interested in good people coming in. I know all landlords say that but he really seems like he means it.

I got a great feeling from the house too. It is so spacious and it has everything we wanted and more. We have the four bedrooms that we wanted. We have a large eat in kitchen and this only shows you half of it:

And a dining room and a really large living room. The living room has sliding doors that open to the fenced in back yard. This picture was taken from the kitchen and you can see the dining room (the room with the hardwood floors) and into the living room and out to the backyard. I love how open it feels:

Here is a picture of the living room and the sliding doors. You really can't tell how big it really is in this picture though. CJ just had to get in the picture of course:

I really need to take more pictures because I just snapped these real quick to get something. If I had to pick one thing that I don’t like about the apartment it would be the dark kitchen. I can definitely find a way to lighten it up with all my white accessories but I think that the landlord would even let us paint it with time. For now though, I just want to work with what we have. Jose likes the wood and ironically so does everyone else that sees it. There are so many windows in the house though that it’s bright and full of light. I love it. Can you tell that I love it?

We are all super excited about the move, including the kids. Of course, that makes me even happier. So I put the deposit on the place yesterday afternoon and the packing started. I got stuck because I really wanted to pack stuff in the kitchen and I realized that I didn’t have any newspaper to wrap things in so I stopped packing. I will be stopping at the store today to get a couple newspapers and the packing will continue.

I am heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel and it looks really bright.

Dining Room Chair Make-over

I was busy this weekend. I have had a dining room table and 6 chairs that my best friend gave to me because she was wanted to get rid of them this past summer when she was updating her house.

My plan had been to use the table as a train table. I was planning on removing the legs and putting wheels and then being able to roll it under the couch when not in use. Plans don’t always work out the way that you plan them though. I did remove the legs, I did add the wheels but the table was much bigger than I had planned and I didn’t realize that we have a leg in the couch right in the middle for support so the table could not roll under it. That left me with a ginormous table on wheels in the middle of the living room. Not what I was looking for. So the table went out to the shed and the chairs into the basement. The chairs were just given to me because they were part of the set and I figured that with all the entertaining that we do, we could always use extra chairs. Then we took them outside during a cook-out and we sort of forgot about them. They were out there in the weather for several months, thankfully under the porch overhang but they got pretty beat up anyways. I brought them into the basement and just left them there.

Well now that we found our new place that we will be moving to (more on that later), I have space for my godmother’s table that is currently being used in the breezeway just as an entry table with the funky lime green chairs currently in our kitchen/dining area in the kitchen but we also have a dining room in the new place. So my plan is to use the big table we use in the kitchen now in the dining room and I got to thinking about those chairs that I was going to donate to Good Will. Could I fix them up to use them in a formal way in our dining room?

These are the chairs before. The wood has begun to crack from being out in the elements. The cushions are stained from the rain and the leaves and the dirt. But not unsalvageable. What could I do with them?

I started by wiping them down and removing the cushions. They are sturdy and just needed some tightening of the screws to reinforce them. This is what they looked like before I started.

And you can see the cushion on the left here. I decided to paint them white and try a funky but formal fabric on the seat cushions. So I ran to JoAnn’s Fabrics and got a couple of yards of a fabric that really grabbed my attention. The fabric was priced at $7.99/yard but it rang up at $5.99/yard, which made me a very happy girl.

So here is the next step. I primed the chairs with spray primer. It’s faster and you get a lot of coverage. After I applied the primer though, I realized that the split wood was even more noticeable than it was when the chairs were just wood tone.

This is what they looked like where the wood was split. Not so pretty. So I ran out to Lowe’s and bought a small jar of wood filler. I came home and started to fill the gaps and sanded a little and primed over where I had put the wood filler and covered the cushions. I didn’t take a picture of covering the cushions but I am sure you get the idea.

This was my finished product:

I think they came out great ! I love them and I can’t wait to move them into the new house and use them. They make me very happy and it cost me very little. To think that I was going to donate them and then I would have been looking for chairs. So glad that I have an ambitious creative side. What do you think of the make-over?

Happy Birthday Nathan

Today is Nathan’s birthday. Nathan is 14 years old today. I don’t know where the time has gone but it certainly does not feel as though he could be 14.

Nathan is a fun loving quiet kid. He can be shy until he is comfortable, then watch out. He loves attention. He has been the class clown at school which has often gotten him in trouble. But at home he is such a loving child. He is caring and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And he gives the most unbelievable hugs.

I didn’t get to see Nathan this morning. He spend the night at his dad’s. They share a birthday and they shared it this year for the first time. It is bittersweet for me. I want Nathan to have a relationship with his father and he is building one. He is so grown. He isn’t my little boy anymore. How I wish that he was still my little boy learning to walk.

I hope that today brings him all the joy and happiness that he deserves. I love you Nathan. Happy 14th!

Repurposing Furniture

The time to move it getting closer and the stress has me a little on edge. The thought of moving again…well, I just don’t have to say it because I have said it a million times and everyone knows how I feel. I am starting to feel like a broken record. :o)

Last night my brother in law brought me a new/old dresser. First of all, I just want to say that yes, I do still call Marco my brother in law even though he is my ex-husband’s brother. My ex is a screw up for all intent and purposes and his family is a little on the crazy side, ok maybe a lot of the crazy side, but they have been there for me and they can really be wonderful. I am blessed to have the love and support of many families. Anyways, I got off track. Marco has a business where he goes and cleans out houses for real estate companies and small companies too. He gets to keep what is there. I had been on the hunt for some good quality furniture at very low prices. I am just tired of the cheap furniture that falls apart just months after buying it. My free kitchen table is one of my keepers and first attempt at making something old new and great. I love that table. I am not sure if I will keep it or not depending on our new space but I am confident that if I don’t keep it that I will get a new old table that will make me just as happy. So Marco has brought me two dressers in total and they are beautiful. They are old but they are solid. I have not done anything with them yet. I am still undecided where each dresser will go. The boys both need dressers and so did I. That was a minimum. I feel like my house is slowly coming together with things that I really love though. Not someone else’s furniture given to me, ironic since it is someone else’s furniture and it is almost being given to me…lol. But this furniture is really what I have been looking for. I can’t wait to take time and actually get to work on them. But once again, I can’t do that until I decide what room they are going in.

This is the first one. It is currently in our living room. It landed there totally by accident. I didn’t know where to put it so instead of having it hauled up the stairs, I just told them to put it in the space the I had in the living room. It has very helpful in housing our board games that were usually stacked up on the floor and now provides a surface for our 3D tv and PSP3 that were in our bedroom but have somehow made its way downstairs. My intention is to take the electronics back to our bedroom and use the dresser in one of the bedrooms but the size of the piece seems to work well in holding the games and CJ’s lego’s. Depending on the new house that we find, I might decide to not use it in a bedroom. It would look great in an entry with two lamps on it. Since I have no clue what kind of space we will have in our new place, I will have to wait to do any work on them. :o( Yes, this makes me very sad.

But this is what I would love to do with it:

This is the second one. What a great piece. I do have to use some finishing nails for a part in the side but it is in great shape and it’s solid. This one is currently just hanging out in my hallway upstairs. God only knows where it will end up. I think that I will be moving it into our bedroom tonight though so that I can put some of my clothes away and so that I can start to get some organization with the new pieces. I am not sure that it won’t end up being for either of the boys. We will see. Only time will tell.

So that is the adventures of my found trash to treasure pieces. I am very happy working on making our house a home…well, at least the things in our house….lol.

Finding My Way Back...

I am having a hard time. I have been sent in several different directions and I am having a hard time finding my way back to me.

I have to find a way to get myself back. I can feel myself disappearing...not literally, although that would be nice too...lol. I just don't know what is going on. I feel like I am going through the motions but this is not my life.

I am usually so motivated and straight forward. I want something, I go after it and I get it. Things like that make me happy. Being creative makes me happy. Being with my family makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. But nothing has been doing that for me lately. I am aware of it. I know that I have to change. I know that I have to get a grip on my life and get it back. I know that only I can make me happy!

I have put the blame on the move for a while. The move that I promised myself I did knowing what I was getting into. I did and I do. But I miss NC. I miss is way more than I ever imagined that I would. Of course, it doesn't help that our house here is far from "home". Which brings me to excuse #2. Maybe once we find a home here that really is home that it will feel like "home" to me. But who am I really kidding. I know that home is where you make it. I know that in order for me to feel like I am home that I need to make it home. The bigger question is, can I do that?

I have been feeling bummed. I have been down. I need to pick myself up and start over again. No more excuses. Only steps forward.

Here I go !

I am NOT ok

I am NOT ok.

So much has happened in my life in the past five years. With each blow to my life, I deal with it the best way that I know how and simply tell everyone. “I am ok.”

I am NOT ok.

I am NOT ok with how my mother treated my kids.

I am NOT ok that I don’t have a relationship with my mother and she is gone out of my life.

I am NOT ok that my mother in law has cancer and there is always a chance of losing her too.

I am NOT ok that my daughter decides to “speak her mind” and tell me that the one man that has been there for her consistently for the past 10 years, she doesn’t like because he cares enough to discipline her.

I am NOT ok with Jose telling me that he was never happy in NC and we are most likely not going back. Who am I fooling. I know we aren’t.

I am NOT ok with my daughter and my son failing school. They just don’t understand how important it is.

I am NOT ok with my daughter lying to me, doing things behind my back and having a complete disregard for my rules and herself.

I am NOT ok with Jose not knowing how much more he can handle.

I am NOT ok.

Happy Birthday Pa

I have not been on here for a while. I seem to have gotten lost in everyday life. First it was one thing, then it was another and now it’s just me.

Today is my godfather’s birthday. Some years it hits me like a ton of bricks and others I am ok with it all. My godfather passed when I was 16. You would think that 22 years later, I would be ok but I am not this year. I am pretty sure that it’s everything rolled into this bundle of depression that I feel. I am usually a pretty optimistic person. It’s not even that I am not optimistic because I still am but things are really lingering on me right now. I miss my godfather more than words could express. I wonder what my life would be like if he was still here with me. I would love for my kids to have known him. I know that he is a better place and that he is free from all the pain and suffering that he endured his last months here on earth. My tears are out of pure selfishness. I wish he was here with me. I know he is happy dancing in heaven with my godmother. I know that I will see them both again someday.

Although my godfather passed when I was just 16, he lives in me each and every day. He and my godmother are the MOST influential people in my life. Their family values, their unconditional love, their marriage, their godchildren…it is all what I base my life on. I strive to be as wonderful as they were. Not that they didn’t have problems, everyone has problems but even how they dealt with their problems is to be commended. I am who I am because of them both.

Being back in RI has allowed me to visit the cemetery whenever I want, which has turned out to be a lot. I sneak over there as often as I can. For some reason, it feels like I am with them when I am there. That must sound weird to some of you. I have taken a beach towel and just sat there talking…loudly. I sometimes wonder if there are cameras and if people sit laughing at this crazy girl talking to herself. I cry, I laugh, I tell them about my life and how much I miss them.

Visiting the graves is bittersweet to me because the next grave over is my godmother’s sister and her husband who I grew up with as my aunt and uncle. It was my Uncle Jim that gave me away at my wedding to Larissa and Nathan’s father. They were always there for me and my mother and then one day my mother got into a fight with them and they stopped existing to us. As I got older, I tried to go there and continue the relationships we once had but they were so angry at my mother that I became an outcast too. I will never really know why they would not welcome me back but the pain will always be there.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was able to spend the morning and early afternoon with my best friend’s family celebrating Nori Rain’s 6th birthday. My little sis’ little girl. They are my family. Pretty much my only family left. Then I went to the cemetery to visit my godparents. It got me thinking about family and all that has happened with my mother this year. How it has affected my relationship with my brother and sister. How there are times when I really feel alone. Like my family in Portugal has forgotten all about me. And then I went home and my aunt called me. I picked up the phone in tears. She was just calling to check on me. It was just what I needed. My aunt made me feel better. Although that is just what I needed, I have not fully bounced back from the feeling. This feeling of emptiness. I feel like my world is a little right side up.

But today is not about me. It’s about the most amazing godfather, grandfather and father that I have had. He was all three to me. He is my shining star. You are in my thoughts today and always. I love you Pa. I hope that you are having an amazing celebration with the love of your life. You deserve infinite happiness.

Larissa Has Made A Decision

Larissa has made a decision. We had another nice talk at the airport last night. Turns out that she has made some decisions already that I was not aware of. She definitely wants to go back to NC when she turns 18. Not sure if she will feel the same way after this trip.

Why you might ask? Well, as I stated in my post yesterday, I don’t think you can always go back to things the way that they were because life is never the same. People’s lives change. When you are in high school, your whole world revolves around your friends but then people get lives. People get jobs, they get married, they have babies and they no longer have the same time available that they once did. I am not saying that this will happen but it could.

Now back to the fact that she wants to move back when she turns 18. I am ok with it. I am really ok with it. This might be what she needs to spread her wings and fly. On the other hand, this may be what she needs to fall and learn how to get back up. No matter what comes of this choice she had made, it’s her choice and I respect that. I moved out of my mother’s house when I was 18 and I made it. We are two different people and I am sure that she will head down a different road than I did but that is part of growing up. I can’t protect her from getting hurt. It is getting hurt that makes you stronger. I actually think that this is the best choice for her. She needs to grow on her own.

She did tell me that her short term plans are to graduate in June 2012, work here to save up money until she is 18, move to NC and stay with Nina (she says that she has checked with Nina’s mom) until her and Nina can save up for a place of their own. I believe it can happen…if she wants it bad enough. I am also pretty sure that she has not thought the whole thing through but I can honestly say that I had not thought the whole thing through when I moved out of my mother’s either. It’s something that you learn as you go along. She will be paying for her cell phone bill and she has to find a way back and forth to work. If that is by way of a car then she needs to pay for insurance and if it’s by way of bus then she needs to budget for that. I will be sure to try to help her plan for all this before she goes.

It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t even feel real that she is turning 18, never mind moving away from me. I knew this day would come though and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. It is bitter sweet. I finally feel like she is growing up and that makes me proud but I am going to miss her being with me every day. I have to stop thinking about this now or I will end up tearing up.

Larissa's Trip

Larissa is leaving for NC tonight. She will be back first thing on Sunday morning. She gets to go for 5 days of her 10 days that she could have gone.

She is super excited and I am sort of excited for her too. She has been working extra hard since our last talk. She has brought up all her grades and is proud of her efforts which means more to me than the actual grades. We even talked about her future.

She has a plan! Did you hear the angels in Heaven sing praises...lol. Seriously. I was floored. Her plan is to graduate June 2012 and then move onto a 2 year community college. Depending on her actions though, she might not go right into the community college. She has not decided yet if she wants to go back to NC to live or not. If she goes then she will have to work for a year before enrolling in a community college and getting in state rates. If she is staying then she can enroll here right away but once her classes are paid for, she can't change her mind about going until the semester is over. We had a nice talk and that is all that I can ask for.

I think that this trip will be an eye opener for her. You all know what I am talking about. You think that everyone is going to stop what they are doing to come see you and that is not how it really happens. You have your really great friends that will do that and then everyone else is just too busy to fit you into their busy schedule.

I hope she has a great time though and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Working Hard for What You Want

I was sitting with my daughter last night talking about how if you want something in life, you have to work for it. Seriously, she is 17 years old. She will be 18 this year and she simply does not realize that !

Everything has always just happened for her. She is a good kid but the least motivated I have ever seen. Ok, maybe not the least but pretty darn close. She does as little as possible all the time and then tries to make up for it last minute and has always managed to get by, by the skin of her teeth. This has created a monster in her that she doesn’t see. It has given her this feeling of invincibility that she should have already shaken as a child.

The conversation started out simple enough. I told her that she knew going into this year what it was going to mean. You either put your nose to the grindstone and do what you need to do to graduate or you don’t graduate. There is very little wiggle room for her at all. Somehow, that was not enough for her to do it. She bombed first quarter. I mean bombed with a capital “U” which if you don’t know, that is any grade below a 32. I tried explaining to her then that this was going to make it even harder for her to graduate and she needed to step up. Second quarter report cards came and a wave of emotions went through me. Just me. Because somehow these grades don’t seem to affect her.

Here’s the deal. She did bring up all her grades but Algebra. I have to be proud of that, second quarter grades seemed pretty good. I have agreed to let her go to NC for February vacation but not for the amount of time we discussed. She was pissed. Here was my simple explanation : You gave me some of what I wanted and I am giving you some of what you wanted. She did bring her grades up but because of her low grades first quarter, she is still failing most of her classes. And from my standpoint, as her mother, I see the big picture. She did work on her stuff but not in the way that an almost adult should be working on her grades knowing that her graduation is hanging on thread. She has no motivation, no drive. She needed to work much harder and she knew that. She didn’t work to her potential and then come short. She just did what she needed to do once again just to get by. I saw that in her daily work. I expected more from her and made that clear to her going into second quarter. She did not step it up like she should have and I am not going to step it up either.

I saw that I wasn’t really getting through to her, I really shouldn’t be surprised but I was. I decided to try to change up how I was explaining things to her. She had told me the week before that one of her friends just found out that he was accepted to the college that was his first choice. I told her that is an amazing feeling to get something that you really wanted and worked hard for. She took that the wrong way and just blurted out “you know that college is not an option for me so that is not fair.” What crossed my mind instantly but didn’t come out of my mouth was “that is not my problem, that is not an option because you chose to let it happen” but I didn’t say that. Instead I explained to her that I meant the comment “generally” and I do. I mean that to apply to all aspects of her life. I explained that I just want her to want something, work for it and feel what it feels like to get it. I told her that if graduation is something she wants (and she says that is something she really wants) then she needs to do whatever it takes to get there and feel the proudness of walking that stage at the end of the year. I told her that I want it more for her than for me. If she stays back, all the means for me is that she has to go to high school one more year. It really is not going to change my life but it will change her life.

We discussed how that same motivation applies to finding a job, especially in this economy. I told her that she isn’t doing enough, she needs to call, she needs to let potential employers know that she is serious about getting a job. If she isn’t willing to do all that then she doesn’t really want a job. I was clear in explaining to her that I never thought she would be at this point in her life like this. She is such a smart girl but she just doesn’t care enough about the right things. I want her to have a job and get her own money and go to the store to buy things without having to ask anyone for money. I want her to know what it feels like to have your own money to spend on what you want because you earned it. I want her to feel accomplishment. But she just isn’t willing to work hard enough to get it and that disappoints me beyond words.

She needs to stop being handed things. Maybe I am an enabling her to a point too, at least Jose thinks so. She did improve and I want her to know that I noticed so that she will continue to improve but I want her to know that it is not enough. I want more. The more you give me, the more I give you. I want to see her grow into a responsible and motivated young lady and I am scared that I have not been able to guide her enough to get her there. Where have I gone wrong?

It's Official

I had such a great time at the Simply Said Designs Training this past weekend. I was bummed that I had to wait for my tax money to order the kit but now it's official. I went on this morning and ordered my kit. I am officially a Simply said Designs consultant. As soon as my kit comes in then I can start having parties. I need to think about my Launch party too.

Not having my kit certainly did not stopped me from starting to think about my parties though. I actually worked on my booking ideas this weekend. The training gave us a lot to think about and the ladies all had some great ideas. I decided on my booking idea and decided to run with it.

I have decided to do themes since that is what I really enjoy doing. I did my cards up and here are the ones that I think would be the biggest hits:

A Dessert Party with what else but all kinds of dessert.

A Mexican Party with tacos or nachos.

A Pizza Party with what else...pizza!

A Beach Party with coconut drinks and picnic food.

A Wine & Cheese Party...self explanitory and I think that this might be the most popular.

And A St Patrick's Day Party...I still have to think about this one a little bit more.

The St Patrick's Day party stands for the Holiday party that will be switched as the holidays change. If I see that there is little interest with some then they will come out and maybe different ones will go in. It's all about having fun. The more fun people have, the more they will want to have parties. Right?!

My goal is to have several food and drink ideas on the back of the cards to help the hostess out. I want to take the hassle out of having the party.

Wish me luck !