what I am NOT doing

Larissa is a senior in high school. After reading another post that I love to read daily (Clover Lane), I started to really think about how much I am missing the college application process with my daughter. I am not filling out applications, I am not visiting schools and I am not discussing majors.

I was raised by a single mother who paid for me to go through catholic school from 1st grade to 8th grade. It was a small school. My 8th grade class had 16 kids, 8 girls and 8 boys that all graduated together. I pretty much got straight A’s and school was very natural to me. When it came time for high school, my mother could no longer afford the catholic school so I went to a public school that required an entrance exam. I passed and that is where I went. It was a culture shock for me because my freshman class had 216 kids ! I remember my senior year like it was yesterday. How I loved to learn and still do. I went to a great high school academically but it certainly did not help me prepare for what would happen after high school even though it was college prep.

I have always had a desire to learn. I think that my desire to learn was actually a handicap for me because I wanted to learn it all and could not decide what I wanted to do with my life. My guidance counselor did not do anything to help me either. The only help I got was that stupid fill in the circles paper that asked you a bunch of questions and then said…you might want to look into…doctor, lawyer, cop, ect. That based strictly on what you answered. I didn’t have any personal meetings with counselors to talk about my future. And if it was up to me, I would do it all ! I needed someone to sit with me and talk about all of my interests and explain the degrees and where they could get me and what was required for degrees. I also wish that they had walked me through more financial aid options. But that was the past and well, you can’t go back.

So I graduated high school and worked full time. The following January I went to Katherine Gibbs for Executive Assistant for 6 months and started working. I got married, I had two children and then I got divorced. Then I went back to school. I had the desire to learn at that point in my life. I wanted to be back in school. I wish that I had the desire to go after high school but I don’t regret the decision not to go. I wasn’t ready. I wouldn’t have applied myself the way that I do now because I didn’t want it then.

I wish that I was going through the whole college application and college visiting with my daughter, Larissa. I wish that she had the desire to go to college. I wish that she had the desire for anything. She is determined to graduate high school and I am so thankful that she finally got on board with that. Her high school years have been a nightmare academically. She simply doesn’t finish work, hand in work or care about work. Her attitude sucks and it kills me to see this attitude from my daughter when I raised her better than that through teaching and experience. She needs to want it and she simply does not.

She is an artsy person. She had done theatre, she can paint like nobody’s business, she likes ceramics and broadcasting. She is all about the arts. Even with the drive for the Arts, she is not motivated to plan for her future. I am constantly asking her what she plans on doing and she doesn’t know. I ask her what she would like to do and she doesn’t know. The more I push, the harder it gets and the less information I get. She is a good kid. She doesn’t hang with the wrong crowd. She has a great heart for people. She just seems lost. I have been trying to guide her because my mother was not there for me in this way. I don’t want to tell her what to do, I just simply want to help her understand that you have to have a dream, a goal and then show her ways to get to her goal. But I can’t even get there. I can always keep praying that she has a change of heart along the way!

Happy Birthday Larissa

My baby girl turned 17 today. 17! Oh my, where has the time gone. Life has a way of just sneaking by and you stop and look back and it's all just a blurr.

Each year, for as long as I can remember, I wake up my birthday child with a candle in something to sing Happy Birthday and I usually get a picture. I have used to pretty creative things too. I have used cupcakes, oreo cookies, Ring Dings, pancakes, toast and a list of other things. This year was no different. Here is the picture of Larissa's birthday awakening.



It is not a great picture, as most are not but they are memories. Memories that I will cherish forever. Tradition that I have already heard Nathan and Larissa speak of to friends. A tradition that I will try to uphold as long as I can.

I wanted to get her something special and something that wouldn't end up in the garbage in future years. I have been a decluttering bug and the last I want is to bring more unnecessary things into the house. So, I had the perfect plan. Larissa's friend Cassandra lives in NY. Larissa and Cassandra met in NC. They went to high school together at Robinson. Cassandra moved back to NY with her mom and shortly after, we moved back to RI. I made plans with Cassandra's mom to have her come spend the weekend with Larissa...as a surprise. Then I tormented Larissa a little. I told her that her surprise started with the letter "C" and that it was something she had in NC and she was really sad when she didn't have it anymore. She had everyone trying to guess what it was. I tried to get her off any idea that it might be a person.

That was the easy part. Larissa, of course, wanted to make plans because it was her birthday. That put some stress on me to continue to keep her secret but not mess things up. I paid for Cassandra to come in on the train after discussing it with her mother. Today, it all went downhill...lol. The kiosk's were down at Penn Station so everyone missed their trains. If that wasn't bad enough, they realized once they got to Penn Station that Cassandra had left her ID at home. Poor Susan (Cassandra's mom), was trying to make it all work. I got a call at work at 1pm saying that she was going to drive Cassandra here. I couldn't allow her to waste all that time and gas because for her, it was going to be a round trip. I thought about meeting her half way and then it hit me...the bus. Larissa and I used to take the bus into NY all the time. So for $25 we got Cassandra on the 4pm bus to Providence. But it's NY and it was Friday so the bus didn't actually leave until 4:45. And with traffic, it actually did not arrive in Providence until almost 9:30. I am sure that Larissa was totally aggravated at this point about her surprise, wondering what on earth it might be. It was worth all the aggravation though because the moment when she opened her eyes and saw Cassandra was priceless. I could have made the commercial myself...lol.

$145 Round trip Train fair from NY to Providence and back

$25 One way trip from NY to Providence after the train was missed

Seeing my daughter scream and cry when she saw Cassandra....PRICELESS !

Larissa, I love you more than you will ever know. It has been an adventurous 17 years. You have been anything but boring...lol. We have definately had our ups and downs. There are times when I wonder if we will kill each other with our stubborn ways but at the end of it all, I couldn't ask for a better daughter. I love your bright personality and the incredible heart that you have. It has been amazing watching you grow from a tiny little baby, to an active toddler, to a bubbly young girl, to a creative teen and now into a beautiful and amazing young lady. I love you always!

RIP Sophia

Dreams are great. They give us something to strive for, something to work for. But sometimes we get lost in our dreams to the point that we forget to live for today. Life is short. There is so much we want to do and to accomplish. The things that we add to our bucket list to do someday. What if someday never comes. Morbid thought, I know, but true nonetheless.

Jose and I have dreams. We hope to our own home, a home that the kids can remember spending time in and growing up in. Nathan and Larissa remember Beetle St but CJ just remembers being everywhere. We hope to establish ourselves in jobs that we can have longevity in. We have things we would like for our house that we will have. We want to grow old gracefully and be comfortable. We want to be able to see our grandkids grow up. We want to be able to travel. Great dreams to have. Great dreams to strive for. Dreams to be fulfilled in the future.

Believe it or not, I had all that written yesterday and this morning I found out that a dear friend in Egypt had passed away this weekend. Sophia was my age. She had a daughter that is Larissa's age. The two girls actually are friends too. Sophia had moved to Egypt in 2005 to be with her husband. They tried living a life there but it was hard for them being Americans. She did all that she could. This past year, she felt the struggle of her daughter and brought her to the states so that she could graduate high school and lead as normal a life as she could. Her daughter, Marsella, is devestated to say the least. She feels horrible to have left her mother in Egypt alone. She is now alone. The news hit me like a ton of bricks.

Life is never what you expect it. Tomorrow is not promised. Kiss your loved ones, spend time with them and tell them that you love them because when you are no longer here in this world, those will be things that they remember.

RIP Sophia because you were an amazing wife, mother and friend !