Finding My Way Back...

I am having a hard time. I have been sent in several different directions and I am having a hard time finding my way back to me.

I have to find a way to get myself back. I can feel myself disappearing...not literally, although that would be nice too...lol. I just don't know what is going on. I feel like I am going through the motions but this is not my life.

I am usually so motivated and straight forward. I want something, I go after it and I get it. Things like that make me happy. Being creative makes me happy. Being with my family makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. But nothing has been doing that for me lately. I am aware of it. I know that I have to change. I know that I have to get a grip on my life and get it back. I know that only I can make me happy!

I have put the blame on the move for a while. The move that I promised myself I did knowing what I was getting into. I did and I do. But I miss NC. I miss is way more than I ever imagined that I would. Of course, it doesn't help that our house here is far from "home". Which brings me to excuse #2. Maybe once we find a home here that really is home that it will feel like "home" to me. But who am I really kidding. I know that home is where you make it. I know that in order for me to feel like I am home that I need to make it home. The bigger question is, can I do that?

I have been feeling bummed. I have been down. I need to pick myself up and start over again. No more excuses. Only steps forward.

Here I go !

I am NOT ok

I am NOT ok.

So much has happened in my life in the past five years. With each blow to my life, I deal with it the best way that I know how and simply tell everyone. “I am ok.”

I am NOT ok.

I am NOT ok with how my mother treated my kids.

I am NOT ok that I don’t have a relationship with my mother and she is gone out of my life.

I am NOT ok that my mother in law has cancer and there is always a chance of losing her too.

I am NOT ok that my daughter decides to “speak her mind” and tell me that the one man that has been there for her consistently for the past 10 years, she doesn’t like because he cares enough to discipline her.

I am NOT ok with Jose telling me that he was never happy in NC and we are most likely not going back. Who am I fooling. I know we aren’t.

I am NOT ok with my daughter and my son failing school. They just don’t understand how important it is.

I am NOT ok with my daughter lying to me, doing things behind my back and having a complete disregard for my rules and herself.

I am NOT ok with Jose not knowing how much more he can handle.

I am NOT ok.

Happy Birthday Pa

I have not been on here for a while. I seem to have gotten lost in everyday life. First it was one thing, then it was another and now it’s just me.

Today is my godfather’s birthday. Some years it hits me like a ton of bricks and others I am ok with it all. My godfather passed when I was 16. You would think that 22 years later, I would be ok but I am not this year. I am pretty sure that it’s everything rolled into this bundle of depression that I feel. I am usually a pretty optimistic person. It’s not even that I am not optimistic because I still am but things are really lingering on me right now. I miss my godfather more than words could express. I wonder what my life would be like if he was still here with me. I would love for my kids to have known him. I know that he is a better place and that he is free from all the pain and suffering that he endured his last months here on earth. My tears are out of pure selfishness. I wish he was here with me. I know he is happy dancing in heaven with my godmother. I know that I will see them both again someday.

Although my godfather passed when I was just 16, he lives in me each and every day. He and my godmother are the MOST influential people in my life. Their family values, their unconditional love, their marriage, their godchildren…it is all what I base my life on. I strive to be as wonderful as they were. Not that they didn’t have problems, everyone has problems but even how they dealt with their problems is to be commended. I am who I am because of them both.

Being back in RI has allowed me to visit the cemetery whenever I want, which has turned out to be a lot. I sneak over there as often as I can. For some reason, it feels like I am with them when I am there. That must sound weird to some of you. I have taken a beach towel and just sat there talking…loudly. I sometimes wonder if there are cameras and if people sit laughing at this crazy girl talking to herself. I cry, I laugh, I tell them about my life and how much I miss them.

Visiting the graves is bittersweet to me because the next grave over is my godmother’s sister and her husband who I grew up with as my aunt and uncle. It was my Uncle Jim that gave me away at my wedding to Larissa and Nathan’s father. They were always there for me and my mother and then one day my mother got into a fight with them and they stopped existing to us. As I got older, I tried to go there and continue the relationships we once had but they were so angry at my mother that I became an outcast too. I will never really know why they would not welcome me back but the pain will always be there.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was able to spend the morning and early afternoon with my best friend’s family celebrating Nori Rain’s 6th birthday. My little sis’ little girl. They are my family. Pretty much my only family left. Then I went to the cemetery to visit my godparents. It got me thinking about family and all that has happened with my mother this year. How it has affected my relationship with my brother and sister. How there are times when I really feel alone. Like my family in Portugal has forgotten all about me. And then I went home and my aunt called me. I picked up the phone in tears. She was just calling to check on me. It was just what I needed. My aunt made me feel better. Although that is just what I needed, I have not fully bounced back from the feeling. This feeling of emptiness. I feel like my world is a little right side up.

But today is not about me. It’s about the most amazing godfather, grandfather and father that I have had. He was all three to me. He is my shining star. You are in my thoughts today and always. I love you Pa. I hope that you are having an amazing celebration with the love of your life. You deserve infinite happiness.