2020 Predictions

Being Thankful...Day 28

I have so much to be thankful for. Blessed to already have had hot chocolate with my sisters and Richie. Stopped to visit my godparents. Now I am relaxing and watching the Thanksgiving Parade with a great cup of coffee as the boys sleep in their beds. I am so thankful for all the things I have BUT I am also thankful for all the things I don't have. For all the people who were only in my life for a reason or a season, thank you for impacting my life the way you did. We are not just made up of the good in our lives, we are made up of the bad, the hurt, the pain too. It is because of the struggles and hurdles that I have been through that I am who I am. I wouldn't change any of it. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Being Thankful...Day 27

I am thankful for the four days off ahead of me that are going to be filled with family and friends that I love more than anything. 

Being Thankful...Day 26

Today I am thankful to be back home. As much as I love traveling there is something very sweet about coming back home.

Being Thankful...Day 25

Mondays are hard, especially after being away and coming back really late but I am going to try to be thankful for Mondays. After all, I am all about new journeys.

Being Thankful...Day 24

Thankful for breakfast with The Massey's.

Being Thankful...Day 23

Today am thankful for friends and family who live in different states because it allows me to visit then and see new sights. 

Being Thankful...Day 22

I am thankful for travel...planes, trains and automobiles. On my way to Virginia which is my last trip this year...I think.

Being Thankful...Day 21

I know that I was already thankful for memories and I was already thankful for Milo but is my Being Thankful for Day 21.

Being Thankful...Day 20

My dark roads have led me to some beautiful destinations.

Being Thankful...Day 19

Being Thankful...Day 18

I am thankful for my Taurus side. These are spot on and the ones that are not are because of the balance from my Aires side. I am blessed to have such balance in my life.

And then there is my other side. It even amazes me how much I am both. Curios to hear what those that know me best think.

Milo

Being Thankful...Day 17

Being Thankful...Day 16

I had this long post in mind but I am simply thankful for my children. They are my everything.

I am thankful for Family Game Night.

Being Thankful...Day 15

I missed yesterday because I slept late and then my day got away from me. So yesterday I was truly thankful for sleep. Sometimes our bodies need a little more sleep and we have to listen to what they are telling us. I am completely guilty of going until I crash. Yesterday, sleep is what mattered and I listened. Have a happy Friday everyone.

Being Thankful...Day 13

Today I am thankful for me. I am thankful for my journey of self discovery. It just so happens that a friend also posted this same saying today and although I don't disagree with her post about being loved, I am taking it somewhere else. My close friends know that I was happy before but see me in this new way of being happy...a glow if you will. This absolutely comes from being loved and treated properly but not by anyone else...by me. I have always felt loved. I have done a great job at keeping out people who don't treat me right. But I have not always believed in me. I have learned to treat myself right and love myself unconditionally. I have learned that I am worth it and that I have to make the time to put me first. In doing this I have learned more about myself and discovered things I didn't know. I am glowing because I am happy with me and I love me. This is my journey.

Being Thankful...Day 12

I am thankful for memories. Specifically those on Facebook. The thing about memories is that they don't just remind you of a time but they make you feel...happy, sad, angry, etc. Not all my memories that come up are good memories, some of them hurt a lot right now but they are MY memories. They are a part of my past that have molded me into who I am. I am proud of that and the journey I am on. I am blessed to have so many memories and I look forward to making many many new ones. Now go make some memories of your own.

Being Thankful...Day 11

I am thankful for technology. Those of you that know me well know that I am not big into technology. I would take a book over a Kindle any day. I love my planner that I can flip through and write in over my calendar on my phone. I would much rather play cards or board games or go for a walk than play a video game or watch TV. But technology has its place in my world too. My Kindle allows me to travel with endless books at my fingertips. The calendar on my phone allows me to check my crazy life when I am on the go without my planner. And THIS. There are days that Facebook drives me crazy and I just want to be done but I love that I can reach out to everyone at the same time. I love that I can post pictures and it can reach to family and friends everywhere at a moment's notice. Being able to stay connected so well to people so far away through technology is a blessing.

Being Thankful...Day 10

Being Thankful..Day 9

I am thankful for music. Music has the capability to move you.. to change your mood...to remind you of a moment in time. Got woken up this morning by my wonderful daughter. I was still asleep because I am battling this cold I seem to deny having. I stumbled to make my coffee and put on some music and started cleaning. Do you listen to music when you clean? Something about it makes me want to keep going, it makes me happy. My plan is to spend time resting today. The music will slow down, the candles will be lit and I will enjoy a quiet Saturday evening. Hope everyone has a great Saturday.

Being Thankful...Day 8

I am thankful for my friends. I am blessed to have so many different groups of friends. I often read memes that talk about it not being the quantity of friends but the quality of friends you surround yourself with. I am thankful that I have a large quantity of great quality friends. They say that it is through your hardest times that you see who your true friends are and I am truly blessed and thankful for the people that I call friends.

Being Thankful...Day 7

I am thankful for the roof over my head..my apartment..my HOME. In a short time it has became home, it embodies me. I am happy to come home after a long day of work, I am happy to stand in the kitchen and cook for my family, I am happy to help CJ with homework at the table, I am happy to snuggle up with a book on the couch...it makes me happy. I have so much to be thankful for. There is so much that I have that I know not everyone has. We take for granted that we have a place to stay, a place to live, a place to feel safe, a place to be warm. Be thankful today for that place regardless of all the things you may not like about it because there are many who don't even have that especially as the cold weather starts to creep up. I am thankful for my home.

Being Thankful...Day 6

I am thankful for Milo. We have had him since we he was 8 weeks old. He has lived a very long adventurous life so far. He doesn't go out anymore, he snuggles with us now. He can only see shadows, he can't hear and his arthritis is a constant reminder of just how old he is. He can't even reach to groom very far at all. But he is our Milo and we love him more than ever.

Being Thankful...Day 5

I am thankful for education and the choices we have. Sunday we went to the open house at Lincoln High School and tonight we are going to the Davies Open House. Not all children learn the same way and having an opportunity for different options makes me a very proud parent. I am not just looking at this from a parent standpoint but as a student too. Not just high schools but colleges, tech schools, continuing education and just courses offered in various locations or online. And sometimes it's as simple as on the job training. We have access to so much around us, so much to make us grow, so much to help us learn and better ourselves. Maybe it's time to take a course or two in 2020.

Being Thankful...Day 4

As I wake up this morning and roll out of bed I am thankful for my job. Although I am dragging my ass because it's Monday morning, I do not dread going to work. It is because of my job that I am able to have everything that I have and do all that I do. More importantly I am thankful for my boss (and his family). He allows me to keep learning and trying new things so I am never ever bored and my days fly by. They have shown me how far the words "work family" extend. Their hospitality and support during one of the most difficult times in my life will never be forgotten. I know that I have their support both inside and outside of work. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 

Also thankful for my last minute unexpected dinner date with my gorgeous niece. Spending time with her makes my heart full.

Being Thankful...Day 3

Today I am thankful for my health. I have been taking care of myself and as a result I have more energy. I love having the energy to spend time with family and friends. I love having the energy to do more things that I love. I am looking forward to everything that life has in store for me. I will continue to take care of me so that I can live my best life.

Being Thankful...Day 2

Today I am thankful for coffee. I cannot start my day without coffee, at least not successfully. I sit here curled up with my coffee and think about what yesterday was and what I want to change today. The sound of silence before my boys wake up is so peaceful, it's my time. Sounds pretty simple and might seem silly to some but coffee keeps me sane and happy. I am also fully aware that it is an addiction. However, I promise you that if I didn't have coffee every morning I would need nicotine or drugs or alcohol to get through my days so I pick my battles. So yes, today I am thankful for coffee and the many cups that I will consume today. I wish everyone a happy Saturday.

Being Thankful...Day 1

Happy November. I am going jump right on the bandwagon with being thankful every day for something. Although I believe this should be done all year round, and I do try to practice that, I think it's a great positive thing to participate in. So here it goes. I don't usually post much about religion but my faith is stronger than anyone I know. I am thankful for God. Everyone has read the Footprints poem at one point or another. Without me being carried by Him this year I would simply not still be standing, let alone walking. I am thankful that through the hardest parts of my life my faith never waivers. And I know that He has great things in store for me.

Happy Birthday Larissa

The Woman of 19 Anthony Ave

Happy Birthday Dalissa

Lourenco

TIME

Time is a funny thing. It goes fast, it goes slow, it stands still at times. But it is always moving at the same speed. It is us that feels time differently.

So more time has passed. I have now been in the new apartment for 20 days now. It is feeling more and more like home each day. The boys are settling in really well and dare I say it...they seem happy.

This past weekend was my first long 5 day stretch of not having CJ Friday through Tuesday. It was ok. I say ok but I think that it is actually better than ok. I kept myself busy and found some joy in being surrounded by people again. The overwhelming feeling of being supported, missed by some that I had isolated myself from like my old kickball team and just included again was great. The days went by so much faster than I thought they would. Like I said, I was busy. As people want to get together with me I automatically look at the time that I don't have CJ. That time has been filling up fast. Mondays and Tuesdays I work all day and so far I have had something with someone each and every time. The weekends are jammed pack full too. Right now it's keeping me sane and grounded. I am enjoying my new time to do what I want. ME. It's all about me now.

This is all new. Old but new. I have gone through this before but not like this. The surprise of this situation. My heart being ripped out of my chest. The speed in which this all happened. It's all so much.It's all so different.

Moving...I needed to rip off the band-aid. I didn't want to be stuck. I didn't want to be stupid. I needed to land on own two feet. The feeling of being stuck in that house with someone who does not want me is brutal. Seeing my husband every day but not being able to reach for him, hug him or kiss him was driving me mad. The memories in that house consumed me. Leaving the house was freedom. I can't tell you how many people are upset and confused that I chose to move. I know they don't understand but this is about me. It is about me healing. It is about me picking up the pieces of my life. This is about moving forward and not backwards.

Me..as everyone does when they go through a breakup, I am trying to figure out who I am. I never lost myself but I evolved. And now I have to look at how I have evolved and if there is anything that I want to change about that. I had already been on a path of losing weight and getting healthier. I called Christina and she is helping me get further along on that path. This is not about a revenge bod. Trust me, I am way too old for that crap. I was already down 18 pounds when this all happened. I just know that I need help with the physical side of getting in shape. And I need a push too. Aside from health and weight I don't really have any changes that come to mind.

Reinventing my travel plans...like I said, I never lost myself so many of my future plans are still my future plans. I just don't have my husband to do them with. I learning how to wrap my head around doing it alone, doing it with friends or family. It different to travel with others. Traveling with him was natural. It was uncomplicated. It was fun and exciting. Now I need to learn to reinvent my idea of traveling the 50 states.

Tiny house...this is the one thing that I will change. Everyone who know me, knows that I have always wanted to live in a tiny house. I had given up that idea with Jose. The compromise was the smallest house we could get that would fit everything we wanted to have fun, entertain and be happy. But even at that I could tell that we were not on the same page. So honestly, as long as I didn't have a big house to clean I was good. This was one of the main reasons we never bought a house. We just couldn't agree on what to buy. So here I am alone. Doing this alone. And I need to sit down and figure out what I really want and make it happen. The apartment I am in is wonderful...for now. I want what is mine though. I want something small. I want running water and sewer but I want tiny. I don't want portable or I will just get an RV, which is also a thought in my mind. It is another idea that I would never have thrown around with Jose but it's me now and I am make the choices that work for me. So it's time for me to figure out what I want.

Letting the past go...this is by far the hardest thing that I will have to overcome. 18 years of memories. But the worst part is that it's good memories. Isn't it sad that I call that the worst part. I say that it's the worst part because when people escape from bad memories they have a sense of relief. I didn't escape. I was pushed out. I was happy with my husband until the moment he told me he was done. Did we have problems? Of course we did ! What marriage doesn't have problems? But they were normal marriage problems that you work through. Marriage. The word means something to me. I am throwing it away now for the second time and I feel like somewhat of a fraud saying it but marriage is not to be taken lightly. To me...marriage means you commit to work through your problems together. Marriage means you keep on fighting. Marriage means you take every step necessary to get you back to where you need to be. After 13 years of being together we got married and apparently I did not know that we did not look at marriage the same way. He took everything away from me that allowed me to fight for our marriage. Done. Gone. Just one big wall. A choice he chose to make without me. He took our marriage from me. But the problem is that it's still here. It's still inside of me. I still love my husband even though he isn't in love with me. Letting go of my feelings for him is one of the hardest things and I have no idea how to even begin.

One last thought.

Settling In

The move went well. My villiage...my tribe came through. The girls started helping me clean at 7:30am and then helped me move all boxes and bags in their cars. Jose helped too even though I know it was extremely uncomfortable for him. The girls left and Jose and I got the moving truck and went to go get the sofa bed and dresser. Jose, Jared, Nathan and I moved all the furniture into the moving truck. And then Jared had plans with his girlfriend but Jose, Nathan and I finished the night. I know this is going to sound weird but I am so thankful to all of the help that Jose gave me. The emotions in me are just all over the place.

I had the kids this weekend. By kids of course I mean CJ, Nathan and Jared...lol. Jared has become a permanent fixture. Last weekend was Jose's weekend and Nathan and Jared decided to stay there with Jose until Monday. I got a lot done with all the boys gone. This weekend was more fine tuning. I am working on making our apartment a home. Nathan and Jared will do what they need in Nathan's room. I just need to get a few more under bed boxes for them to store stuff under the bed. CJ's room is almost done. I finally put his dresser together this weekend. I just have a few more things that I need for his room to be done. The living looks great. The only thing that I really need to do in there is put up stuff on the walls and paint...not necessarily in that order. The kitchen needs some decorating and the bathroom needs curtains. The dining room is a work in progress. I keep moving things around and I don't know what it will end up looking like once I am done. My bedroom is another work in progress. The sofa bed I bought is a big disaster. I couldn't sleep at all on the mattress it came with. I thought the additional futon mattress was going to help. It did for a week but this weekend it started to sink into the same spots as the mattress below it. So I have ordered a platform bedframe that is coming in on Friday.

Let's start with me... I don't usually start with me. I am usually the last one but I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. Since it's all me now, it's extra important. I am doing OK. I put OK in caps because I moving through life in the motions that I have to in order to get through life. The loneliness has not set in. I think that I have just been so busy getting everything in order and keeping everyone on track that I have not had time to feel lonely. I am numb. I don't want to feel. Sometimes I feel as though I have moved the family to a new house and I am just waiting for Jose to arrive. I still feel like this is one big nightmare. I don't feel as though this is real. I don't want this to be real.

CJ seems to be handling things well. I think it's too soon for me to say something like that but it's where we are at right now. Last weekend he saw both of us all weekend so I don't think any of it has really effected him. He was with me Wednesday through Sunday. Everything seems normal. He had an issue with his computer and Jose came over to help fix it on Sunday. Today and tomorrow he is with Jose and then back to me for Wednesday and Thursday and then he starts his string of days with Jose. He will be there Friday-Tuesday. I keep saying that at some point he is going to feel different but I am not so sure. I mean Jose and I are darn good parents. We want the same thing for CJ. I would like to think that we will do everything in our power to make sure that he continues to get love and attention from both of us. But I know that divorce can be a really ugly thing. People change. I hope that is not the case but I am aware and prepared.

Nathan was really effected when it happened but I think that he has settled into our new current situation. He seems to realize that he can keep his relationship with Jose. That was one of his biggest concerns after my heart being broken. Seeing my son curled up in a ball on my lap was one of the saddest moments with him. His heart was breaking for me.

Larissa is in protection mode. What do you need mom? How can I help mom? I can take care of you mom. It's a proud mom moment for me to see my kids rally for me. I wish it wasn't under these circumstances though.

Mason hasn't even realized anything yet. I think that he just thinks that we all moved. That is all he really needs to think right now.

So as I settle into my new norm, I have to stop and be thankful. We all have our health. I have a reliable car that gets to my great job that allows me to keep a roof over my head. My boss has been helpful in any way that he can and his wife is the most amazing person ever. The love and support that I have received from everyone is just overwhelming. I am truly blessed.

Chapter 45...page 35

So much time has passed and so much has happened.

April 16, 2019 was the beginning of the end of Chapter 44 in so many ways.

It was the first day after tax season ended. I left work at 5:00 and headed home excited about the new length in my nights now that I wasn't working late. Jose was asleep and I had a my therapy appointment. The night carried on pretty normal and then I went up to bed at around 9pm because although tax season was over, my body was still feeling the effects. A few minutes later I heard Jose's footsteps coming up the stairs. He sat down on the bed next to me and wanted to talk.

Let me preface this by saying that yes we had our issues as a married couple. We had not been spending much time together. When I was home I was exhausted. He had been trying to carry the load at home while I worked long hours. I am sure that I resented him for not being able to do what I do the same way and get things done. But none of these things were things that can't be worked on.

So the talk started with "I have been struggling with us lately"  and ended with "I am done. I am tired of trying. We always end up back in the same place and I don't want to do it again." And there was nothing in between the beginning and the end.

After I sat myself up and processed through my head that my husband had just told me that he was done with our marriage, I wanted answers. To my surprise not many answers followed. A blank face seemed to be staring at me, not the husband I had known for 18 years. He was done. He was ready to go spend the night at his mom's. He was ready to tell CJ. He was ready to walk away from something that I didn't even know he was struggling with.

Fast forward a little and this is what I have found out:

He is unhappy and has been unhappy for quite some time. After more digging discovered it was somewhere around two years ago that he started feeling this way. But he never shared the feelings with me. So he kept his feelings to himself and tried to deal with it on his own. He hoped he get through his feelings and never have to tell me that he had been struggling with us. As far as I am concerned, he gave up on our marriage as soon as he decided to deal with it on his own. A person cannot fix a marriage alone...it takes two. So his decision to deal with everything on his own lead to him resenting me. The resentment got out of control and then he went numb. Being numb allowed him to carry on in every day life like nothing was wrong until...he couldn't anymore. Apparently tax season got the worst of him and he couldn't wait for me to come home the day after to let me know.

The rug was pulled out from under me. I have always been the first one to say that you had to have seen something, felt something or noticed something. I didn't. He hid it well. He pretended well. He made me believe that we would spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about the next step of buying a house, we talked about retirement and vacations all within tax season and it never occurred to him to stop me in my tracks and tell me that he was clearly not planning the same thing. So my life as I knew it came to an unexpected hault on April 16, 2019.

Since then we have had to tell everyone in our lives. I have found a new place. I get my keys today and move in tomorrow. We have been living under the same roof since April 16th and it has taken every ounce of energy left in me to keep going. I have had to pack up my life (or at least my half of it) and go through all of our stuff. The memories have taken over my mind and the mental exhaustion has just beat me down. I have endured pain that I didn't ever think I would have to endure and I don't know how I am still standing.

I have a village. My village has held me up and kept me going. Everyone has read the Footprints in the Sand poem...that is me. I know that God has been carrying me through this difficult time because there is no way in hell I am doing it. He has made sure that I have a village here to take care of me. He is the reason I am still standing.

My Birthday 2019