So more time has passed. I have now been in the new apartment for 20 days now. It is feeling more and more like home each day. The boys are settling in really well and dare I say it...they seem happy.
This past weekend was my first long 5 day stretch of not having CJ Friday through Tuesday. It was ok. I say ok but I think that it is actually better than ok. I kept myself busy and found some joy in being surrounded by people again. The overwhelming feeling of being supported, missed by some that I had isolated myself from like my old kickball team and just included again was great. The days went by so much faster than I thought they would. Like I said, I was busy. As people want to get together with me I automatically look at the time that I don't have CJ. That time has been filling up fast. Mondays and Tuesdays I work all day and so far I have had something with someone each and every time. The weekends are jammed pack full too. Right now it's keeping me sane and grounded. I am enjoying my new time to do what I want. ME. It's all about me now.
This is all new. Old but new. I have gone through this before but not like this. The surprise of this situation. My heart being ripped out of my chest. The speed in which this all happened. It's all so much.It's all so different.
Moving...I needed to rip off the band-aid. I didn't want to be stuck. I didn't want to be stupid. I needed to land on own two feet. The feeling of being stuck in that house with someone who does not want me is brutal. Seeing my husband every day but not being able to reach for him, hug him or kiss him was driving me mad. The memories in that house consumed me. Leaving the house was freedom. I can't tell you how many people are upset and confused that I chose to move. I know they don't understand but this is about me. It is about me healing. It is about me picking up the pieces of my life. This is about moving forward and not backwards.
Me..as everyone does when they go through a breakup, I am trying to figure out who I am. I never lost myself but I evolved. And now I have to look at how I have evolved and if there is anything that I want to change about that. I had already been on a path of losing weight and getting healthier. I called Christina and she is helping me get further along on that path. This is not about a revenge bod. Trust me, I am way too old for that crap. I was already down 18 pounds when this all happened. I just know that I need help with the physical side of getting in shape. And I need a push too. Aside from health and weight I don't really have any changes that come to mind.
Reinventing my travel plans...like I said, I never lost myself so many of my future plans are still my future plans. I just don't have my husband to do them with. I learning how to wrap my head around doing it alone, doing it with friends or family. It different to travel with others. Traveling with him was natural. It was uncomplicated. It was fun and exciting. Now I need to learn to reinvent my idea of traveling the 50 states.
Tiny house...this is the one thing that I will change. Everyone who know me, knows that I have always wanted to live in a tiny house. I had given up that idea with Jose. The compromise was the smallest house we could get that would fit everything we wanted to have fun, entertain and be happy. But even at that I could tell that we were not on the same page. So honestly, as long as I didn't have a big house to clean I was good. This was one of the main reasons we never bought a house. We just couldn't agree on what to buy. So here I am alone. Doing this alone. And I need to sit down and figure out what I really want and make it happen. The apartment I am in is wonderful...for now. I want what is mine though. I want something small. I want running water and sewer but I want tiny. I don't want portable or I will just get an RV, which is also a thought in my mind. It is another idea that I would never have thrown around with Jose but it's me now and I am make the choices that work for me. So it's time for me to figure out what I want.
Letting the past go...this is by far the hardest thing that I will have to overcome. 18 years of memories. But the worst part is that it's good memories. Isn't it sad that I call that the worst part. I say that it's the worst part because when people escape from bad memories they have a sense of relief. I didn't escape. I was pushed out. I was happy with my husband until the moment he told me he was done. Did we have problems? Of course we did ! What marriage doesn't have problems? But they were normal marriage problems that you work through. Marriage. The word means something to me. I am throwing it away now for the second time and I feel like somewhat of a fraud saying it but marriage is not to be taken lightly. To me...marriage means you commit to work through your problems together. Marriage means you keep on fighting. Marriage means you take every step necessary to get you back to where you need to be. After 13 years of being together we got married and apparently I did not know that we did not look at marriage the same way. He took everything away from me that allowed me to fight for our marriage. Done. Gone. Just one big wall. A choice he chose to make without me. He took our marriage from me. But the problem is that it's still here. It's still inside of me. I still love my husband even though he isn't in love with me. Letting go of my feelings for him is one of the hardest things and I have no idea how to even begin.
One last thought.
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