Hurricane Irene, Diana's Bachelorette Party and Thoughts

So the worst of Hurricane Irene has passed, actually it hit us as Tropical Storm Irene. We were very lucky. According to the news, we still have another 6-8 hours of winds to finish up the tale end of the storm but the worst has passed. We managed to make it this far without losing power so I hope that we can end it with power as well. We have some large branches down in the back and we think a few more will end up going down before this is over. Sadly, the first day of school has been moved to Tuesday for Nathan and CJ and Larissa will be going Tuesday as planned...she is not happy about it though...lol.

Yesterday was Diana's Bachelorette Party and it was so nice to be with the girls once again like that. It was a celebration for Diana but we had such a great time talking about anything and everything. Laughing, eating and drinking were all part of the day. The day the ended with us going over our Bucket Lists and leaving me thinking about our accomplishments this year so far and what we still want to accomplish. Some candid talk was also part of our day. If you can't count on your closest friends to tell you like it is then I don't know who you can count on.

So after the great day of looking back and then being stuck home all day due to Hurricane Irene, it has left me with nothing to do but think. September is just around the corner and only four months left to the year. There are some things that I am still looking to accomplish this year...with a job being at the top of that list. But it has left me thinking much further down the road. The biggest question has always been...what do I want to be when I grow up? Since I don't have a job lined up yet and the kids will be returning to school on Tuesday, I have decided to go to CCRI on Tuesday and talk to someone about my goals and how to make them happen. I know that I won't be able to go back to school until January the earliest because it's already too late for this semester and I don't have the money since I am not working but I need to find out what will be ahead when I am ready.. I just want to look over what I have and what I need to get to...well, to get where I want to go. So that leaves me thinking about where I want to go with my life. It's time to talk to someone who understands education more than I do and have a conversation about being a big girl...lol. I think that it's only fair for me to have a plan since I am expecting the same of my daughter who is a senior. So that is what it weighing heavy on my mind at this time.

My Balance

This weekend I had a melt down. A meltdown over something so small that I don't even remember what it was. I lie, I do remember but I am too embarrassed to admit it. You see, the ice-cream truck comes every single day at noon and again at 4:30 and parks right in front of my house for about 5 minutes. I don't mind getting ice-cream for the kids but I am not working and spending the money they charge on ice-cream each day so that this ice-cream truck driver can put his kids through school is not my idea of how we are going to get through this tough time. So I said no and CJ had a tantrum which seemed to go on forever because the damn truck wouldn't go away with the musical song it plays through it's duration. That was it. And it went downhill from there.

At the end of my melt down because I obviously thought I had not effected my family enough, I did the one thing that I had never done before...I turned my anger at Jose. Being the most amazing man in the world, he let me finish my own tantrum and then calmly talked to me. He understands how it wasn't about the ice-cream truck at all but about everything. The move after move, the unpacking, the being home with the kids all summer, the endless appointments to get them ready for school, my weight and most importantly...my unemployment situation.

We all have a balance in our lives that keep us sane. Everyone's balance is different depending on your life. My balance has always been about home and work. I have said it a million times over and I will say it again...I give the stay at home moms the biggest credit in the world. I have always worked though. I have always been independent and I have a desire to become something in addition to my wonderful role of trying to be the best mother possible, which I was far from this weekend. My job has always grounded me by bringing in the balance. Being away all day, working hard and discovering who I am and what I want to be, only made me a better person and allowed me to walk through my doors with a clear head and open arms. I don't have that sanity right now. The past couple of months have just gotten worst as the time goes on. My search for a job continues but I have had no offers and it has added a great amount of stress on my part.

Not having a job throws off my balance. Much like not having my children throws off my balance or Jose being away throws off my balance. Those are norms in my life and when something is shifted, the tower is likely to fall. I fell this weekend.

Jose reassured me that just like everything else, we will get through this too. We have been through a lot in the past couple of years. It doesn't help that I was also sick this weekend and that just added to my feeling like crap...lol. I am better today and trying to stay focused on the things that need to be done before school starts next week. I have middle school open house today, Kindergarten open house and orientation tomorrow and Nathan's dr's appointment on Wednesday. Wednesday is also Jose's birthday and I had wanted to throw a big surprise party for him for his 30th but with me not working, that just can't happen which really disappoints me.

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason so I am going to remember that and realize that there is a reason that I have not found a job yet. I need to really try to enjoy this last week of summer vacation with my kids because it is coming to a close very quickly. Thank you all for enduring my endless rant about the my off balance life.

Returning to Work

I am ready to return to work. Actually I have been ready to return to work for a while now...lol. I give so much credit to stay at home mom's but it's just not for me. I love getting up early, dressing up, having adult interaction and being able to return home clear headed and ready to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed being home. I have enjoyed sleeping later and playing with the kids but I have missed...me. I feel like I am losing myself. That must sound so selfish. I know that for a lot of moms out there, this is who they are and that is great. But this is not who I am. I mean, I am a mom and I think that I am a pretty good mom but I am a better mom when I am not stressed and I am enjoying time with my children. I think that I am spending too much time trying to defend my feelings. Truthfully, they are what they are.

So I have been actively looking once again and of course, we all know the economy has not fully bounced back yet so it isn't easy. I know that something will come along. I know that any company would be lucky to have me and I know that I can I sell myself...that sounds bad but you know what I mean. I have to make myself marketable. I have another interview on Friday with another agency and I keep applying for anything out there that I am qualified for. Something is bound to fall into my lap sooner or later. I am trying to stay focused because I know that if it's meant to be that it will happen. Until then, I am happy spending my free time with my three crazy children who seem to be growing up way too quickly.