My Mood

I almost wasn't going to write today. I don't feel my chipper self today. I have a ginormous headache and have been really moody and the day is only half over !

Today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is April 1st ! For obvious reasons, my favorite month is April. But now I have another reason to love April. It will the month that we move into our new beautiful home. I fear the days are going to drag now in April since we are anticipating it. There is so much packing to still do and cleaning galore as we move things around. My house currently looks like a tornado as I go through and see what is going to be packed, what is going to be trashed and what we could give away. All this is just preperation for what we need to do though...get all of our belongings from this house to the new house.

I have become somewhat dis-satisfied with my current schedule. I am away from home until 8 or 8:30pm on three of the five nights in a week and sometimes more. It just doesn't work for me. I love to be home with my family or out spending time with them. Zumba has taken up my Mondays and Thursdays and Nathan has his boyscouts on Tuesdays. I am considering trying out a Zumba video that I could do at home on my time, once the kids have gone to bed or early in the morning. I would so much rather be spending the time with them and that makes me happier. I still want to work out though because that is for me and I know that I must continue to take care of me. The progress has been wonderful and I can feel that I have more energy too as just another reward. I want to continue to lose weight too. I am sure that I will figure something out, I always do. Knowing what you want is half the battle.

So I guess that is pretty much my rant for the day. I just wanted to stay in the swing of writing. The new house is still pretty heavy on my mind. The waiting game is going to kill me because....well, I hate to wait. Other than that life is pretty amazing. God remains the center of my world and he has blessed me in so many ways. This is going to be repetitive from my facebook status from yesterday but I have so much to be thankful for. Jose is the most amazing person. I have three smart and beautiful children, we both have jobs, we are leaving one beautiful house for another beautiful house, we have our health and we enjoy spending time together. Really ! It just doesn't get better than that. The little things are just that. Sometimes we allow them to take over and crowd the bigger picture but I am not allowing that to get in my way of seeing the bigger picture...God loves me and life is a blessing ! In other words..."Don't worry, be happy!". Ok, so that was a bit corny but that is part of my mood today. That is why you all love me, isn't it?

On a side note, which is somewhat related, I am praying for everyone that we know and love in RI that this mess clears up soon. The flood damage has been astounding and unconceivable. Many are going through a difficult time right now but thankfully, we have not heard of anyone being harmed through it all. I hope that they can get some relief soon. You are all in my prayers.

Excitement

So we went back to the house yesterday...again. We signed the lease and put the deposit. I wish that we were moving right now. The more I see the house and the transformation that it is going through, the more that I love it. I have fallen completely in love with the house. Is that possible? LMAO !

I know that I said I wasn't going to buy anything until we moved so that I wouldn't have more stuff to move but I just can't help it. I am just so excited to move into the new house. Don't get me wrong, I am still only sticking to the big deals that I find. Jose and I bought a red microwave for our new kitchen. What?! We just couldn't resist. Actually, it was Jose's idea, if you can believe that. It was on sale so it was actually cheaper than the regular ones and it is going to look so incredible in my new kitchen. I also bought a ceramic three canister set for $6 ! How could I have passed that up ?

I am going to be searching for matching bedding for the boys now. I am really going to try to wait til we move but I make no promises. I want to be able to make their beds and set up their rooms as soon as we move so I have to be looking now...lol. I am looking for an incredible deal though and have not found it yet.

So...we get the keys on the 15th and then we officially move on the 24-25th of April. What a great belated birthday present for me !

Just a few things...

So I went to Family Dollar during lunch. I had no intention of buying anything, I just went to get out of this building for a while and clear my head while enjoying the beautiful day we have. I ended up buying the first three things for new kitchen. They had so much red but I couldn't pass up these things because they were on clearance and the only ones left. So for $6.80 I got a dish strainer, a paper towel holder and a cute clock. Can you believe the clock was only $1.80 ! I didn't buy more things because I realize that what I buy, I have to pack and that just seems insane but you can't pass up a bargain !

Something is going on with Nathan

This is Nathan. Nathan is somewhat shy but he is very loud and outgoing in comfortable and familiar souroundings. He loves anything to do with Art and loves animals. He has always loved school and has, for the most part, done very well in school. Despite the fact that he was diagnosed with ADHD when he a little over 3, he has not had any problems in school. According to the doctors, it is because he thrives with consistancy and routine. Also a reason that I have always had a problem with him at home. I have not been able to create that same consistancy and routine at home. It is never too late and I will never stop trying.

Well, I got an email from Nathan's English teacher yesterday letting me know that she is concerned about him. In her class and in his Math class, he has not been himself since December according to her. He is not turning in projects, not finishing classwork, not doing homework and not making anything up. As if that alone wasn't enough, she also added that he is not the same child that started there in Septemember, he is quiet and withdrawn where he had been the class clown and center of attention. Of course I scheduled a conference call with his teachers and actually got to speak to them the same day.

Basically the same thing was reworded to me that she had emailed me about him in English and in Math. What puzzled me was that in his Social Studies class and in his Science class he has been good. So I wanted to know if his behavior had changed in those classes as well. Quite the contrary though. Both his Social Studies teacher and his Science teacher confirmed that he is still himself, maybe just not as loud at time. He actually came home yesterday with a pink slip for acting up and being too loud..ironic huh? His Social Studies teacher did tell me that he is having a much harder time focusing on his work. He seems to start everything and finish nothing until she guides him back to where he needs to be. Some of the same info from his Science teacher.

So this got me thinking. I am clearly concerned because there is something going on with Nathan and I am not quite sure what it is. What could be the difference between his English and Math classes in comparison to his Social Studies and Science classes? Could there be a student or students picking on him? Could he be having so much more trouble in English and Math to the point that he is giving up? Could this be his ADHD catching up to him in classes that he can't handle? Could it be a lasting effect of the situation with my mother? Could it simply be the teachers? From knowing them personally throughout the year, I do know that his Social Studies and Science teachers are more nurturing and caring and are more likely to lead him by the hand, only emphasizing what his Social Studies teacher had told me herself about her redirecting him back. I decided to clear my head and talk to Nathan when I got home.

I asked Nathan to explain to me the differences in the classes as he sees them. It did come down to what I thought, at least part of it. He did mention that his Social Studies and Science teacher give consistant homework so he always understands what is expected of him. That they help him when he is confused. That they don't overwhelm him. His English and Math teachers are always giving him various things to do and he claims that he can't remember what and when things are due because it is so confusing. The classes are harder and the teachers don't like to explain when he doesn't understand. I tried to explain to him that he has been very lucky with teachers. Up until this year, he has had one main teacher and that teacher was always made aware of his ADHD and she would always make sure he was focused and redirected. With middle school, it's many teachers and with high school it will be the same. Not all teachers are going to go out of their way for you and some will expect you to fend for yourself. I told him that he doesn't have to like the teachers or the class but he does have to deal with it and pass the class. Not sure he liked me much after that statement but life must go on.

I guess I wasn't completely convinced that was the whole situation because I went on to ask him more questions. I asked him if he was being picked on in school and he began to cry and yelled "no". I told him that it was ok for him to tell me the truth and he just cried more and told me "nobody believes me". I am not sure who else has asked him this question or if he was just emotional but I did end up dropping the subject because it seemed to upset him a great deal.

No matter what is going on in this school, it will all change in four weeks when he switches schools which he is very excited about. This only raises more red flags since most kids are not excited to leave their friends and a school they are familiar with unless they are not happy or something is going on. So I still don't really know what is going on. I sat with him and did homework last night. He seemed to not know where to start or how to break things down. I fear that his ADHD really is overwhelming him. It would explain why he is doing good in Social Studies and Science. Those teachers are leading him by the hand and helping. I am not saying that all teachers should do this, I am actually thinking that I need to take extra steps to show Nathan how to try to focus on one thing at a time and get organized. I noticed he wasn't writing a lot of things down and this weekend we are going to buy a small homework notebook. He has an agenda but to my knowledge it is not always with him so that clearly isn't going to work.

I also know that the lasting effects of what happened with my mother will continue to be part of him. Just because she is gone doesn't mean that it's over. She has made him feel worthless and that doesn't just go away. It will take time to build him up again and make him realize that those words were not true. This will be a long road that we will need to travel with him. A road that we are more than willing to travel with him. He needs to know that he smart, creative, fun and a great well rounded kid. God will help me through this. :o)

The Fun Starts

So we all know that with moving comes a whole lot of stress. There is throwing things away, packing and of course, cleaning. But in the middle of all this caos, there is also a lot of fun. It's a new house, a new home. It can be anything we want it to be. So I have started my planning.

The room that I am the most excited about right now is the kitchen. The kitchen as we first saw it should have scared us right out the back door but it didn't. Seeing the potential in things is what I do best. Here is our kitchen before. To start with, the kitchen was a dark yellow and thanks to my wonderful new landlords, we will have a white kitchen. The cabinet doors were missing, and it was really dark as you can see in the picture below. The before picture is actually pretty horrible but it will make the after picture so much better. :o)



So with some hard work and determination, I am looking at the picture below for some inspiration to what will be my new favorite room in the house. It has a pretty similar layout as our kitchen and I am hoping not to copy it so much but to run with it so that my own personal creativity can come through. And it so happens to have my favorite color too.



I can't wait to start on this new project. Just as soon as I finish packing up our current house, move everything over and unpack again...lol. It is a good thing that I am an optomistic and outgoing person.

I think that this house is going to be a great new beginning for us as a family filled with many wonderful memories. After all, it is what you make it and we are making it HOME.

We took it !

I wanted to keep you all updated. We decided to take the house. We went by again on Sunday and saw how much work had been done to it already and we loved it even more. We are signing the lease Wednesday night. Here is a pic of the outside of the house. I can send you all more if you want them.

I also wanted to add that I didn't mean to offend anyone who currently lives in a community. I know that not all communities are like ours, we just happen to land in a stuffy one. We are making our choice based solely on our experience.

The Discovery

So Jose and I have been searching high and low for a house. Just Friday and Saturday alone were hours of looking, making appointments, seeing what's available, seeing what we like. We have to come to a sunning realization. What we thought we wanted is not at all what we wanted at all.

Don't get me wrong, we want to live in a nice house in a beautiful community like we do now but with that comes a price. The price is the feeling that we don't belong....because we don't. We are not people who want to keep up with the Jone's. We don't try to have a house bigger and better than the next person. We don't try to be something we are not. Then how come we have been doing it for almost two years?

This move, as I have said before, has meant so much to me on so many levels. It is a chance for us to save some real money and do things that we have not been able to do. It is a chance for me to leave the horrible memories of my mother behind and only carry with me the ones that I cherish. It is a chance for Jose and I to find what we want...just the two of us with the kids.

So what do we want? We want to be around real people. People who have problems and don't pretend to be prefect, only making us feel more imperfect. We want to be around people that come home after a hard days work and sit outside with a beer without worrying what their neighbor will think, and maybe even ask their neighbor to join. We want neighbors that want to get to together on the weekends for BBQ's instead of hiding in their perfect houses cleaning and only come out to mow the lawn. Well we haven't found this in a subdivision so we are going way out on a limb and trying something new. We are thinking of moving to the downtown city part of Concord. This means real streets where there is traffic, people walking the streets to get to places not just walking their dogs, city buses dropping off people and so that I am being completely honest with you since you are our friends....this also means that it is more dirty and there is more crime. Now in the city there is always more litter and because it is not being carefully manicured by the HOA committee, obviously there will be far from perfect situations. It's ok though because we don't like perfection...we have discovered it is extremely boring. And about the crime...we are not moving to NYC so it is not that bad. It is real people with real problems. It reminds us a little of where we can from but not. A little piece of home in NC. This must sound like the strangest and stupidest thing for some of you. We are not saying that subdivisions are bad. We are simply realizing that they might just not be for us.

Today we are looking, for the second time, at a house that we very much like...might even say love. It is everything this house is not and vice versa. It is small and charming and engulfed by multi-cultural people. It has arched doorways. It only has one bathroom...omg the horror ! It is a craftsman brick house. Many of the original elements are still in the home. The kitchen is the original farmhouse kitchen. It is everything that I never knew that I liked until we saw it and fell in love. There are hurdles with this house. It has smaller rooms because it is an older home. The closets are much smaller than we have here but I think that we have decided to use this move as an excuse to get rid of all the things that we don't use and haven't used since we moved here. We need to step outside our box and our comfort home in search of what we are looking for.

I think that this might the house we pick. Did I mention that we will be saving $310 a month on the rent alone and that is not including what we would be saving on the water because of our issue here and the heat and the electric because it is a smaller place. The possiblities are endless. I feel like a little kid waiting for the first day of school at the thought of moving back to a REAL neighborhood. A little piece of the ghetto here in NC...lol...but so far from it in so many ways. This is where we feel we belong but we worry a bit the others won't understand our decision. Who am I kidding? Jose is worried, you all know that I don't really give a crap. If you don't like where I live then don't come visit me...lol! As a little birdie suggested to me...if we don't like it then we move when our lease is up. The perks of renting. We can try it all until we find what we like.

I will keep you all updated as we make a decision. Don't know if one will be made today or not but it will have to be soon. We did our application yesterday and have already been approved. This house is ours if we want it. Do we want it? Will we take it?

I LOST...

my first 10 pounds ! I am so excited. It has taken me almost two months but I finally did it. Now I am tackling my next 10! I am so motivated.

We practically spent the night driving around looking at houses. We have yet to find the right house for us. There is one that we are waiting to see but the tenants are still in there so we will have to wait. They are supposed to be out by the end of the month. Not really sure why they have it listed yet but whatever. So our hunt will continue. I know that all we need is a little patience. We are also looking at an apt complex on Saturday...against Jose's wishes. He doesn't even want to consider it but it is so cheap and pretty decent size too and he wouldn't have to mow the grass either but he is really not feeling and we both have to agree. I know that with time will find something. We will probably have better luck after the first because that will be when everyone is moving out. So just keep us and our house hunting in your prayers.

I am going to put the job hunt temporarily on hold now so that I can have time to pack and try to find us a home. Then I will get back into seeing if I can find something better....unless of course I have a bad day here and then I will be back on searching...lol.

It's Official...

we are moving and we are downsizing. So here is our deal. We moved her in May 08 to this beautiful large southern style home. We have called it home for what will have been two years. Unfortunately, we moved into a pretty stuffy community and as a result, we still don't know any of our neighbors. Add to that,that my mother moved out and we have way too much space and you start to see where we are coming from. We pay more to heat/cool the house because it's bigger, we have more to clean because it's bigger...ok so "I" have more to clean..lol. So we made the decision not to renew our lease on May 1st.

We started looking and found a few options. We officially gave the reatly company our notice that we will not be renewing so the race is on. We now need to find a home and fast. And we need to pack the whole house. And we need to keep the house looking decent through all this because I am sure they are going to want to show the house. So the next couple of months are going to be a little crazy for us but the excitement is there. Moving someplace new means a new start for me on so many different levels. This will be our place for Jose and I and not with lingering with the memory of my mother.

Those of you who live here in NC will be hearing from me for help and those of you in RI will hearing from me to vent...lol. We are very excited !

The Start of a Brand New Week

So I know that some of you have been emailing me and calling me to ask about how things are going. Well, to be honest, today is a bad day. I have been trying to get my house back in order but I haven't had much luck. Or at least it doesn't feel like it anyways. I did move the playroom to the tv room like I wanted to do and that room is compeletely done, so it hasn't been a total waste of time...lol. I started on turning the old playroom into an office but haven't gone back to it. Jose and I put the two kids desks together but we haven't put the computers in there yet. Things just seem to be at a stand still.
CJ was home sick on Friday, he had strep. So since I was home with him, I took the opportunity to clean the fridge and clean the pantry. Little accomplishments give me such great joy...lol. Actually, I think that I have been burrying myself in the cleaning and organizing in hopes that my head will clear itself. In all this, the one room that I can't seem to tackle is my mother's room. I go in there, look around and the anger begins to build. The anger of how she left. The anger of the mess she left for me to clean. The anger of me allowing this to go on for so long. I know that time heals all wounds but I just never expected it to take so long. I feel like she is still effecting my life in a horrible way even though she is no longer here. Or am I just allowing her to have that hold on me. I am so confused and angry that although she is gone, this is not over yet. I think that in the long run this will be therapeutic for me to clean out her room. A sort of good-bye to the bad karma that she left behind. I might need to push myself to get there or maybe I just need to take my own time getting there.
I am really blessed to have so many wonderful people that care so much around me. I am sorry that I haven't been around much and been canceling on things. I really just need time to get through this. I guess I am not as ok as I would like to be but I know that I am on the right path. Poor Jose has had to endure my mood swings and cleaning sprees non-stop...lol. I have put him through so much already with this whole mess that I just want to actually start new with him, once and for all. So that we can be the family that we were meant to be.
So this is a new week and I am optomistic that it will be better than last and that the weeks will continue to get better. Thanks again for all of your support !

This Weekend

There was no fighting. I bent over backwards to help her. She chose to leave at 6am so that she didn't have to say goodbye to the kids or Jose. She did wake me up and I kissed her on the cheek, told her that I love her and have a safe trip. She looked at me and said "have a good day" and walked out the door. Wow, it was like she was just going to the store or something. She had no emotion at all. They left at 5:45am and returned at 6:45 because my mother forgot some important papers in a drawer. I asked them to keep me posted. John called me at 1pm to ask how to roll up her window when it gets stuck and I told him. Didn't think to ask where they were. I called them at 6pm since I still hadn't heard amything, they were in PA. I asked them to call me when they got into RI but nobody did. Larissa told me this morning that they arrived there at 11:30pm because she is good friends with my mother's best friend's grand-daughter. That is it. Still haven't heard from either one but they arrived safely there and now she is someone else's responsibility.

As for me....when she left in the morning and drove away, I broke down. I didn't expect it at all. I thought that I would feel relief for about a week and then it would hit me that she is gone. Intead I had a flood of emotions pour down onto my body. I was pissed, angry, upset, sad, happy, relieved, uplifted, amazed and scared. I felt like my body was being taken over and I cried for about 4 hours straight. Luckily the kids were sleeping and didn't know anything. Jose had no idea what to say or do. I told him that I just needed time and he gave me that. Although I feel better after talking to my best friend for hours and venting, I am still filled with all these emotions. I don't even feel like she deserves for me to feel this way. She doesn't deserve for me to shed any tears for her.

Her things. I had agreed to take all her boxes to storage after she was gone so that she could leave this weekend with John. It was our understanding that she would leave everything packed, Jose & I would pile it all in the garage until we could get them to storage. I was so pissed when I walked into her room and found that she left it all for me to pack. She simply packed up her Christmas stuff in one corner and packed the stuff she took with her. The rest is left for me to do. I can't beleive that all that time she had home alone, she didn't pack it at all. I can't believe that once again she is leaving yet another burden on me to do something. Even after the cold way that she left. If I was a different kind of person, I would put all her crap out on the curb on trash night and call it a day. But I can't do that because I have a heart. A heart that has been continuously walked over and stomped on by her repeatedly. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

I don't know who this woman is because this is NOT my mother.

I now start the healing process for me and just as importantly for Nathan. Of course the whole family will be feeling it too and has felt it...but Nathan and I have been the ones that have clearly been effected the most. I did everything that I could to make this not turn out this way. I have no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Thank you all for helping me through this.