This is the cold that never ends !

I am sooooooooooo sick. Not just sick but insanely sick. I have the mother of all colds. I have the stuffy nose, the runny nose, the sneezing, the coughing, the aching, the chills, the full on congestion. The kind of cold that you have to sleep with your mouth open because you can’t breathe through your nose and then you wake up with dry nose and dry mouth. This weekend was filled with medicine… Mucinex, Dayquil and Theraflu, Oh My !

Unfortunately, I am not sick alone. CJ is sick with me too. I so wanted to stay in bed this morning. But you see, I don’t have sick time yet at work so I would have to take it unpaid. And to add to that, I am pretty sure that if CJ and I keep going down this path, he will be sent home from the YMCA sometime this week and I will have to leave work to get him. So I am holding out for that time instead. Then we can both rest at home.

I am not sure what is going on. I mean I have been sick non stop since we moved back to RI. I was finally getting better to the point that I actually thought it was going away. And then BOOM ! It surprised me. I sometimes wonder if there is something in the house that is making me sick. And not just me but we have all been sick. We joke that we have been passing it back and forth between us but enough is enough. I did a full blown disinfecting clean before Thanksgiving because Jose’s mom was coming over and then I got sick right after. How is that possible? That is what led me to think that maybe it’s something in the house. I mean we can’t possibly just keep getting sick like this.

You know what this feels like:

This is the cold that never ends. It goes on and on my friend. Some people starting getting it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue getting it forever just because….this is the cold that never ends. It goes on and on my friend. LMAO.

The Holiday Season

Christmas is in 3 days. Christmas Eve in 2. My tree has been up since Thanksgiving weekend. Stockings are hung. Most of the presents are wrapped under the tree. But something is missing.

Maybe it’s the year that we have had. The two moves we had, one of which was up the coast back to RI. My mother-in-law’s battle with cancer. The kids struggle with school…everywhere. Being jobless for several months through the summer due to the move and feeling completely helpless. The continued pain of knowing that my mother is just fine with what happened with us. Along with a lot of little things, this was just a year that has definitely taken its toll on me.

Maybe it’s still the feeling of not having a home. For a while Jose and I didn’t even want to buy. The responsibility of everything that comes with it and the burden of feeling stuck really got us down. It wasn’t just us though, we watched many people around us go through the same situation. But being on flip side of it and never knowing what will happen at the end of our lease sucks. It’s an unsettling feeling. Not being able to paint and live comfortably as it is our own home sucks too. The last rental we had in NC was great, except for the area. The landlords were amazing and the house was awesome. It really did feel like home and if I could have picked it up and moved it, I would have been thrilled. But alas we don’t live in a magic land so we had to look for something else. We were tired of the thought of moving so we decided to buy. Still with a little fear of what we were buying we went with a rent to own home. That was short lived but the time that we were there really was amazing. That was home. The house, the neighborhood, the neighbors and everything that went with it. The ideas I had for that place to really make it spectacular. The decorating and upgrades planned. The plan for the shed and the deck. Coming back to RI was not what created this horrible feeling of loss for me. It was having to leave HOME. I hope and pray to find HOME here when our lease is up and then maybe I can get the spirit back.

Or maybe it’s just a sign of the times. People are selfish and grouchy. I hope that it’s not just a sign of the times because that would totally ruin Christmas for me. The commercialism has taken over and the spirit is just gone. I can’t believe what people will do to get the presents they want, the things that parents will do and pay for to get the kids all of the stuff they want. It is all about what “I” want for Christmas everywhere I turn. Everyone trying to outdo the next person. Trying to buy more than last year. Trying to spoil our kids to the point that they no longer even understand the value of a dollar. What has this world come to?

I have gone through the motions. Everything is done but the feeling is not there. It doesn’t feel like Christmas. It’s doesn’t feel joyous and happy. I am still hoping that the feeling kicks me in butt on Christmas Eve so that I can enjoy all that comes with it. But as of right now, it feels like something big is missing.

An Early Christmas Present

Nathan gave me the best Christmas present that I could ever get.

I got a call from his guidance counselor yesterday to let me know that he is all caught up. He has handed in all his assignments. He is doing great. He got a 100 on his last two math tests and a 99 on his Spanish test. He seems to have taken the step to get on track and work to his potential that I knew was in him.

I am so proud of him. Words can’t even explain my feeling. This is truly the best gift that I could get from him. I knew that he could do it.

Now I just need to find the Christmas Spirit. More about that tomorrow.

Family Pictures

I just wanted to share some of our family pictures that we took a couple of weeks ago.

Parenting

Being a parent is one of the hardest and selfless thing that I have ever had to do. I know that I take a lot of time to vent about how my children can really hit my last nerve…over and over again. Mainly it’s because this is where I vent so it’s easy to come here and speak my mind. But I sometimes forget to come here and talk about the good times. I mean we do have good times. You don’t all think that I spend each and every night yelling at my kids and punishing them, right?

Of course I am having a hard time with them this year in school and I hope to have taken the bull by the horns, so to speak ! They are good kids though. I have not had to deal with drugs, alcohol or pregnancy. Sure I wish they were more respectful in the house and didn’t fight with each other. Sure I wish they would clean more. But they are home each night. They do things when I ask them…I might have to ask them several times but they do it…eventually. They don’t ask for a lot. I feel like they ask for too much because I am their mother but in comparison to what I hear other kids asking for, they are a blessing. I wish they would take their education more seriously but maybe that will come with time. I can’t mold them into a robotic children.

They have good days and bad days. We have good times and bad times as a family. They still enjoy playing board games with mom. They still humor me when I want them to watch old holiday shows. They humor me with old traditions that I hold near and dear. I think that once they do grow up and are on their own, that they will be pretty good well rounded adults. I think that it might take them a little longer to move out and grow up and be on their own but that only means that I will get to enjoy them longer.

My Angel Turns 18 in Heaven

I want to wish my angel in heaven a happy 18th birthday today. I always imagine what you would be like. What your hair would look like. How close you and your siblings would be. What kind of relationship we would have.

I was so young when I got pregnant but losing you was the most devastating thing a 19 year could go through. The hope that I had that you would overcome all odds and make it was tremendous. My faith was and is very strong and that is what got me through that time. I know that God had something better for you and I try not to be jealous that he gets to see each day because I know that one day, I will get to see you each day too.

Being a parent is one of the hardest and selfless thing I have ever had to do. It brings me great joy to be a mother but with that joy also comes a fear. Fear that you get hurt. Fear that something will happen to you. Fear that you will leave. Fear that that I will lose you. It is obvious. With great love, there is great fear of losing that love.

I love you my dear Bianca. You will forever be my babygirl. You will forever be in my heart.

The Never-Ending Sickness

I just have to say that I have been sick since we moved back to RI. It started with a stomach bug and a headache and then into a small cold that just doesn’t go away. It gets worse and then it gets better and just when I think that it might be going away…BAM! It comes back strong. I am really tired of it already!

I haven’t decided if I want to believe that it’s the climate change that is doing this to me or if I have just had some really bad luck with this cold. I have to be thankful though that it hasn’t been too bad. I have been able to get up each and every morning and go about my business. There are days that are obviously worse than others but overall, they are bearable and that is all that I can ask for. Having started a new job in September, I was worried. I can’t really afford to take any time out with no sick time yet. Each day I manage to drag myself through the workday to go home and crash. It’s dinner, cleaning up quickly, homework and bed. Seriously, that has been it. I think that I have been in bed between 8-9pm each night since I started working. And some nights maybe even earlier. I feel like I have no energy for my family and that is not a feeling I want to have. I think that it might be time to get some much needed vitamins into my diet.