It has clearly been too long since I have written and the topic of the day is a heavy one...RELIGION !
For those of you who know me, you know that religion has been a struggle for me since I was old enough to make my own decisions. For those of you who are just starting to get to know me, this will definatly be one of those times when you learn a little bit more about me. :o)
I was born and raised into the Catholic religion. I made all of my sacraments, minus annointing of the oil obviously or I wouldn't be here writing this now. I never really ever felt like I belonged in a Catholic church. Nobody ever knew I was there and if I wasn't there, well it just didn't matter. Even though I attended only two churches from K-high school graduation, when I went to get married and have my children baptized, they did not recognize me, they had to pull my records. I guess I should add that I am not a soft spoken person (in case you didn't know that) and I don't keep to myself, I really do branchout or at least try. Church was something that I went to for an hour on Sunday and then left. I saw some of the same faces week after week but never knew their names. Fellowship was not something that REALLY happened there. The people who knew each other already would stand around after church and chat and the others would go on their merry way. The Sunday masses were the same. I could have conducted them myself. Same words, same motions, same rituals. Not a lesson on God in my opinion. The homily was supposed to go with the Gospel reading so that you could understand it better but many times I would leave wondering what one thing had to do with another. I also attended Catholic school from 1st grade through 8th grade. All this and I know less about the Bible than anyone else.
In realizing that maybe the Catholic religion wasn't for me, I decided to start trying to find where I did belong. I attended Baptist, Evenagelical, Protestant and Non-Denominational churches all in hopes of finding one that made me feel as though that is where I was meant to be. I even studying with Jehovah's Witnesses for a couple of years. Actually, that is where I learned most of what I know about the Bible. I also learned that many of the typical stereotypes of them are wrong. They are very amazing people and kind people with a great deal of faith in their religion. I went along that path until I found that I could not and would not follow them any longer. Like most religions, I get to a point where it no longer feels like The Truth. So I stopped following. I came to a point in my life that I just decided it was better to have the faith that I do and not belong to any "organized" religion.
Since I mentioned my faith, I feel that I need to expand on that. I believe in God. God is a huge part of my life. I have an incredible personal relationship with God. I speak to Him daily, several times a day. I ask for His guidance when I don't know where to go. I ask for His strength when I don't have any more. I ask for His forgiveness when I fail. And most importantly, I thank Him each and every day for all the wonderful and amazing people and things in my life that would not be possible without Him. I believe that your relationship with God is personal. I don't believe that it is black and white. I don't believe that a church has a right to tell you that God will forgive a murderer or a rapist and not a divorcee or someone who loses their way in their religion. Your relationship with God will determine your forgiveness. It is not a priest or a pastor or a reverand's decision to make if someone is forgiven or should be disfellowshipped or banned from a church or religion....that is Gods decision (that is my opinion) ! I understand that from the organized part of the religion, they want to have rules and consequences but the Bible clearly says that God will forgive those who repent for their sins. Only God REALLY knows if you are sorry and nobody else. Human beings can not possibly speak for God. They can help teach God's word from what they study and they believe and through God's guidance but then that makes them no different than you or I. Religion is in the interpretation...hence why this has always been such a big problem for me. I am really bothered by people claiming to be really religious and then they do things that just blow my mind like have affairs, hurt people and have no regard for life whatsoever. My godfather (God rest his soul) used to say that the people who went to church the most were there because they had that much more to ask forgiveness for. They were there out of guilt he would say.
My godparents are another reason for my huge belief in God. He sent them to me. I am sure of it. He guided me through them. They were amazing people who are with God now. They are looking down on me each day. I love my godchildren in the same way that they loved me and I expect no less from the godparents of my children. God has led me to amazing godparents for all my children. They are a huge part of my life and will continue to be. I love you all.
So here I am on in the south, the bible belt and I have no religion. We have been asked to attend many different services while here. I have had some interest in them but not enough to go. I think that I have truly just accepted that there might not be a religion out there that I feel comfortable enough to be a part of. With that being said, my faith is strong and I do believe that God has a plan for me. I only wish that He had a way to share that plan with me...lol. In all honesty, I know that whatever is meant to happen, will happen. He will guide me and I will allow Him to guide me.
Recently, Jose and I were invited to attend another service with a co-worker of his and her fiance. I am still toying with the idea. I want to go because I feel as though this may be God leading me in this direction. I did some quick research on it and I am not sure how I feel. They have meetings for the men of the congregation, kids services, Sunday services and not sure what else. This is going to sound really selfish but I don't want to spend my life at church. To me, church is simply a building. I don't need to be in a church to talk to God or pray to him. I do that each and every day in my house, in my car and in my bed...even at work. I don't need to be there 4 days a week to worship him. So I am not sure where this will lead me. The parish is Methodist. I am not even sure what Methodist people believe in, nevermind if I agree with their beliefs. All I do know is that this could be yet another learning experience in my life so I don't want to look away.
I am waiting for Jose to decide whether this is a journey that he wants to take with me or if I will be doing this solo. Religion is SO not Jose's thing. Either way, I feel as though God is pushing me to search once again for a place to belong, a place that can help me learn more about him. Things that I could not simply learn on my own. I will keep you all updated on the next phase of the religious part of my life. Oh, that is one more thing... I don't believe that religion should be an hour on Sunday. Religion needs to be a part of your life. It should be there in helping you with all decisions in your life. That is probably why I am so particular with making sure that the beliefs are so in line with mine. Once again, sit tight and stay tuned and I will let you all know what I decide and how it goes.
Thank you God for all of these amazing friends and family that you have blessed me with !
