The Discovery

So Jose and I have been searching high and low for a house. Just Friday and Saturday alone were hours of looking, making appointments, seeing what's available, seeing what we like. We have to come to a sunning realization. What we thought we wanted is not at all what we wanted at all.

Don't get me wrong, we want to live in a nice house in a beautiful community like we do now but with that comes a price. The price is the feeling that we don't belong....because we don't. We are not people who want to keep up with the Jone's. We don't try to have a house bigger and better than the next person. We don't try to be something we are not. Then how come we have been doing it for almost two years?

This move, as I have said before, has meant so much to me on so many levels. It is a chance for us to save some real money and do things that we have not been able to do. It is a chance for me to leave the horrible memories of my mother behind and only carry with me the ones that I cherish. It is a chance for Jose and I to find what we want...just the two of us with the kids.

So what do we want? We want to be around real people. People who have problems and don't pretend to be prefect, only making us feel more imperfect. We want to be around people that come home after a hard days work and sit outside with a beer without worrying what their neighbor will think, and maybe even ask their neighbor to join. We want neighbors that want to get to together on the weekends for BBQ's instead of hiding in their perfect houses cleaning and only come out to mow the lawn. Well we haven't found this in a subdivision so we are going way out on a limb and trying something new. We are thinking of moving to the downtown city part of Concord. This means real streets where there is traffic, people walking the streets to get to places not just walking their dogs, city buses dropping off people and so that I am being completely honest with you since you are our friends....this also means that it is more dirty and there is more crime. Now in the city there is always more litter and because it is not being carefully manicured by the HOA committee, obviously there will be far from perfect situations. It's ok though because we don't like perfection...we have discovered it is extremely boring. And about the crime...we are not moving to NYC so it is not that bad. It is real people with real problems. It reminds us a little of where we can from but not. A little piece of home in NC. This must sound like the strangest and stupidest thing for some of you. We are not saying that subdivisions are bad. We are simply realizing that they might just not be for us.

Today we are looking, for the second time, at a house that we very much like...might even say love. It is everything this house is not and vice versa. It is small and charming and engulfed by multi-cultural people. It has arched doorways. It only has one bathroom...omg the horror ! It is a craftsman brick house. Many of the original elements are still in the home. The kitchen is the original farmhouse kitchen. It is everything that I never knew that I liked until we saw it and fell in love. There are hurdles with this house. It has smaller rooms because it is an older home. The closets are much smaller than we have here but I think that we have decided to use this move as an excuse to get rid of all the things that we don't use and haven't used since we moved here. We need to step outside our box and our comfort home in search of what we are looking for.

I think that this might the house we pick. Did I mention that we will be saving $310 a month on the rent alone and that is not including what we would be saving on the water because of our issue here and the heat and the electric because it is a smaller place. The possiblities are endless. I feel like a little kid waiting for the first day of school at the thought of moving back to a REAL neighborhood. A little piece of the ghetto here in NC...lol...but so far from it in so many ways. This is where we feel we belong but we worry a bit the others won't understand our decision. Who am I kidding? Jose is worried, you all know that I don't really give a crap. If you don't like where I live then don't come visit me...lol! As a little birdie suggested to me...if we don't like it then we move when our lease is up. The perks of renting. We can try it all until we find what we like.

I will keep you all updated as we make a decision. Don't know if one will be made today or not but it will have to be soon. We did our application yesterday and have already been approved. This house is ours if we want it. Do we want it? Will we take it?

I LOST...

my first 10 pounds ! I am so excited. It has taken me almost two months but I finally did it. Now I am tackling my next 10! I am so motivated.

We practically spent the night driving around looking at houses. We have yet to find the right house for us. There is one that we are waiting to see but the tenants are still in there so we will have to wait. They are supposed to be out by the end of the month. Not really sure why they have it listed yet but whatever. So our hunt will continue. I know that all we need is a little patience. We are also looking at an apt complex on Saturday...against Jose's wishes. He doesn't even want to consider it but it is so cheap and pretty decent size too and he wouldn't have to mow the grass either but he is really not feeling and we both have to agree. I know that with time will find something. We will probably have better luck after the first because that will be when everyone is moving out. So just keep us and our house hunting in your prayers.

I am going to put the job hunt temporarily on hold now so that I can have time to pack and try to find us a home. Then I will get back into seeing if I can find something better....unless of course I have a bad day here and then I will be back on searching...lol.

It's Official...

we are moving and we are downsizing. So here is our deal. We moved her in May 08 to this beautiful large southern style home. We have called it home for what will have been two years. Unfortunately, we moved into a pretty stuffy community and as a result, we still don't know any of our neighbors. Add to that,that my mother moved out and we have way too much space and you start to see where we are coming from. We pay more to heat/cool the house because it's bigger, we have more to clean because it's bigger...ok so "I" have more to clean..lol. So we made the decision not to renew our lease on May 1st.

We started looking and found a few options. We officially gave the reatly company our notice that we will not be renewing so the race is on. We now need to find a home and fast. And we need to pack the whole house. And we need to keep the house looking decent through all this because I am sure they are going to want to show the house. So the next couple of months are going to be a little crazy for us but the excitement is there. Moving someplace new means a new start for me on so many different levels. This will be our place for Jose and I and not with lingering with the memory of my mother.

Those of you who live here in NC will be hearing from me for help and those of you in RI will hearing from me to vent...lol. We are very excited !

The Start of a Brand New Week

So I know that some of you have been emailing me and calling me to ask about how things are going. Well, to be honest, today is a bad day. I have been trying to get my house back in order but I haven't had much luck. Or at least it doesn't feel like it anyways. I did move the playroom to the tv room like I wanted to do and that room is compeletely done, so it hasn't been a total waste of time...lol. I started on turning the old playroom into an office but haven't gone back to it. Jose and I put the two kids desks together but we haven't put the computers in there yet. Things just seem to be at a stand still.
CJ was home sick on Friday, he had strep. So since I was home with him, I took the opportunity to clean the fridge and clean the pantry. Little accomplishments give me such great joy...lol. Actually, I think that I have been burrying myself in the cleaning and organizing in hopes that my head will clear itself. In all this, the one room that I can't seem to tackle is my mother's room. I go in there, look around and the anger begins to build. The anger of how she left. The anger of the mess she left for me to clean. The anger of me allowing this to go on for so long. I know that time heals all wounds but I just never expected it to take so long. I feel like she is still effecting my life in a horrible way even though she is no longer here. Or am I just allowing her to have that hold on me. I am so confused and angry that although she is gone, this is not over yet. I think that in the long run this will be therapeutic for me to clean out her room. A sort of good-bye to the bad karma that she left behind. I might need to push myself to get there or maybe I just need to take my own time getting there.
I am really blessed to have so many wonderful people that care so much around me. I am sorry that I haven't been around much and been canceling on things. I really just need time to get through this. I guess I am not as ok as I would like to be but I know that I am on the right path. Poor Jose has had to endure my mood swings and cleaning sprees non-stop...lol. I have put him through so much already with this whole mess that I just want to actually start new with him, once and for all. So that we can be the family that we were meant to be.
So this is a new week and I am optomistic that it will be better than last and that the weeks will continue to get better. Thanks again for all of your support !

This Weekend

There was no fighting. I bent over backwards to help her. She chose to leave at 6am so that she didn't have to say goodbye to the kids or Jose. She did wake me up and I kissed her on the cheek, told her that I love her and have a safe trip. She looked at me and said "have a good day" and walked out the door. Wow, it was like she was just going to the store or something. She had no emotion at all. They left at 5:45am and returned at 6:45 because my mother forgot some important papers in a drawer. I asked them to keep me posted. John called me at 1pm to ask how to roll up her window when it gets stuck and I told him. Didn't think to ask where they were. I called them at 6pm since I still hadn't heard amything, they were in PA. I asked them to call me when they got into RI but nobody did. Larissa told me this morning that they arrived there at 11:30pm because she is good friends with my mother's best friend's grand-daughter. That is it. Still haven't heard from either one but they arrived safely there and now she is someone else's responsibility.

As for me....when she left in the morning and drove away, I broke down. I didn't expect it at all. I thought that I would feel relief for about a week and then it would hit me that she is gone. Intead I had a flood of emotions pour down onto my body. I was pissed, angry, upset, sad, happy, relieved, uplifted, amazed and scared. I felt like my body was being taken over and I cried for about 4 hours straight. Luckily the kids were sleeping and didn't know anything. Jose had no idea what to say or do. I told him that I just needed time and he gave me that. Although I feel better after talking to my best friend for hours and venting, I am still filled with all these emotions. I don't even feel like she deserves for me to feel this way. She doesn't deserve for me to shed any tears for her.

Her things. I had agreed to take all her boxes to storage after she was gone so that she could leave this weekend with John. It was our understanding that she would leave everything packed, Jose & I would pile it all in the garage until we could get them to storage. I was so pissed when I walked into her room and found that she left it all for me to pack. She simply packed up her Christmas stuff in one corner and packed the stuff she took with her. The rest is left for me to do. I can't beleive that all that time she had home alone, she didn't pack it at all. I can't believe that once again she is leaving yet another burden on me to do something. Even after the cold way that she left. If I was a different kind of person, I would put all her crap out on the curb on trash night and call it a day. But I can't do that because I have a heart. A heart that has been continuously walked over and stomped on by her repeatedly. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

I don't know who this woman is because this is NOT my mother.

I now start the healing process for me and just as importantly for Nathan. Of course the whole family will be feeling it too and has felt it...but Nathan and I have been the ones that have clearly been effected the most. I did everything that I could to make this not turn out this way. I have no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Thank you all for helping me through this.

Bitter Sweet

I was prepared for the emotions but not like this. The emotions are almost unbearable. The pain, anger and sadness out way the relief at this moment in time. For those of you that don't know, my mother has just left with John (my ex) to head back to RI. She will be there for three to four weeks and then she is heading back to Portugal for good. That is all that I can write right now since my emotions are jumbled beyond compare. I hope to be on again this week to say more. I think that I need to get some much needed rest right now.
Thanks for listening everyone.

Hello

I wanted to stop in and say hello to everyone. I have not been writing because so much has been going on that I have not had time to come up for air. I will be back on shortly, I just have to wait for a few things to get settled first.
I miss everyone, miss talking to you and miss hearing your feedback.