A little more than half the year has passed and now it's time to re-visit my list and see what I have done and what I still need to do and what I can do !
* work on me...well I have been putting on make-up almost every day, I wear heels every day to work and I put on my earrings but appearance wise, that is it. My hair is just a disaster, I am so bored with it. I do have the name of a place though that I will be checking out soon and hopefully she can do something with my limp mop. I have been making time for me ! Although I haven't read lately because of life being a bit hectic, I did get a lot of reading during the first half of the year and I go to my scrapbooking club once a month so that is just for me. I honestly could do better but I think that I am doing good so far.
*get my nails done....yeah ! Got them done a little before my birthday and still have them on. They make me feel a bit more polished.
*spend more time outdoors with the kids....well, ok, I have failed at this. I am so NOT an outdoors person...lol. I have gone to the pool with the kids a couple of times, I have gone to the park with CJ a couple of times and we have gone to Lazy5Ranch a couple of times...does Lazy5Ranch count? Well, it's outdoors..lol. Now I know where my kids get it from. :o) I am going to attempt to enjoy the outdoors a little more for the remainder of the year though.
*visit RI (at least twice)...another yeah ! And one more trip to go, so it will be three !
*go back to school...I have not done it and I won't be doing it this year. The last semester starts August 18th and there isn't time or money for me to sign up now so I am going to register in December for classes starting in January. At least I will be enrolled by the end of 2009. That has to count for something.
*being more consistant with the kids.....fail ! This is my biggest problem. I am not giving up though, I still have 5 months to prove to myself that I can do it.
*get a bed....yeah ! In February we got a really nice king size bed from Ikea...best money we have spent !
*get a dining room set...yeah ! Most of you saw my before and after of my beautiful FIND.
*one date night a month...yeah ! I actually think that we have had more than one a month, can you actually believe that?! Dates nights really allow us to just get out of the house and just be a couple. This was the best idea.
*get in touch with my brother, Tiago....not yet! I am still working on finding a way to get his address or phone number but I still have time.
Wish List: I also added on the bottom that I was putting on my wish list for Jose to get a job in his field. He has been at his new job three months now and he loves it. The company is great, the people are great and he loves what he does !
So, all in all, it doesn't look that bad. At least half is done and I still have time to get working on the other half. Overall, it looks pretty good. It is nice to go back through the list and actually see that things are done and remind myself of the things that I still need to work on. Don't forget to go back and revisit your lists if you have any. Talk to you guys tomorrow !
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Kids Are Back
So the kids are back from RI. They have been back for a week now and are already driving me crazy. I guess that I knew it would happen. I missed them so much while they were gone. I knew this whole experience would be trial and error but I feel like it wasn't such a great idea. Well you live and you learn. I am so happy that they got to spend so much time with family and friends, I try to be considerate of the fact that they have family and friends there but it was too random for me to deal with. I like to know where my babies are and what they are doing and I want to be able to protect them from all harm...I can't do that from 900 miles away !
So they are back and my house feels cozy once again. Kind of like a zoo, but cozy. The rooms are messy, the laundry is piled up, the dishes are in the sink but at the end of the night when I lay down to go to sleep, I know that the little ones are home safely tucked in their beds !
So they are back and my house feels cozy once again. Kind of like a zoo, but cozy. The rooms are messy, the laundry is piled up, the dishes are in the sink but at the end of the night when I lay down to go to sleep, I know that the little ones are home safely tucked in their beds !
Monday, August 3, 2009
My Godparents Are Together Again....Finally.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that my god-parents are two of the most influential people in my life. They are exceptional, and they are forever and always in my heart. Most people never even knew their names because I always referred to them as my godfather and my godmother. That was more important than their names to me. I called them Pa Henry and Ma Mary but their real names were Henrique Paul Lourenco and Mary C Lourenco. They were reunited in heaven the end of last year, but sadly I don't know that date.
My godfather passed away when I was in high school. His death was one of the most emotional times of my life. He was amazing but he was suffering so much and even at that young age, I knew that it was better that he was no longer suffering. I have a strong faith in God, always have. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I snuck down to the basement to "his" room and just sat there crying and talking to God. I told him that I was sorry that I had been begging for him to live longer just because I wasn't ready to lose him. I told him that if he was suffering that I would understand if it was his time to go and be without pain once again. Almost instantly, the nurse came down to say that he had passed. As a teen, I thought it was my doing, that it was because of my talk with God that he had passed. I don't know that it wasn't. Maybe God was waiting for me to be able to handle his loss. Maybe he just needed to be let go. But I truly understood his death but his loss still stays in my heart to this day. I know that he is looking down at me and so proud of the person that I have become. He is my guardian angel.
My godmother out lived him. She was very peppy and energetic and was always ready to go out. She put her hair up in rollers each night and always had her nails done. She always liked to look nice. That is until she was place in a nursing home. I had heard her say many times that is the last place she wanted to be and it killed me to see her there. It wasn't long after being put there that she started losing her mind. They say that it was either Alzeimers or Dimensia but honestly, in my heart, I think she just gave up. I think that it hurt her so much to be there that she just didn't want to remember. The life that she loved and lived each day had been taken away from her and being there was just sad to her. She always said that God would punish those that put her there and truly that has come true. That is another story all together though.
On my last trip to RI, I called the nursing home to make sure that they would allow me in since I was running so late and wouldn't arrive until well after 8 which is their visiting hours. I could tell by the nurse's reaction that something was wrong. I thought maybe she wasn't there but had to be taken to the hospitol or something. I had no idea that it was worst. She told me that she had passed last year. She thought it was November but it could have been early December. She knew for sure that it was before Christmas because they all missed her for the holiday. My godmother was loved by all that knew her....even in her last days. I had to pull over on the side of the road to stop from creating an accident. My godmother had passed away almost nine months ago and nobody bothered to contact me or my mother to let us know. The emotions were and are overwhelming. The love I still have to this day for my godparents is more than I could ever explain. I did make it to the cemetary with some very dear friends. I took flowers for both my godparents and pictures to bring back with me since I can't just run to the cemetary to see them. I said my final goodbye to my godmother that I was not allowed to do personally.
I now smile because I know that my godfather and my godmother are together at last again. I know that they are holding each other and dancing and laughing. They are the way they should be...together and looking over me and my family.
My godfather passed away when I was in high school. His death was one of the most emotional times of my life. He was amazing but he was suffering so much and even at that young age, I knew that it was better that he was no longer suffering. I have a strong faith in God, always have. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I snuck down to the basement to "his" room and just sat there crying and talking to God. I told him that I was sorry that I had been begging for him to live longer just because I wasn't ready to lose him. I told him that if he was suffering that I would understand if it was his time to go and be without pain once again. Almost instantly, the nurse came down to say that he had passed. As a teen, I thought it was my doing, that it was because of my talk with God that he had passed. I don't know that it wasn't. Maybe God was waiting for me to be able to handle his loss. Maybe he just needed to be let go. But I truly understood his death but his loss still stays in my heart to this day. I know that he is looking down at me and so proud of the person that I have become. He is my guardian angel.
My godmother out lived him. She was very peppy and energetic and was always ready to go out. She put her hair up in rollers each night and always had her nails done. She always liked to look nice. That is until she was place in a nursing home. I had heard her say many times that is the last place she wanted to be and it killed me to see her there. It wasn't long after being put there that she started losing her mind. They say that it was either Alzeimers or Dimensia but honestly, in my heart, I think she just gave up. I think that it hurt her so much to be there that she just didn't want to remember. The life that she loved and lived each day had been taken away from her and being there was just sad to her. She always said that God would punish those that put her there and truly that has come true. That is another story all together though.
On my last trip to RI, I called the nursing home to make sure that they would allow me in since I was running so late and wouldn't arrive until well after 8 which is their visiting hours. I could tell by the nurse's reaction that something was wrong. I thought maybe she wasn't there but had to be taken to the hospitol or something. I had no idea that it was worst. She told me that she had passed last year. She thought it was November but it could have been early December. She knew for sure that it was before Christmas because they all missed her for the holiday. My godmother was loved by all that knew her....even in her last days. I had to pull over on the side of the road to stop from creating an accident. My godmother had passed away almost nine months ago and nobody bothered to contact me or my mother to let us know. The emotions were and are overwhelming. The love I still have to this day for my godparents is more than I could ever explain. I did make it to the cemetary with some very dear friends. I took flowers for both my godparents and pictures to bring back with me since I can't just run to the cemetary to see them. I said my final goodbye to my godmother that I was not allowed to do personally.
I now smile because I know that my godfather and my godmother are together at last again. I know that they are holding each other and dancing and laughing. They are the way they should be...together and looking over me and my family.
Getting Back On Track
So I have this habit of going back and reading and re-reading what I write. It helps me to understand myself better. I got really emotional at my last writing and I imagine that I will for years to come if not always. Mom is still in Portugal as most of you know. She has actually showed me just how miserable she was here with me. She is taking care of herself again, she has stopped wearing black and she has become social once again. I will still address that situation when she returns but I have a much clearer head now that I have had much time to think about the situation and what it means for all of us.
I don't have time now to catch you all up on what has been going on but I will be writing each day again, with the exception of the weekends because that is my family time. I miss writing and it gives me an outlet to let all my anger, stress, happiness, joy and just any feeling that I might be keeping inside. I also need to revisit my to do list for 2009 and see how it is going. So my dear friends....I am up and writing again.
I don't have time now to catch you all up on what has been going on but I will be writing each day again, with the exception of the weekends because that is my family time. I miss writing and it gives me an outlet to let all my anger, stress, happiness, joy and just any feeling that I might be keeping inside. I also need to revisit my to do list for 2009 and see how it is going. So my dear friends....I am up and writing again.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My Mother
What do you do when you realize that your mother has changed and that you can no longer deal with whom she has become.
Anyone who know the relationship between my mother and I know that we have had some pretty bumpy roads and that the mind games with her never really stop. As an adult I have learned how to deal with my mother and I have learned to accept that her games and her actions are just part of who she is, or are they. I never thought that it was ever more than just mind games and manipulations...damn that must sound pretty bad already. There is something different about writing things that just makes you think of them differently. My three amazing children have watched my mother get worst over the past couple of years. Larissa has a typical teen attitude of WHATEVER and that has really helped her from being effected by my mom, or at least I hope that it has. I might have to revisit this thought once I can get the rest of my thoughts together. CJ is just too little to know how to deal with it and honestly she doesn't treat him the same way because he is the baby, at least for now. Nathan is my emotional child. It now appears to me that she feeds on him knowing that he will not just say whatever, he will become angry and sad and somehow this is defeat to her.
I love my mother. It is my love for her that has allowed me to overlook this for so long. I was thinking of her as the mother who risked everything to bring me to this country. The mother that worked her butt off to make sure that I had all that I needed and even some of what I wanted. The mother that had no life because I was her life. But this is not about me anymore. I have tried to make the best of the situation between my mother and Nathan. I have tried talking to her, I have tried to tell him to stay away from her and I have tried seperating them. It is hopeless and pointless because the games go beyond things that I can control. I have always heard that there is that breaking point. The one thing that happens that just opens your eyes to what is really happening. Last night was that moment for me.
Nathan had Karate last night and could not find his belt. I have reason to believe that my mother has taken Nathan's karate belt and hidden it. She will not admit it and I can't prove it but I know that the truth will come out eventually because it always does. Nathan was upset beyond belief at his missing yellow belt and really did not want to go to karate. Once again I was a bit torn at the thought that it could have been Nathan who misplaced it and here I am taking it out on my mother. So I went to her room, where she was locked away, and asked her if she had seen Nathan's belt. She turned to me and said that is serves him right because he never puts it away. She didn't really answer my question and she never even got out of her room to help look for it. Everyone else in the house was looking and it was nowhere to be found. Totally frustrated at the situation and realizing that there is a HUGE possibility that it was yet another attempt at my mother breaking Nathan down, her way of punishing him for something. I said let's go and headed off to karate class with Nathan crying the whole way. I left him in the car with Dalissa and Mani and went in to talk to Sensei. This was the first time that I would have to admit the hatred that my mother has for my son, not only to myself, but also to another person. I explained what I thought had happened, what Nathan goes through on a daily basis and why he was in the car crying. Sensei told me that I had to keep bringing him to karate because the child needs to vent his anger and frustration out in class with all that he must have vented up in him. I got Nathan out of the car and Sensei gave him a belt to use (which he never does) and took him aside and talked to him. One of the women in Karate that I talk to often saw me visually upset and asked what was going on. I explained to her the basics and her reaction floored me. She simply said to me..."Would you allow anyone else to verbally and mentally abuse your son in that way? He is going to hate you for allowing her to continue to do this and you not stepping in to stop him. He is your son, your birthed him, it is your responsibility to protect him from harm." I had to fight back the tears as an almost stranger was telling me something that I had not even realized. If this had been anyone else, I would not have tolerated it. If this was Jose talking to him like that I have to admit that I would have left and never looked back. I had always dismissed her behavior and her actions as "just her" when it was verbal and mental abuse. How could I have allowed anyone to treat my son like that. How could I have allowed the fact that she is my mother to cloud my vision as to what was really happening. That is not the end though, there is more. We took the boys to walmart to get a soccar ball and my godson tells me that he heard her say to Nathan that he doesn't deserve to have a life. I changed the subject quickly to stop from needing to explain, I guess that I have gotten too good at that lately. I realize that there is so much that I don't want to accept and so much that happens that I don't know about because he is sick and tired of telling me and me doing nothing about it. Things that I will probably never know about. I need to put and end to this and I need to open my eyes to the reality around me.
It is my mother, my mom. I don't want to hurt her but she is hurting my son and I need to protect him. She is leaving a week from today and I guess that I am a bit of a coward because I am choosing not to address any of this before she leaves. I will admit that I am scared of losing my mother as I have in the past to our disagreements but I am more scared to have my son hate me because what I have already allowed to happen. I am going to use the time she is away to allow my son to heal and to help him fix what has been broken in him. I picked up and moved from RI to NC to give my kids a better life and I intend to make sure that is what they get. I am going to speak to my brother about keeping her in Portugal until Larissa's 15th. She really wants to be here for her 15th. When she returns though she will be faced with a choice. If she chooses to continue to live in NC then I would be glad to help her look for an apartment to live in. If she choosed to move back to RI then I will help her with that move and if she chooses to go back to Portugal then I will accept that as well. I am asking all of my family and friends for strength and guidance during this really difficult time for me right now. The emotions are overwhelming. The guilt is strong and alive even though I know that I was only doing what I thought was best. Each time my son came to me hurt about something his grandmother said to him, I simply told him that he would need to get over it because that was his grandmother and there wasn't anything that I could do to change her. I allowed it, I enabled it, I didn't even see it happening. So if anyone has any advice, anything that they want to add, I am open to it all. I need your help.
It is my mother, my mom. I don't want to hurt her but she is hurting my son and I need to protect him. She is leaving a week from today and I guess that I am a bit of a coward because I am choosing not to address any of this before she leaves. I will admit that I am scared of losing my mother as I have in the past to our disagreements but I am more scared to have my son hate me because what I have already allowed to happen. I am going to use the time she is away to allow my son to heal and to help him fix what has been broken in him. I picked up and moved from RI to NC to give my kids a better life and I intend to make sure that is what they get. I am going to speak to my brother about keeping her in Portugal until Larissa's 15th. She really wants to be here for her 15th. When she returns though she will be faced with a choice. If she chooses to continue to live in NC then I would be glad to help her look for an apartment to live in. If she choosed to move back to RI then I will help her with that move and if she chooses to go back to Portugal then I will accept that as well. I am asking all of my family and friends for strength and guidance during this really difficult time for me right now. The emotions are overwhelming. The guilt is strong and alive even though I know that I was only doing what I thought was best. Each time my son came to me hurt about something his grandmother said to him, I simply told him that he would need to get over it because that was his grandmother and there wasn't anything that I could do to change her. I allowed it, I enabled it, I didn't even see it happening. So if anyone has any advice, anything that they want to add, I am open to it all. I need your help.
Monday, February 9, 2009
My week
I did not plan to take this long in between posts but sometimes life gets the best of you. Let me catch you all up on what has been going on.
Nathan's karate tournament was cancelled on Saturday. He was so disappointed, poor thing. The coach backed them out of it because he said that none of the kids but Nathan was ready. This would have been his first so he is upset and the next one is not until March. He did get moved from the 6pm class which is for 4-10 year olds to the 7pm class which is for 11 and up kids for his hard work and dedication. I don't think that he has ever missed a class. Each Tuesday and Thursday he is already and dressed when I get home from work. This is a wonderful thing for him.
Larissa got accepted in Narroway Production, which is the local theatre production. She had her first rehearsal on Saturday from 3:30-8pm. She came home really excited about it and I can't wait to actually see her in it. Is a Christian Musical called "The Gospel According to Tennessee". She is super excited about it.
CJ has been having his play therapy. It seems to really be working and I had my doubts. He can sign Please, More and I did it. He also says Please now. Not very clearly but he says it and he tries to say it. I really like the therpist and I can't wait to continue to see his progress. He will also have his speach therapy too but they are having a hard time finding a slot that is open.
I finally booked my mother's ticket to Portugal yesterday for her. She is leaving February 25th. I am so excited for her. It has been a long time since she has seen the family and I am glad that she is able to make this trip. I am praying that all goes well with her retirement paperwork. She is in good hands there though so I am not worried. I am also looking forward to spending some time alone with my family getting us back on track too.
I am also super excited about my best friend's visit on Friday. I can't beleive that it is this Friday. This is some much needed best friend bonding time. I know it is going to be an incredible week for us.
Jose and I had our second date night on Saturday night. The burlesque show was really good. I actually enjoyed it more than he did. He wasn't feeling well at all but he stuck it out for me because he didn't want to ruin the evening. It was a good time. I took pics and will post them when I get a chance. Didn't get any of us this time since we were running late but I took a bunch of the show. He was a bit floored because he didn't know what Burlesque was.....lol. We had a blast though.
Ok...so I think that is all for now. I think that I have caught you all up on what has been happening with my crazy family. Talk to you all tomorrow.
Nathan's karate tournament was cancelled on Saturday. He was so disappointed, poor thing. The coach backed them out of it because he said that none of the kids but Nathan was ready. This would have been his first so he is upset and the next one is not until March. He did get moved from the 6pm class which is for 4-10 year olds to the 7pm class which is for 11 and up kids for his hard work and dedication. I don't think that he has ever missed a class. Each Tuesday and Thursday he is already and dressed when I get home from work. This is a wonderful thing for him.
Larissa got accepted in Narroway Production, which is the local theatre production. She had her first rehearsal on Saturday from 3:30-8pm. She came home really excited about it and I can't wait to actually see her in it. Is a Christian Musical called "The Gospel According to Tennessee". She is super excited about it.
CJ has been having his play therapy. It seems to really be working and I had my doubts. He can sign Please, More and I did it. He also says Please now. Not very clearly but he says it and he tries to say it. I really like the therpist and I can't wait to continue to see his progress. He will also have his speach therapy too but they are having a hard time finding a slot that is open.
I finally booked my mother's ticket to Portugal yesterday for her. She is leaving February 25th. I am so excited for her. It has been a long time since she has seen the family and I am glad that she is able to make this trip. I am praying that all goes well with her retirement paperwork. She is in good hands there though so I am not worried. I am also looking forward to spending some time alone with my family getting us back on track too.
I am also super excited about my best friend's visit on Friday. I can't beleive that it is this Friday. This is some much needed best friend bonding time. I know it is going to be an incredible week for us.
Jose and I had our second date night on Saturday night. The burlesque show was really good. I actually enjoyed it more than he did. He wasn't feeling well at all but he stuck it out for me because he didn't want to ruin the evening. It was a good time. I took pics and will post them when I get a chance. Didn't get any of us this time since we were running late but I took a bunch of the show. He was a bit floored because he didn't know what Burlesque was.....lol. We had a blast though.
Ok...so I think that is all for now. I think that I have caught you all up on what has been happening with my crazy family. Talk to you all tomorrow.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Happenings of this Weekend
Larissa had her Semi-Formal. She is getting way to grown. She did look beautiful though. I took lots of pics though, don't worry..lol. I still can't believe that she is in high school already. I really don't feel old enough to be going through this. She has a good bunch of friends too. Three of them got ready together and three mothers were there taking picture after picture. The girls were good sports about it too. Mayi...Larissa finally got to open your giftcards and I got to take her shopping right away. She bought a jacket and two shirts with the giftcards. I took pics of her with the jacket already but not the shirts yet.
Nathan made honor roll and he had his honor roll ceremony. He also made Artist of the Week twice and was given his certificates. He is doing so great in school here. I am hoping that when he starts middle school next year that he might get more involved in school activities. That is something that he has never really done. At least he has Karate though. The tournament is next weekend. I am going to try to record when he is sparing but I don't know if I will figure out how to download it on here...lol. Mayi, Nathan also got your presents and he loved them all.
CJ had his speech evaluation on Thursday and he will be having speech therapy once a week to see if they can help his speech along a bit. He is also having play therapy once a week. I got to meet, Nicki, his play therapist. She was really good with him and she let me know what to expect. She thinks that between the two each week that we shouldn't be surprised to hear his catch on quickly. I wasn't able to be there for the speech evaluation but Jose said that they were blowing bubbles and seeing if they could get CJ to say "more bubbles" and they got him to say "mo baba"...that is way more than has been saying so I am really optomistic.
Nathan made honor roll and he had his honor roll ceremony. He also made Artist of the Week twice and was given his certificates. He is doing so great in school here. I am hoping that when he starts middle school next year that he might get more involved in school activities. That is something that he has never really done. At least he has Karate though. The tournament is next weekend. I am going to try to record when he is sparing but I don't know if I will figure out how to download it on here...lol. Mayi, Nathan also got your presents and he loved them all.
CJ had his speech evaluation on Thursday and he will be having speech therapy once a week to see if they can help his speech along a bit. He is also having play therapy once a week. I got to meet, Nicki, his play therapist. She was really good with him and she let me know what to expect. She thinks that between the two each week that we shouldn't be surprised to hear his catch on quickly. I wasn't able to be there for the speech evaluation but Jose said that they were blowing bubbles and seeing if they could get CJ to say "more bubbles" and they got him to say "mo baba"...that is way more than has been saying so I am really optomistic.
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