My Mother

What do you do when you realize that your mother has changed and that you can no longer deal with whom she has become.

Anyone who know the relationship between my mother and I know that we have had some pretty bumpy roads and that the mind games with her never really stop. As an adult I have learned how to deal with my mother and I have learned to accept that her games and her actions are just part of who she is, or are they. I never thought that it was ever more than just mind games and manipulations...damn that must sound pretty bad already. There is something different about writing things that just makes you think of them differently. My three amazing children have watched my mother get worst over the past couple of years. Larissa has a typical teen attitude of WHATEVER and that has really helped her from being effected by my mom, or at least I hope that it has. I might have to revisit this thought once I can get the rest of my thoughts together. CJ is just too little to know how to deal with it and honestly she doesn't treat him the same way because he is the baby, at least for now. Nathan is my emotional child. It now appears to me that she feeds on him knowing that he will not just say whatever, he will become angry and sad and somehow this is defeat to her.

I love my mother. It is my love for her that has allowed me to overlook this for so long. I was thinking of her as the mother who risked everything to bring me to this country. The mother that worked her butt off to make sure that I had all that I needed and even some of what I wanted. The mother that had no life because I was her life. But this is not about me anymore. I have tried to make the best of the situation between my mother and Nathan. I have tried talking to her, I have tried to tell him to stay away from her and I have tried seperating them. It is hopeless and pointless because the games go beyond things that I can control. I have always heard that there is that breaking point. The one thing that happens that just opens your eyes to what is really happening. Last night was that moment for me.

Nathan had Karate last night and could not find his belt. I have reason to believe that my mother has taken Nathan's karate belt and hidden it. She will not admit it and I can't prove it but I know that the truth will come out eventually because it always does. Nathan was upset beyond belief at his missing yellow belt and really did not want to go to karate. Once again I was a bit torn at the thought that it could have been Nathan who misplaced it and here I am taking it out on my mother. So I went to her room, where she was locked away, and asked her if she had seen Nathan's belt. She turned to me and said that is serves him right because he never puts it away. She didn't really answer my question and she never even got out of her room to help look for it. Everyone else in the house was looking and it was nowhere to be found. Totally frustrated at the situation and realizing that there is a HUGE possibility that it was yet another attempt at my mother breaking Nathan down, her way of punishing him for something. I said let's go and headed off to karate class with Nathan crying the whole way. I left him in the car with Dalissa and Mani and went in to talk to Sensei. This was the first time that I would have to admit the hatred that my mother has for my son, not only to myself, but also to another person. I explained what I thought had happened, what Nathan goes through on a daily basis and why he was in the car crying. Sensei told me that I had to keep bringing him to karate because the child needs to vent his anger and frustration out in class with all that he must have vented up in him. I got Nathan out of the car and Sensei gave him a belt to use (which he never does) and took him aside and talked to him. One of the women in Karate that I talk to often saw me visually upset and asked what was going on. I explained to her the basics and her reaction floored me. She simply said to me..."Would you allow anyone else to verbally and mentally abuse your son in that way? He is going to hate you for allowing her to continue to do this and you not stepping in to stop him. He is your son, your birthed him, it is your responsibility to protect him from harm." I had to fight back the tears as an almost stranger was telling me something that I had not even realized. If this had been anyone else, I would not have tolerated it. If this was Jose talking to him like that I have to admit that I would have left and never looked back. I had always dismissed her behavior and her actions as "just her" when it was verbal and mental abuse. How could I have allowed anyone to treat my son like that. How could I have allowed the fact that she is my mother to cloud my vision as to what was really happening. That is not the end though, there is more. We took the boys to walmart to get a soccar ball and my godson tells me that he heard her say to Nathan that he doesn't deserve to have a life. I changed the subject quickly to stop from needing to explain, I guess that I have gotten too good at that lately. I realize that there is so much that I don't want to accept and so much that happens that I don't know about because he is sick and tired of telling me and me doing nothing about it. Things that I will probably never know about. I need to put and end to this and I need to open my eyes to the reality around me.

It is my mother, my mom. I don't want to hurt her but she is hurting my son and I need to protect him. She is leaving a week from today and I guess that I am a bit of a coward because I am choosing not to address any of this before she leaves. I will admit that I am scared of losing my mother as I have in the past to our disagreements but I am more scared to have my son hate me because what I have already allowed to happen. I am going to use the time she is away to allow my son to heal and to help him fix what has been broken in him. I picked up and moved from RI to NC to give my kids a better life and I intend to make sure that is what they get. I am going to speak to my brother about keeping her in Portugal until Larissa's 15th. She really wants to be here for her 15th. When she returns though she will be faced with a choice. If she chooses to continue to live in NC then I would be glad to help her look for an apartment to live in. If she choosed to move back to RI then I will help her with that move and if she chooses to go back to Portugal then I will accept that as well. I am asking all of my family and friends for strength and guidance during this really difficult time for me right now. The emotions are overwhelming. The guilt is strong and alive even though I know that I was only doing what I thought was best. Each time my son came to me hurt about something his grandmother said to him, I simply told him that he would need to get over it because that was his grandmother and there wasn't anything that I could do to change her. I allowed it, I enabled it, I didn't even see it happening. So if anyone has any advice, anything that they want to add, I am open to it all. I need your help.