Lourenco

TIME

Time is a funny thing. It goes fast, it goes slow, it stands still at times. But it is always moving at the same speed. It is us that feels time differently.

So more time has passed. I have now been in the new apartment for 20 days now. It is feeling more and more like home each day. The boys are settling in really well and dare I say it...they seem happy.

This past weekend was my first long 5 day stretch of not having CJ Friday through Tuesday. It was ok. I say ok but I think that it is actually better than ok. I kept myself busy and found some joy in being surrounded by people again. The overwhelming feeling of being supported, missed by some that I had isolated myself from like my old kickball team and just included again was great. The days went by so much faster than I thought they would. Like I said, I was busy. As people want to get together with me I automatically look at the time that I don't have CJ. That time has been filling up fast. Mondays and Tuesdays I work all day and so far I have had something with someone each and every time. The weekends are jammed pack full too. Right now it's keeping me sane and grounded. I am enjoying my new time to do what I want. ME. It's all about me now.

This is all new. Old but new. I have gone through this before but not like this. The surprise of this situation. My heart being ripped out of my chest. The speed in which this all happened. It's all so much.It's all so different.

Moving...I needed to rip off the band-aid. I didn't want to be stuck. I didn't want to be stupid. I needed to land on own two feet. The feeling of being stuck in that house with someone who does not want me is brutal. Seeing my husband every day but not being able to reach for him, hug him or kiss him was driving me mad. The memories in that house consumed me. Leaving the house was freedom. I can't tell you how many people are upset and confused that I chose to move. I know they don't understand but this is about me. It is about me healing. It is about me picking up the pieces of my life. This is about moving forward and not backwards.

Me..as everyone does when they go through a breakup, I am trying to figure out who I am. I never lost myself but I evolved. And now I have to look at how I have evolved and if there is anything that I want to change about that. I had already been on a path of losing weight and getting healthier. I called Christina and she is helping me get further along on that path. This is not about a revenge bod. Trust me, I am way too old for that crap. I was already down 18 pounds when this all happened. I just know that I need help with the physical side of getting in shape. And I need a push too. Aside from health and weight I don't really have any changes that come to mind.

Reinventing my travel plans...like I said, I never lost myself so many of my future plans are still my future plans. I just don't have my husband to do them with. I learning how to wrap my head around doing it alone, doing it with friends or family. It different to travel with others. Traveling with him was natural. It was uncomplicated. It was fun and exciting. Now I need to learn to reinvent my idea of traveling the 50 states.

Tiny house...this is the one thing that I will change. Everyone who know me, knows that I have always wanted to live in a tiny house. I had given up that idea with Jose. The compromise was the smallest house we could get that would fit everything we wanted to have fun, entertain and be happy. But even at that I could tell that we were not on the same page. So honestly, as long as I didn't have a big house to clean I was good. This was one of the main reasons we never bought a house. We just couldn't agree on what to buy. So here I am alone. Doing this alone. And I need to sit down and figure out what I really want and make it happen. The apartment I am in is wonderful...for now. I want what is mine though. I want something small. I want running water and sewer but I want tiny. I don't want portable or I will just get an RV, which is also a thought in my mind. It is another idea that I would never have thrown around with Jose but it's me now and I am make the choices that work for me. So it's time for me to figure out what I want.

Letting the past go...this is by far the hardest thing that I will have to overcome. 18 years of memories. But the worst part is that it's good memories. Isn't it sad that I call that the worst part. I say that it's the worst part because when people escape from bad memories they have a sense of relief. I didn't escape. I was pushed out. I was happy with my husband until the moment he told me he was done. Did we have problems? Of course we did ! What marriage doesn't have problems? But they were normal marriage problems that you work through. Marriage. The word means something to me. I am throwing it away now for the second time and I feel like somewhat of a fraud saying it but marriage is not to be taken lightly. To me...marriage means you commit to work through your problems together. Marriage means you keep on fighting. Marriage means you take every step necessary to get you back to where you need to be. After 13 years of being together we got married and apparently I did not know that we did not look at marriage the same way. He took everything away from me that allowed me to fight for our marriage. Done. Gone. Just one big wall. A choice he chose to make without me. He took our marriage from me. But the problem is that it's still here. It's still inside of me. I still love my husband even though he isn't in love with me. Letting go of my feelings for him is one of the hardest things and I have no idea how to even begin.

One last thought.

Settling In

The move went well. My villiage...my tribe came through. The girls started helping me clean at 7:30am and then helped me move all boxes and bags in their cars. Jose helped too even though I know it was extremely uncomfortable for him. The girls left and Jose and I got the moving truck and went to go get the sofa bed and dresser. Jose, Jared, Nathan and I moved all the furniture into the moving truck. And then Jared had plans with his girlfriend but Jose, Nathan and I finished the night. I know this is going to sound weird but I am so thankful to all of the help that Jose gave me. The emotions in me are just all over the place.

I had the kids this weekend. By kids of course I mean CJ, Nathan and Jared...lol. Jared has become a permanent fixture. Last weekend was Jose's weekend and Nathan and Jared decided to stay there with Jose until Monday. I got a lot done with all the boys gone. This weekend was more fine tuning. I am working on making our apartment a home. Nathan and Jared will do what they need in Nathan's room. I just need to get a few more under bed boxes for them to store stuff under the bed. CJ's room is almost done. I finally put his dresser together this weekend. I just have a few more things that I need for his room to be done. The living looks great. The only thing that I really need to do in there is put up stuff on the walls and paint...not necessarily in that order. The kitchen needs some decorating and the bathroom needs curtains. The dining room is a work in progress. I keep moving things around and I don't know what it will end up looking like once I am done. My bedroom is another work in progress. The sofa bed I bought is a big disaster. I couldn't sleep at all on the mattress it came with. I thought the additional futon mattress was going to help. It did for a week but this weekend it started to sink into the same spots as the mattress below it. So I have ordered a platform bedframe that is coming in on Friday.

Let's start with me... I don't usually start with me. I am usually the last one but I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. Since it's all me now, it's extra important. I am doing OK. I put OK in caps because I moving through life in the motions that I have to in order to get through life. The loneliness has not set in. I think that I have just been so busy getting everything in order and keeping everyone on track that I have not had time to feel lonely. I am numb. I don't want to feel. Sometimes I feel as though I have moved the family to a new house and I am just waiting for Jose to arrive. I still feel like this is one big nightmare. I don't feel as though this is real. I don't want this to be real.

CJ seems to be handling things well. I think it's too soon for me to say something like that but it's where we are at right now. Last weekend he saw both of us all weekend so I don't think any of it has really effected him. He was with me Wednesday through Sunday. Everything seems normal. He had an issue with his computer and Jose came over to help fix it on Sunday. Today and tomorrow he is with Jose and then back to me for Wednesday and Thursday and then he starts his string of days with Jose. He will be there Friday-Tuesday. I keep saying that at some point he is going to feel different but I am not so sure. I mean Jose and I are darn good parents. We want the same thing for CJ. I would like to think that we will do everything in our power to make sure that he continues to get love and attention from both of us. But I know that divorce can be a really ugly thing. People change. I hope that is not the case but I am aware and prepared.

Nathan was really effected when it happened but I think that he has settled into our new current situation. He seems to realize that he can keep his relationship with Jose. That was one of his biggest concerns after my heart being broken. Seeing my son curled up in a ball on my lap was one of the saddest moments with him. His heart was breaking for me.

Larissa is in protection mode. What do you need mom? How can I help mom? I can take care of you mom. It's a proud mom moment for me to see my kids rally for me. I wish it wasn't under these circumstances though.

Mason hasn't even realized anything yet. I think that he just thinks that we all moved. That is all he really needs to think right now.

So as I settle into my new norm, I have to stop and be thankful. We all have our health. I have a reliable car that gets to my great job that allows me to keep a roof over my head. My boss has been helpful in any way that he can and his wife is the most amazing person ever. The love and support that I have received from everyone is just overwhelming. I am truly blessed.

Chapter 45...page 35

So much time has passed and so much has happened.

April 16, 2019 was the beginning of the end of Chapter 44 in so many ways.

It was the first day after tax season ended. I left work at 5:00 and headed home excited about the new length in my nights now that I wasn't working late. Jose was asleep and I had a my therapy appointment. The night carried on pretty normal and then I went up to bed at around 9pm because although tax season was over, my body was still feeling the effects. A few minutes later I heard Jose's footsteps coming up the stairs. He sat down on the bed next to me and wanted to talk.

Let me preface this by saying that yes we had our issues as a married couple. We had not been spending much time together. When I was home I was exhausted. He had been trying to carry the load at home while I worked long hours. I am sure that I resented him for not being able to do what I do the same way and get things done. But none of these things were things that can't be worked on.

So the talk started with "I have been struggling with us lately"  and ended with "I am done. I am tired of trying. We always end up back in the same place and I don't want to do it again." And there was nothing in between the beginning and the end.

After I sat myself up and processed through my head that my husband had just told me that he was done with our marriage, I wanted answers. To my surprise not many answers followed. A blank face seemed to be staring at me, not the husband I had known for 18 years. He was done. He was ready to go spend the night at his mom's. He was ready to tell CJ. He was ready to walk away from something that I didn't even know he was struggling with.

Fast forward a little and this is what I have found out:

He is unhappy and has been unhappy for quite some time. After more digging discovered it was somewhere around two years ago that he started feeling this way. But he never shared the feelings with me. So he kept his feelings to himself and tried to deal with it on his own. He hoped he get through his feelings and never have to tell me that he had been struggling with us. As far as I am concerned, he gave up on our marriage as soon as he decided to deal with it on his own. A person cannot fix a marriage alone...it takes two. So his decision to deal with everything on his own lead to him resenting me. The resentment got out of control and then he went numb. Being numb allowed him to carry on in every day life like nothing was wrong until...he couldn't anymore. Apparently tax season got the worst of him and he couldn't wait for me to come home the day after to let me know.

The rug was pulled out from under me. I have always been the first one to say that you had to have seen something, felt something or noticed something. I didn't. He hid it well. He pretended well. He made me believe that we would spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about the next step of buying a house, we talked about retirement and vacations all within tax season and it never occurred to him to stop me in my tracks and tell me that he was clearly not planning the same thing. So my life as I knew it came to an unexpected hault on April 16, 2019.

Since then we have had to tell everyone in our lives. I have found a new place. I get my keys today and move in tomorrow. We have been living under the same roof since April 16th and it has taken every ounce of energy left in me to keep going. I have had to pack up my life (or at least my half of it) and go through all of our stuff. The memories have taken over my mind and the mental exhaustion has just beat me down. I have endured pain that I didn't ever think I would have to endure and I don't know how I am still standing.

I have a village. My village has held me up and kept me going. Everyone has read the Footprints in the Sand poem...that is me. I know that God has been carrying me through this difficult time because there is no way in hell I am doing it. He has made sure that I have a village here to take care of me. He is the reason I am still standing.

My Birthday 2019

Catching Up

I wish I had more time for this blog. That is such a silly statement. I mean, if I want to do it then I should just make time for it. Life is such a blur. Time seems to go so quickly and I wish to slow it all down. I need to slow it down.

I am a planner. I am always planning for next moment. That will never change. But the older I get the more I get it. I mean I really get it. I am learning to stop and make time for the things that really matter. And the thing is that things that really matter are different in different stages of my life.

At this stage in my life, I am enjoying each day. I have seen a lot of death lately. It reminds me that our days are not guarenteed, tomorrow is not promised. I have been trying to keep up with the people who mean the most to us which is probably going to kill me...lol. But we have also been busy trying new things with CJ. The seasons go by so quickly and I sit here thinking that there were things that I wanted to do but never made time for. So I started making time for them.

The last day of 2016 was full of fun. We went to Launch and then rollerskaing.

Then we started out 2017 with a last minute trip to Coco Keys where we had a blast.

February CJ tried track and loved it.

He did his first track meet and got first place in the 45m run and 2nd place in the 200m. I am so proud of him. We are so proud of him.

In March we took CJ to Monster Trucks.

And then we took CJ snowboarding for the first time at Yawgoo Valley.

He loved it so much that we made time to take him this month. They are there right now. I wish I could be there watching him but I threw out my back and I am stuck on this couch in pain instead. But I am filled with joy that he still gets to go and enjoy himself because Jose is there with him. I don't take Jose for granted. I am so very thankful.

See, the thing is that we have been in Johnston for almost two years now and CJ really doesn't have friends. At first it was just because he was new but more than enough time has passed and it has become a problem. I can count on my fingers the amount of times CJ has gone outside to play with kids. So we have decided to move back to Lincoln. It wasn't an easy decision. Sure I want to move back and we worried about CJ going back and things not being the same but we asked him. He wants to go back. I set up play dates for him with Cayden and Jaden and it's like no time has passed. The smile that has been gone from his face for almost two years is back.

And Lincoln is good for me too. I feel like I really belong there too. I miss the neighborhood, the kids coming in and out of the house. I miss the communication with the parents. I miss the fires at night. I miss the beers with neighbors. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I knew I was going back. The excitement is unreal to me.

And I can't possibly end this post without concluding why this year has been so wonderful already even though it's only the 4th month of the year.

In February Larissa got her GED. She did it. She struggled with it and it had its up and down but she got it. I am so proud of her. This was such a necessary and important step for her and her little family. AND...Nathan finished Job Corp with not just his high school but also his Culinary Certificate. Words cannot express my emotions. It has been such a long ride to this point. I never thought I would see this day. His graduation is May 7th. Seeing him walk up and receive his diploma is mind blowing to me. The fact that both of my children finished this year brings me so much joy.

So I have more plans for the rest of the year to spend more time enjoying myself. To spend more time watching my kids grow and change. To spend time watching my grandson grow. And spending time with my wonderful husband who is my rock. 2017 has been good to me. I hope that I have many more moments to write about.

This week has been a blessing

It's been an insanely busy week but it was filled with fun, family and friends. Last weekend was busy. It started with Friday 6/3 being my last day at RINCO. It was an emotional day for me. The end of one chapter of my life but the beginning to a new chapter. Saturday 6/4 started with breakfast and cards with Didi. This was such an overdue date. I miss our card dates. Then I had Cindy's bridal shower that day/night. It was a night filled with laughter and great fun. On Sunday 6/4, Jose and I did the Heart Walk downtown with his job Care NewEngland. Even with a little rain, we had a great walk and a lot of fun.

Then the work week started. Monday was my first day at my new job, Jonathan Ucran CPA. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions at work this week. I am not going to lie, I have been stressed. It is so hard coming from a job where you know everything to start at a new company where everything is new and unsure. I got this though !  Monday night we were lucky enough to have dinner with Lori  & Armand. We had a blast. CJ got to play with Tango and Jasmine and Jackson. Jose had way too much wine with Armand and of course, I got my Lori time. Tuesday was an extra long day at work. I worked until 7pm because the old bookeeper came to answer any questions that I had. Wednesday we ordered Chinese food and Jose's mom came over. Alex had his last marriage class so it was just us. Thursday we grabbed some fast food and then heading to Lincoln to hang out with old friends. I can't begin to describe my feelings when I saw CJ playing football in the street with Skip, Jay and Jacob. The cold weather stopped us from staying longer but we hope to do it again soon. Friday was our date night. I had been so excited to see Now You See Me 2 but it was a let down. It was still nice to spend time alone with Jose. We ended the night with dinner at Ruby Tuesday.

This weekend was even busier than last weekend. We took CJ to the Krazy Kids Inflatable Race. He had a blast. We even ran into Island and CJ did the second race with her kids and Koon's kids. We went home to rest for a little before heading to Tyrell's birthday party. Another great night with good friends and good food. Sunday we went to Lazicki's Bird House and Rescue to look at birds. What a great place. CJ had a blast and loved all of the birds. Sundays are almost always great because I get to see all three of my kids and Mason too.

So this rounds up my week. Now we are on to another week to see what this will bring.