Chapter 45...page 35

So much time has passed and so much has happened.

April 16, 2019 was the beginning of the end of Chapter 44 in so many ways.

It was the first day after tax season ended. I left work at 5:00 and headed home excited about the new length in my nights now that I wasn't working late. Jose was asleep and I had a my therapy appointment. The night carried on pretty normal and then I went up to bed at around 9pm because although tax season was over, my body was still feeling the effects. A few minutes later I heard Jose's footsteps coming up the stairs. He sat down on the bed next to me and wanted to talk.

Let me preface this by saying that yes we had our issues as a married couple. We had not been spending much time together. When I was home I was exhausted. He had been trying to carry the load at home while I worked long hours. I am sure that I resented him for not being able to do what I do the same way and get things done. But none of these things were things that can't be worked on.

So the talk started with "I have been struggling with us lately"  and ended with "I am done. I am tired of trying. We always end up back in the same place and I don't want to do it again." And there was nothing in between the beginning and the end.

After I sat myself up and processed through my head that my husband had just told me that he was done with our marriage, I wanted answers. To my surprise not many answers followed. A blank face seemed to be staring at me, not the husband I had known for 18 years. He was done. He was ready to go spend the night at his mom's. He was ready to tell CJ. He was ready to walk away from something that I didn't even know he was struggling with.

Fast forward a little and this is what I have found out:

He is unhappy and has been unhappy for quite some time. After more digging discovered it was somewhere around two years ago that he started feeling this way. But he never shared the feelings with me. So he kept his feelings to himself and tried to deal with it on his own. He hoped he get through his feelings and never have to tell me that he had been struggling with us. As far as I am concerned, he gave up on our marriage as soon as he decided to deal with it on his own. A person cannot fix a marriage alone...it takes two. So his decision to deal with everything on his own lead to him resenting me. The resentment got out of control and then he went numb. Being numb allowed him to carry on in every day life like nothing was wrong until...he couldn't anymore. Apparently tax season got the worst of him and he couldn't wait for me to come home the day after to let me know.

The rug was pulled out from under me. I have always been the first one to say that you had to have seen something, felt something or noticed something. I didn't. He hid it well. He pretended well. He made me believe that we would spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about the next step of buying a house, we talked about retirement and vacations all within tax season and it never occurred to him to stop me in my tracks and tell me that he was clearly not planning the same thing. So my life as I knew it came to an unexpected hault on April 16, 2019.

Since then we have had to tell everyone in our lives. I have found a new place. I get my keys today and move in tomorrow. We have been living under the same roof since April 16th and it has taken every ounce of energy left in me to keep going. I have had to pack up my life (or at least my half of it) and go through all of our stuff. The memories have taken over my mind and the mental exhaustion has just beat me down. I have endured pain that I didn't ever think I would have to endure and I don't know how I am still standing.

I have a village. My village has held me up and kept me going. Everyone has read the Footprints in the Sand poem...that is me. I know that God has been carrying me through this difficult time because there is no way in hell I am doing it. He has made sure that I have a village here to take care of me. He is the reason I am still standing.

My Birthday 2019

Catching Up

I wish I had more time for this blog. That is such a silly statement. I mean, if I want to do it then I should just make time for it. Life is such a blur. Time seems to go so quickly and I wish to slow it all down. I need to slow it down.

I am a planner. I am always planning for next moment. That will never change. But the older I get the more I get it. I mean I really get it. I am learning to stop and make time for the things that really matter. And the thing is that things that really matter are different in different stages of my life.

At this stage in my life, I am enjoying each day. I have seen a lot of death lately. It reminds me that our days are not guarenteed, tomorrow is not promised. I have been trying to keep up with the people who mean the most to us which is probably going to kill me...lol. But we have also been busy trying new things with CJ. The seasons go by so quickly and I sit here thinking that there were things that I wanted to do but never made time for. So I started making time for them.

The last day of 2016 was full of fun. We went to Launch and then rollerskaing.

Then we started out 2017 with a last minute trip to Coco Keys where we had a blast.

February CJ tried track and loved it.

He did his first track meet and got first place in the 45m run and 2nd place in the 200m. I am so proud of him. We are so proud of him.

In March we took CJ to Monster Trucks.

And then we took CJ snowboarding for the first time at Yawgoo Valley.

He loved it so much that we made time to take him this month. They are there right now. I wish I could be there watching him but I threw out my back and I am stuck on this couch in pain instead. But I am filled with joy that he still gets to go and enjoy himself because Jose is there with him. I don't take Jose for granted. I am so very thankful.

See, the thing is that we have been in Johnston for almost two years now and CJ really doesn't have friends. At first it was just because he was new but more than enough time has passed and it has become a problem. I can count on my fingers the amount of times CJ has gone outside to play with kids. So we have decided to move back to Lincoln. It wasn't an easy decision. Sure I want to move back and we worried about CJ going back and things not being the same but we asked him. He wants to go back. I set up play dates for him with Cayden and Jaden and it's like no time has passed. The smile that has been gone from his face for almost two years is back.

And Lincoln is good for me too. I feel like I really belong there too. I miss the neighborhood, the kids coming in and out of the house. I miss the communication with the parents. I miss the fires at night. I miss the beers with neighbors. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I knew I was going back. The excitement is unreal to me.

And I can't possibly end this post without concluding why this year has been so wonderful already even though it's only the 4th month of the year.

In February Larissa got her GED. She did it. She struggled with it and it had its up and down but she got it. I am so proud of her. This was such a necessary and important step for her and her little family. AND...Nathan finished Job Corp with not just his high school but also his Culinary Certificate. Words cannot express my emotions. It has been such a long ride to this point. I never thought I would see this day. His graduation is May 7th. Seeing him walk up and receive his diploma is mind blowing to me. The fact that both of my children finished this year brings me so much joy.

So I have more plans for the rest of the year to spend more time enjoying myself. To spend more time watching my kids grow and change. To spend time watching my grandson grow. And spending time with my wonderful husband who is my rock. 2017 has been good to me. I hope that I have many more moments to write about.

This week has been a blessing

It's been an insanely busy week but it was filled with fun, family and friends. Last weekend was busy. It started with Friday 6/3 being my last day at RINCO. It was an emotional day for me. The end of one chapter of my life but the beginning to a new chapter. Saturday 6/4 started with breakfast and cards with Didi. This was such an overdue date. I miss our card dates. Then I had Cindy's bridal shower that day/night. It was a night filled with laughter and great fun. On Sunday 6/4, Jose and I did the Heart Walk downtown with his job Care NewEngland. Even with a little rain, we had a great walk and a lot of fun.

Then the work week started. Monday was my first day at my new job, Jonathan Ucran CPA. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions at work this week. I am not going to lie, I have been stressed. It is so hard coming from a job where you know everything to start at a new company where everything is new and unsure. I got this though !  Monday night we were lucky enough to have dinner with Lori  & Armand. We had a blast. CJ got to play with Tango and Jasmine and Jackson. Jose had way too much wine with Armand and of course, I got my Lori time. Tuesday was an extra long day at work. I worked until 7pm because the old bookeeper came to answer any questions that I had. Wednesday we ordered Chinese food and Jose's mom came over. Alex had his last marriage class so it was just us. Thursday we grabbed some fast food and then heading to Lincoln to hang out with old friends. I can't begin to describe my feelings when I saw CJ playing football in the street with Skip, Jay and Jacob. The cold weather stopped us from staying longer but we hope to do it again soon. Friday was our date night. I had been so excited to see Now You See Me 2 but it was a let down. It was still nice to spend time alone with Jose. We ended the night with dinner at Ruby Tuesday.

This weekend was even busier than last weekend. We took CJ to the Krazy Kids Inflatable Race. He had a blast. We even ran into Island and CJ did the second race with her kids and Koon's kids. We went home to rest for a little before heading to Tyrell's birthday party. Another great night with good friends and good food. Sunday we went to Lazicki's Bird House and Rescue to look at birds. What a great place. CJ had a blast and loved all of the birds. Sundays are almost always great because I get to see all three of my kids and Mason too.

So this rounds up my week. Now we are on to another week to see what this will bring.

Thoughts

These are just a few of the feelings that I have been feeling lately....

Spiritual Food

Yesterday I had my first private bible study. That is what I call it. Fridays were starting to get really hectic. Trying to make it in time was stressing me out. Not being able to make it made me even more stressed. I need this to find my spiritual self and yet I wasn’t.

 

So after much back and forth with Diane, we finally decided on Monday nights. Last night was my first night. As I showed up at the door, I had butterflies in my stomach. Why in the world did I have butterflies in my stomach. I am not quite sure but I was anxious to get started.

 

It was a little weird at first. I mean I have gone to three other meetings there at Ray and Diane’s house but it was always a bible study group. There were other people there and hearing other thoughts and questions opened up my mind. Here I was alone. The attention was on me. What did I want to learn about? What questions did I have for them? That is the problem. I am not even sure I know what the questions are that I am looking for answers to.

 

So Diane jumped right in to Ephesians, a book I am not even sure that I knew existed. Don’t judge me. The whole reason I am studying the bible to is learn. One of my favorite things about studying the bible with Diane and Ray is that they are not afraid of any questions. They don’t answer questions with fluff. They don’t fill your head with bible quotes that are out of context. We look at the whole context. We talk about how it’s fitting and what I think. It’s an interactive process and that couldn’t be any better for someone like me.

 

Then we went to the beginning. Genesis… and it starts with “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth”. Ray pointed out that it wasn’t the beginning. God has no beginning and no end. The angels were already with God. It was not the beginning. It was the beginning of the physical world. “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.” We talked about the world having darkness and God said “let there be light” but it’s not the moon or the sun because God had not created them yet. It was talking about the darkness that the earth was filled with because Lucifer and 1/3 of the angels fell from heaven. Lucifer wanted to be just like God. He wanted to be a God. There is only one God. So Lucifer fell out of heaven. God did not throw him out. His choices made him fall. I had never heard it referred to that way. So Lucifer made the earth dark. And then we briefly talked about the earth being covered with water and how that was the 1^st flood that many don’t know about…I will have to learn so much more about that. I mean listen to me….I am in Genesis. I am at the beginning and in three sentences I have learned more than I ever knew. I had read those lines so many times and each time I went through it quickly to next part. I mean who doesn’t know the story of creation. Apparently I don’t.

 

Almost two and a half hours later Diane started wrapping it up. I had no idea that much time had passed. I couldn’t believe that we had spent that much time talking and reading. I feel like I have so much to learn. I DO have so much to learn. I was happy to take each and every bit of information that Diane and Ray were willing to help me understand. I can’t wait for next week. I love this journey that I am on.

Being Thankful

I have so much to be thankful for. Last week was a blur. I mean I had something every night of the week. Monday, I had to take the boys to their physicals and then Nathan to his psychiatry appointment. Tuesday, we had Liz and Felix over for dinner. Wednesday, I was supposed to go to CJ’s school PTO meeting and then dinner with Alex. The meeting got canceled and we all went roller skating instead and had a blast. Thursday, I went to Didi’s to play cards, she did my hair and I ended up leaving earlier to get Nathan from Job Corp early since there was a storm coming. Friday was a snow day for everyone but me. The boys stayed home and I went to work but when I got home, I helped Jose shovel then did some snow tubing in our yard with CJ and then Jose ordered Chinese food for us for dinner. Although my week was crazy busy, I had so much fun. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I slowed down and was thankful for each day and what it brought.

 

The craziness has not slowed down. Saturday morning I worked and then did laundry, did grocery shopping and cleaned a bit before enjoying some much needed time with the family. Sunday was Superbowl Sunday and Tracy and Eric came over for dinner. I tried my hand at Galinha A Jardineira and it came out pretty good. I will need to tweek it for next time.

 

This week has been a bit different. I had things all week just like last week but the snow has changed my plans. I had plans to meet Amy for dinner on Monday and it got canceled. I went home to have dinner and cuddle on the couch. Today we were having a Valentine’s dinner with Lori and Armand and it got canceled partially because of what they have going on and partially because of this weather. Tomorrow Alex is coming over for dinner and the PTO meeting has been reschedule for tomorrow. I am not sure yet if I will be attending or not since it’s short notice. Thursday Jose goes to play Rock Band so I get some down time and Friday I am hoping to make it to bible study. I didn’t get to go last week and I feel like I real need it. I am excited about going.