Finding My Way Back...

I am having a hard time. I have been sent in several different directions and I am having a hard time finding my way back to me.

I have to find a way to get myself back. I can feel myself disappearing...not literally, although that would be nice too...lol. I just don't know what is going on. I feel like I am going through the motions but this is not my life.

I am usually so motivated and straight forward. I want something, I go after it and I get it. Things like that make me happy. Being creative makes me happy. Being with my family makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. But nothing has been doing that for me lately. I am aware of it. I know that I have to change. I know that I have to get a grip on my life and get it back. I know that only I can make me happy!

I have put the blame on the move for a while. The move that I promised myself I did knowing what I was getting into. I did and I do. But I miss NC. I miss is way more than I ever imagined that I would. Of course, it doesn't help that our house here is far from "home". Which brings me to excuse #2. Maybe once we find a home here that really is home that it will feel like "home" to me. But who am I really kidding. I know that home is where you make it. I know that in order for me to feel like I am home that I need to make it home. The bigger question is, can I do that?

I have been feeling bummed. I have been down. I need to pick myself up and start over again. No more excuses. Only steps forward.

Here I go !

I am NOT ok

I am NOT ok.

So much has happened in my life in the past five years. With each blow to my life, I deal with it the best way that I know how and simply tell everyone. “I am ok.”

I am NOT ok.

I am NOT ok with how my mother treated my kids.

I am NOT ok that I don’t have a relationship with my mother and she is gone out of my life.

I am NOT ok that my mother in law has cancer and there is always a chance of losing her too.

I am NOT ok that my daughter decides to “speak her mind” and tell me that the one man that has been there for her consistently for the past 10 years, she doesn’t like because he cares enough to discipline her.

I am NOT ok with Jose telling me that he was never happy in NC and we are most likely not going back. Who am I fooling. I know we aren’t.

I am NOT ok with my daughter and my son failing school. They just don’t understand how important it is.

I am NOT ok with my daughter lying to me, doing things behind my back and having a complete disregard for my rules and herself.

I am NOT ok with Jose not knowing how much more he can handle.

I am NOT ok.

Happy Birthday Pa

I have not been on here for a while. I seem to have gotten lost in everyday life. First it was one thing, then it was another and now it’s just me.

Today is my godfather’s birthday. Some years it hits me like a ton of bricks and others I am ok with it all. My godfather passed when I was 16. You would think that 22 years later, I would be ok but I am not this year. I am pretty sure that it’s everything rolled into this bundle of depression that I feel. I am usually a pretty optimistic person. It’s not even that I am not optimistic because I still am but things are really lingering on me right now. I miss my godfather more than words could express. I wonder what my life would be like if he was still here with me. I would love for my kids to have known him. I know that he is a better place and that he is free from all the pain and suffering that he endured his last months here on earth. My tears are out of pure selfishness. I wish he was here with me. I know he is happy dancing in heaven with my godmother. I know that I will see them both again someday.

Although my godfather passed when I was just 16, he lives in me each and every day. He and my godmother are the MOST influential people in my life. Their family values, their unconditional love, their marriage, their godchildren…it is all what I base my life on. I strive to be as wonderful as they were. Not that they didn’t have problems, everyone has problems but even how they dealt with their problems is to be commended. I am who I am because of them both.

Being back in RI has allowed me to visit the cemetery whenever I want, which has turned out to be a lot. I sneak over there as often as I can. For some reason, it feels like I am with them when I am there. That must sound weird to some of you. I have taken a beach towel and just sat there talking…loudly. I sometimes wonder if there are cameras and if people sit laughing at this crazy girl talking to herself. I cry, I laugh, I tell them about my life and how much I miss them.

Visiting the graves is bittersweet to me because the next grave over is my godmother’s sister and her husband who I grew up with as my aunt and uncle. It was my Uncle Jim that gave me away at my wedding to Larissa and Nathan’s father. They were always there for me and my mother and then one day my mother got into a fight with them and they stopped existing to us. As I got older, I tried to go there and continue the relationships we once had but they were so angry at my mother that I became an outcast too. I will never really know why they would not welcome me back but the pain will always be there.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was able to spend the morning and early afternoon with my best friend’s family celebrating Nori Rain’s 6th birthday. My little sis’ little girl. They are my family. Pretty much my only family left. Then I went to the cemetery to visit my godparents. It got me thinking about family and all that has happened with my mother this year. How it has affected my relationship with my brother and sister. How there are times when I really feel alone. Like my family in Portugal has forgotten all about me. And then I went home and my aunt called me. I picked up the phone in tears. She was just calling to check on me. It was just what I needed. My aunt made me feel better. Although that is just what I needed, I have not fully bounced back from the feeling. This feeling of emptiness. I feel like my world is a little right side up.

But today is not about me. It’s about the most amazing godfather, grandfather and father that I have had. He was all three to me. He is my shining star. You are in my thoughts today and always. I love you Pa. I hope that you are having an amazing celebration with the love of your life. You deserve infinite happiness.

Larissa Has Made A Decision

Larissa has made a decision. We had another nice talk at the airport last night. Turns out that she has made some decisions already that I was not aware of. She definitely wants to go back to NC when she turns 18. Not sure if she will feel the same way after this trip.

Why you might ask? Well, as I stated in my post yesterday, I don’t think you can always go back to things the way that they were because life is never the same. People’s lives change. When you are in high school, your whole world revolves around your friends but then people get lives. People get jobs, they get married, they have babies and they no longer have the same time available that they once did. I am not saying that this will happen but it could.

Now back to the fact that she wants to move back when she turns 18. I am ok with it. I am really ok with it. This might be what she needs to spread her wings and fly. On the other hand, this may be what she needs to fall and learn how to get back up. No matter what comes of this choice she had made, it’s her choice and I respect that. I moved out of my mother’s house when I was 18 and I made it. We are two different people and I am sure that she will head down a different road than I did but that is part of growing up. I can’t protect her from getting hurt. It is getting hurt that makes you stronger. I actually think that this is the best choice for her. She needs to grow on her own.

She did tell me that her short term plans are to graduate in June 2012, work here to save up money until she is 18, move to NC and stay with Nina (she says that she has checked with Nina’s mom) until her and Nina can save up for a place of their own. I believe it can happen…if she wants it bad enough. I am also pretty sure that she has not thought the whole thing through but I can honestly say that I had not thought the whole thing through when I moved out of my mother’s either. It’s something that you learn as you go along. She will be paying for her cell phone bill and she has to find a way back and forth to work. If that is by way of a car then she needs to pay for insurance and if it’s by way of bus then she needs to budget for that. I will be sure to try to help her plan for all this before she goes.

It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t even feel real that she is turning 18, never mind moving away from me. I knew this day would come though and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. It is bitter sweet. I finally feel like she is growing up and that makes me proud but I am going to miss her being with me every day. I have to stop thinking about this now or I will end up tearing up.

Larissa's Trip

Larissa is leaving for NC tonight. She will be back first thing on Sunday morning. She gets to go for 5 days of her 10 days that she could have gone.

She is super excited and I am sort of excited for her too. She has been working extra hard since our last talk. She has brought up all her grades and is proud of her efforts which means more to me than the actual grades. We even talked about her future.

She has a plan! Did you hear the angels in Heaven sing praises...lol. Seriously. I was floored. Her plan is to graduate June 2012 and then move onto a 2 year community college. Depending on her actions though, she might not go right into the community college. She has not decided yet if she wants to go back to NC to live or not. If she goes then she will have to work for a year before enrolling in a community college and getting in state rates. If she is staying then she can enroll here right away but once her classes are paid for, she can't change her mind about going until the semester is over. We had a nice talk and that is all that I can ask for.

I think that this trip will be an eye opener for her. You all know what I am talking about. You think that everyone is going to stop what they are doing to come see you and that is not how it really happens. You have your really great friends that will do that and then everyone else is just too busy to fit you into their busy schedule.

I hope she has a great time though and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Working Hard for What You Want

I was sitting with my daughter last night talking about how if you want something in life, you have to work for it. Seriously, she is 17 years old. She will be 18 this year and she simply does not realize that !

Everything has always just happened for her. She is a good kid but the least motivated I have ever seen. Ok, maybe not the least but pretty darn close. She does as little as possible all the time and then tries to make up for it last minute and has always managed to get by, by the skin of her teeth. This has created a monster in her that she doesn’t see. It has given her this feeling of invincibility that she should have already shaken as a child.

The conversation started out simple enough. I told her that she knew going into this year what it was going to mean. You either put your nose to the grindstone and do what you need to do to graduate or you don’t graduate. There is very little wiggle room for her at all. Somehow, that was not enough for her to do it. She bombed first quarter. I mean bombed with a capital “U” which if you don’t know, that is any grade below a 32. I tried explaining to her then that this was going to make it even harder for her to graduate and she needed to step up. Second quarter report cards came and a wave of emotions went through me. Just me. Because somehow these grades don’t seem to affect her.

Here’s the deal. She did bring up all her grades but Algebra. I have to be proud of that, second quarter grades seemed pretty good. I have agreed to let her go to NC for February vacation but not for the amount of time we discussed. She was pissed. Here was my simple explanation : You gave me some of what I wanted and I am giving you some of what you wanted. She did bring her grades up but because of her low grades first quarter, she is still failing most of her classes. And from my standpoint, as her mother, I see the big picture. She did work on her stuff but not in the way that an almost adult should be working on her grades knowing that her graduation is hanging on thread. She has no motivation, no drive. She needed to work much harder and she knew that. She didn’t work to her potential and then come short. She just did what she needed to do once again just to get by. I saw that in her daily work. I expected more from her and made that clear to her going into second quarter. She did not step it up like she should have and I am not going to step it up either.

I saw that I wasn’t really getting through to her, I really shouldn’t be surprised but I was. I decided to try to change up how I was explaining things to her. She had told me the week before that one of her friends just found out that he was accepted to the college that was his first choice. I told her that is an amazing feeling to get something that you really wanted and worked hard for. She took that the wrong way and just blurted out “you know that college is not an option for me so that is not fair.” What crossed my mind instantly but didn’t come out of my mouth was “that is not my problem, that is not an option because you chose to let it happen” but I didn’t say that. Instead I explained to her that I meant the comment “generally” and I do. I mean that to apply to all aspects of her life. I explained that I just want her to want something, work for it and feel what it feels like to get it. I told her that if graduation is something she wants (and she says that is something she really wants) then she needs to do whatever it takes to get there and feel the proudness of walking that stage at the end of the year. I told her that I want it more for her than for me. If she stays back, all the means for me is that she has to go to high school one more year. It really is not going to change my life but it will change her life.

We discussed how that same motivation applies to finding a job, especially in this economy. I told her that she isn’t doing enough, she needs to call, she needs to let potential employers know that she is serious about getting a job. If she isn’t willing to do all that then she doesn’t really want a job. I was clear in explaining to her that I never thought she would be at this point in her life like this. She is such a smart girl but she just doesn’t care enough about the right things. I want her to have a job and get her own money and go to the store to buy things without having to ask anyone for money. I want her to know what it feels like to have your own money to spend on what you want because you earned it. I want her to feel accomplishment. But she just isn’t willing to work hard enough to get it and that disappoints me beyond words.

She needs to stop being handed things. Maybe I am an enabling her to a point too, at least Jose thinks so. She did improve and I want her to know that I noticed so that she will continue to improve but I want her to know that it is not enough. I want more. The more you give me, the more I give you. I want to see her grow into a responsible and motivated young lady and I am scared that I have not been able to guide her enough to get her there. Where have I gone wrong?

It's Official

I had such a great time at the Simply Said Designs Training this past weekend. I was bummed that I had to wait for my tax money to order the kit but now it's official. I went on this morning and ordered my kit. I am officially a Simply said Designs consultant. As soon as my kit comes in then I can start having parties. I need to think about my Launch party too.

Not having my kit certainly did not stopped me from starting to think about my parties though. I actually worked on my booking ideas this weekend. The training gave us a lot to think about and the ladies all had some great ideas. I decided on my booking idea and decided to run with it.

I have decided to do themes since that is what I really enjoy doing. I did my cards up and here are the ones that I think would be the biggest hits:

A Dessert Party with what else but all kinds of dessert.

A Mexican Party with tacos or nachos.

A Pizza Party with what else...pizza!

A Beach Party with coconut drinks and picnic food.

A Wine & Cheese Party...self explanitory and I think that this might be the most popular.

And A St Patrick's Day Party...I still have to think about this one a little bit more.

The St Patrick's Day party stands for the Holiday party that will be switched as the holidays change. If I see that there is little interest with some then they will come out and maybe different ones will go in. It's all about having fun. The more fun people have, the more they will want to have parties. Right?!

My goal is to have several food and drink ideas on the back of the cards to help the hostess out. I want to take the hassle out of having the party.

Wish me luck !