Things with my mother have officially taken a turn for the worst again. Ok, so they have been there for longer than I care to admit. Last night and tonight just happen to be the icing on the cake that is just making me have a panic attack and causing my asthma to flair up...big time.
Those of you who have known me for a really long time know the history of my mother and I. You know the pain, the trials and the attempts to salvage our relationship. I have realized this morning that there is no salvage to our relationship. I should have realized this years ago but "becasue she is my mother", I have always had hopes that we could work through our problems and have a normal mother/daughter relationship. The reality has finally set in that just isnt' possible and now I have to deal with it.
Another realization that I discovered recently is that Larissa is at the age that my sister was when my mother left her in Portugal with my brother. I am 35 years old and I now have three children of my own, very close in age to what my mother had at that time. If there was ever any reason that I would need to run away with CJ permenantly because of safety reasons, I would NEVER leave Nathan and Larissa behind. I am a big believer in not judging someone else's actions but in this particular situation, I do know all the angles and reasons behind it and I feel as though I have a right to feel something about this. I personally have always felt that I had a kind of reverse grudge for her, my mother, having abandoned my brother and my sister. It always blew my mind as to why my brother and my sister didn't have that same grudge. Of course, they don't have any idea about the effects of her decision on me and likewise, I am sure that I am not aware of theirs. It is not something that we have ever spoken about. Maybe for healing purposes, I should initiate that conversation sometime. That is another story all together though. Back to my children. Larissa is 15 ! She is no position to even understand what mom leaving and not coming back would mean. There would be no way in HELL ! I have realized that my pain has turned to confusion and bitterness through the years. Those are feelings that I want to feel but it is what is there.
Only those that have witnessed my mother's actions truly know what I have gone through and continue to go through. And it is those individuals that might begin to understand my pain. My relationship with my mother has always been bitter sweet. She is my mother, of course I love her. I make decisions all the time not to hurt my mother and as a result, I am hurting my children and my family. No, not physically but mentally. The kind of damage that never really goes away. Once again I am faced with the decision to speak to her...lol. You all know that there is no speaking to my mother but none the less, I still have to take that step. For my own sanity and my childrens, I have to wait til the holidays pass, if it can wait. The tension in the house can be cut with a knife and sparks fly at the drop of a hat....literally. I am not sure that the situation can hold itself until then but I have to at least try. I have allowed her to continue to do and say things "because she is my mother". She has has taken advantage of my feelings for her. I keep wanting to fix the problem but now I know that it can't be fixed. She refuses to even admit that she is doing anything wrong. All the wrong she has done can not be undone. All I can do is learn from my mistake and ensure that I don't allow it to happen anymore. The problem is that I know the outcome of all this and I have to be ready to deal with that as well.
Once again, I call on my friends for prayers to help me get through this. Only God really knows what I am going through but some strong shoulders and listening ears sometimes make a world of a difference !
Even in the bible it states that children must leave their families to start their own. For some reason, I have never been able to do that. That has been my flaw.
