Today my little girl would have been 16. I will never know what she would have looked like or what she would be like but I do know that she is looking down on me and her siblings and smiling. I will never forget her and I will never allow my children to forget that they have a sister who is an angel.
Happy Birthday and Rest In Peace. We love you and miss you !
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday
Hey Everyone. Today is Tuesday. Last night we took pics for our Christmas cards finally. Hopefully I can get them done and out tomorrow or the next day the latest so that you can all get them in time for xmas. What a hassle it was to keep everyone still and smiling. But the overall outcome was really great. I love the way the pics came out and can't wait to share them with everybody.
Tonight Nathan has boy scouts. It is their Chrsitmas party combined with thier ceremony to give badges too. I wish that I remembered the name of that but unfortunately I don't quite have the terminology down yet. Nathan will be getting his first boy scout badge tonight. He is super excited and we will be sure to take pics so you will all have that to look forward to.
I called Larissa to make sure that the battery for the camera is on the charger for tonight and she informed me that my mother is decorating the outside of the house. So maybe I will have some pics of that too, who knows.
I actually downloaded all the pics from my camera yesterday when we did our Christmas pics so I will be able to share them with you all once I get them in some kind of order so that you know what you are looking at. I don't even remember what was there but I am sure you will enjoy them, regardless of what they are.
Hope everyone has a great night, I know we will. Talk soon !
Tonight Nathan has boy scouts. It is their Chrsitmas party combined with thier ceremony to give badges too. I wish that I remembered the name of that but unfortunately I don't quite have the terminology down yet. Nathan will be getting his first boy scout badge tonight. He is super excited and we will be sure to take pics so you will all have that to look forward to.
I called Larissa to make sure that the battery for the camera is on the charger for tonight and she informed me that my mother is decorating the outside of the house. So maybe I will have some pics of that too, who knows.
I actually downloaded all the pics from my camera yesterday when we did our Christmas pics so I will be able to share them with you all once I get them in some kind of order so that you know what you are looking at. I don't even remember what was there but I am sure you will enjoy them, regardless of what they are.
Hope everyone has a great night, I know we will. Talk soon !
Monday, December 7, 2009
This Weekend
This was a pretty great weekend. Larissa spent the weekend with her best friend and her family in the mountains. Jose and I took the boys with us to Karen's for Penny Poker. We had such a blast. We didn't go home until about 1am, I think...lol.
Saturday was Jose's company Christmas Party. It was alright I guess. It was free ! The food was great and it was all you can eat and it was open bar. What more could you ask for? We watched as some very important people made fools of themselves and that was pretty much it.
Sunday my plans got cancelled so we ended up being able to go to the lighting of the tree in our community. It is wonderful. They lined all the streets of the community with candles. They had free pics with Santa then they got to go outside and have snowball fights with the man made snow they had out on the lawn. The kids had a blast. Then they went inside for free hot chocolate and cookies. God I love the south ! I will be posting pics on facebook and snapfish soon because I think that I got some great ones of the boys.
Talk to you all tomorrow !
Saturday was Jose's company Christmas Party. It was alright I guess. It was free ! The food was great and it was all you can eat and it was open bar. What more could you ask for? We watched as some very important people made fools of themselves and that was pretty much it.
Sunday my plans got cancelled so we ended up being able to go to the lighting of the tree in our community. It is wonderful. They lined all the streets of the community with candles. They had free pics with Santa then they got to go outside and have snowball fights with the man made snow they had out on the lawn. The kids had a blast. Then they went inside for free hot chocolate and cookies. God I love the south ! I will be posting pics on facebook and snapfish soon because I think that I got some great ones of the boys.
Talk to you all tomorrow !
Friday, December 4, 2009
Because She is My Mother !
Things with my mother have officially taken a turn for the worst again. Ok, so they have been there for longer than I care to admit. Last night and tonight just happen to be the icing on the cake that is just making me have a panic attack and causing my asthma to flair up...big time.
Those of you who have known me for a really long time know the history of my mother and I. You know the pain, the trials and the attempts to salvage our relationship. I have realized this morning that there is no salvage to our relationship. I should have realized this years ago but "becasue she is my mother", I have always had hopes that we could work through our problems and have a normal mother/daughter relationship. The reality has finally set in that just isnt' possible and now I have to deal with it.
Another realization that I discovered recently is that Larissa is at the age that my sister was when my mother left her in Portugal with my brother. I am 35 years old and I now have three children of my own, very close in age to what my mother had at that time. If there was ever any reason that I would need to run away with CJ permenantly because of safety reasons, I would NEVER leave Nathan and Larissa behind. I am a big believer in not judging someone else's actions but in this particular situation, I do know all the angles and reasons behind it and I feel as though I have a right to feel something about this. I personally have always felt that I had a kind of reverse grudge for her, my mother, having abandoned my brother and my sister. It always blew my mind as to why my brother and my sister didn't have that same grudge. Of course, they don't have any idea about the effects of her decision on me and likewise, I am sure that I am not aware of theirs. It is not something that we have ever spoken about. Maybe for healing purposes, I should initiate that conversation sometime. That is another story all together though. Back to my children. Larissa is 15 ! She is no position to even understand what mom leaving and not coming back would mean. There would be no way in HELL ! I have realized that my pain has turned to confusion and bitterness through the years. Those are feelings that I want to feel but it is what is there.
Only those that have witnessed my mother's actions truly know what I have gone through and continue to go through. And it is those individuals that might begin to understand my pain. My relationship with my mother has always been bitter sweet. She is my mother, of course I love her. I make decisions all the time not to hurt my mother and as a result, I am hurting my children and my family. No, not physically but mentally. The kind of damage that never really goes away. Once again I am faced with the decision to speak to her...lol. You all know that there is no speaking to my mother but none the less, I still have to take that step. For my own sanity and my childrens, I have to wait til the holidays pass, if it can wait. The tension in the house can be cut with a knife and sparks fly at the drop of a hat....literally. I am not sure that the situation can hold itself until then but I have to at least try. I have allowed her to continue to do and say things "because she is my mother". She has has taken advantage of my feelings for her. I keep wanting to fix the problem but now I know that it can't be fixed. She refuses to even admit that she is doing anything wrong. All the wrong she has done can not be undone. All I can do is learn from my mistake and ensure that I don't allow it to happen anymore. The problem is that I know the outcome of all this and I have to be ready to deal with that as well.
Once again, I call on my friends for prayers to help me get through this. Only God really knows what I am going through but some strong shoulders and listening ears sometimes make a world of a difference !
Even in the bible it states that children must leave their families to start their own. For some reason, I have never been able to do that. That has been my flaw.
Those of you who have known me for a really long time know the history of my mother and I. You know the pain, the trials and the attempts to salvage our relationship. I have realized this morning that there is no salvage to our relationship. I should have realized this years ago but "becasue she is my mother", I have always had hopes that we could work through our problems and have a normal mother/daughter relationship. The reality has finally set in that just isnt' possible and now I have to deal with it.
Another realization that I discovered recently is that Larissa is at the age that my sister was when my mother left her in Portugal with my brother. I am 35 years old and I now have three children of my own, very close in age to what my mother had at that time. If there was ever any reason that I would need to run away with CJ permenantly because of safety reasons, I would NEVER leave Nathan and Larissa behind. I am a big believer in not judging someone else's actions but in this particular situation, I do know all the angles and reasons behind it and I feel as though I have a right to feel something about this. I personally have always felt that I had a kind of reverse grudge for her, my mother, having abandoned my brother and my sister. It always blew my mind as to why my brother and my sister didn't have that same grudge. Of course, they don't have any idea about the effects of her decision on me and likewise, I am sure that I am not aware of theirs. It is not something that we have ever spoken about. Maybe for healing purposes, I should initiate that conversation sometime. That is another story all together though. Back to my children. Larissa is 15 ! She is no position to even understand what mom leaving and not coming back would mean. There would be no way in HELL ! I have realized that my pain has turned to confusion and bitterness through the years. Those are feelings that I want to feel but it is what is there.
Only those that have witnessed my mother's actions truly know what I have gone through and continue to go through. And it is those individuals that might begin to understand my pain. My relationship with my mother has always been bitter sweet. She is my mother, of course I love her. I make decisions all the time not to hurt my mother and as a result, I am hurting my children and my family. No, not physically but mentally. The kind of damage that never really goes away. Once again I am faced with the decision to speak to her...lol. You all know that there is no speaking to my mother but none the less, I still have to take that step. For my own sanity and my childrens, I have to wait til the holidays pass, if it can wait. The tension in the house can be cut with a knife and sparks fly at the drop of a hat....literally. I am not sure that the situation can hold itself until then but I have to at least try. I have allowed her to continue to do and say things "because she is my mother". She has has taken advantage of my feelings for her. I keep wanting to fix the problem but now I know that it can't be fixed. She refuses to even admit that she is doing anything wrong. All the wrong she has done can not be undone. All I can do is learn from my mistake and ensure that I don't allow it to happen anymore. The problem is that I know the outcome of all this and I have to be ready to deal with that as well.
Once again, I call on my friends for prayers to help me get through this. Only God really knows what I am going through but some strong shoulders and listening ears sometimes make a world of a difference !
Even in the bible it states that children must leave their families to start their own. For some reason, I have never been able to do that. That has been my flaw.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Happy Hump Day
I am trying hard to get back into the swing of blogging. So I am back on here today. I don't have a topic planned out for today so I will just fill you in on little things.
Nathan is loving boy scouts. He is taking his test for his first badge next Tuesday and if all goes well then he will be getting his first badge on the 15th. I am trying not to get him to hyped up about it because he has very little time to prepare but he is determined.
Larissa has been "forcefully" keeping up with her school work with my help but at least she is trying. All of her grades have been brought up and she has kept them there. I guess that little incentives really help and so do punishments. I just have to keep the energy up to keep up with it all.
CJ is talking like he never had a problem. Still waiting to hear back from speach to see if they will continue with him or not. He is just learning so much and getting into way too much. He picks things up so quickly and he is just a spitfire. He asked Santa for a black spiderman. Ever since he saw Spiderman III, he has been obsessed with it. He even wanted me to take back the spiderman costume he wore for Halloween and get him Black Spiderman. I managed to distract him and just get him to wear it. So I will be on the hunt for something with him for Christmas.
I am still much in the holiday spirit. I have the music stuck in my head, my tree up, presents bought, cards getting ready to send out and I can't wait to bake cookies. I feel like this is a very special year and I honestly don't know why. As I mentioned before, I think that Jose and I have two very special angels making sure that we remember what Christmas is really all about. God only knows how much we are going to miss them but we know that they are looking down upon us. So I hope that y'all are having a great time this holiday season and that you have the Christmas spirit in you as well.
Remember:
Only put off for tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. -Pablo Picasso
Nathan is loving boy scouts. He is taking his test for his first badge next Tuesday and if all goes well then he will be getting his first badge on the 15th. I am trying not to get him to hyped up about it because he has very little time to prepare but he is determined.
Larissa has been "forcefully" keeping up with her school work with my help but at least she is trying. All of her grades have been brought up and she has kept them there. I guess that little incentives really help and so do punishments. I just have to keep the energy up to keep up with it all.
CJ is talking like he never had a problem. Still waiting to hear back from speach to see if they will continue with him or not. He is just learning so much and getting into way too much. He picks things up so quickly and he is just a spitfire. He asked Santa for a black spiderman. Ever since he saw Spiderman III, he has been obsessed with it. He even wanted me to take back the spiderman costume he wore for Halloween and get him Black Spiderman. I managed to distract him and just get him to wear it. So I will be on the hunt for something with him for Christmas.
I am still much in the holiday spirit. I have the music stuck in my head, my tree up, presents bought, cards getting ready to send out and I can't wait to bake cookies. I feel like this is a very special year and I honestly don't know why. As I mentioned before, I think that Jose and I have two very special angels making sure that we remember what Christmas is really all about. God only knows how much we are going to miss them but we know that they are looking down upon us. So I hope that y'all are having a great time this holiday season and that you have the Christmas spirit in you as well.
Remember:
Only put off for tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. -Pablo Picasso
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Holidays
I just wanted to stop in here and say hello once again. I feel like I go through periods of neglecting my writing but what can I do...life sometimes takes more time than planned. :o)
Thanksgiving has passed. I am so thankful for all the people that joined us for that wonderful day. It was such a great time. It came and went and I can honestly say that I was able to enjoy it. I actually don't think that I have many (if any) pictures from that day because I was busy enjoying it with everyone. Don't y'all pass out on me now, it does happen. It doesn't happen often but there are times when I don't take pictures...lol.
Christmas is just around the corner. My tree is up and the house is somewhat decorated. I have come down with this awful cold so it is kind of holding me down but I am determined to keep going. This is my favorite time of year. I am missing all of my family and friends back in RI. This season always makes us think of the ones we can't be with. Jose and I have both lost such precious people to us this year (Jose grandmother and my godmother) that it will make the holidays a little more sentimental than usual. I am looking for two very special angel ornaments to place on our tree in memory of them. We both carry such wonderful memories with them and I know that is how they would both want to be remembered.
New Years will follow shortly after and y'all know what that means, right?! It means that it is time to revisit my to-do list for 2009 and put up my to-do list for 2010. I know that there are things that I was not able to do for 2009 but I did get through most of my list and I have tried to stay on track. I hope that everyone has their own list to go through. A new year means anything can happen but you have to make it happen !
So that is it for now. I just wanted to tell you all that I am thinking of you even though I might not send out an email or pick up the phone. You are all in my heart and never too far from my thoughts.
Love you all !
Thanksgiving has passed. I am so thankful for all the people that joined us for that wonderful day. It was such a great time. It came and went and I can honestly say that I was able to enjoy it. I actually don't think that I have many (if any) pictures from that day because I was busy enjoying it with everyone. Don't y'all pass out on me now, it does happen. It doesn't happen often but there are times when I don't take pictures...lol.
Christmas is just around the corner. My tree is up and the house is somewhat decorated. I have come down with this awful cold so it is kind of holding me down but I am determined to keep going. This is my favorite time of year. I am missing all of my family and friends back in RI. This season always makes us think of the ones we can't be with. Jose and I have both lost such precious people to us this year (Jose grandmother and my godmother) that it will make the holidays a little more sentimental than usual. I am looking for two very special angel ornaments to place on our tree in memory of them. We both carry such wonderful memories with them and I know that is how they would both want to be remembered.
New Years will follow shortly after and y'all know what that means, right?! It means that it is time to revisit my to-do list for 2009 and put up my to-do list for 2010. I know that there are things that I was not able to do for 2009 but I did get through most of my list and I have tried to stay on track. I hope that everyone has their own list to go through. A new year means anything can happen but you have to make it happen !
So that is it for now. I just wanted to tell you all that I am thinking of you even though I might not send out an email or pick up the phone. You are all in my heart and never too far from my thoughts.
Love you all !
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thankfulness
Once again, it has been a while since I have written. On my drive to work this morning, I had so many things that I wanted to discuss on here but one thing has snuck into my thoughts and managed to engulf my day so that is what I will share today.
The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away and Christmas will be here before you know it. This weekend, I somehow got blessed with the Christmas spirit early. I picked up a Christmas CD and instantly was transformed. I baked with the kids, listened to jingles and just really enjoyed myself. I would have put up the Christmas tree with all the spirit and energy that I had but my mother told me that I was insane. Frankly, I think that I agreed with her...lol.
Larissa's party was a success, as all of you know. I owe all of that success to a few people that I could not have done it without. My mother of course who made Larissa's dress, helped me with the centerpeices, and all the little details not to mention help out financially to the best she could and helping me set up the hall. My friend Didi, who came in from RI, helped me plan from A-Z, officiated the ceremony and stayed up with me on Saturday night til 3am helping me put together centerpeices and favors and flowers, ect. Not to mention going with me to get the food and helping me set up the hall too. Then there was Paula. She was my rock that kept me up. She helped me plan the food, helped me with all the odds and ends that she had so I didn't have to buy them, she helped me set up and clean up too. And although she is going through one of the most difficult time in her life, she managed to be there looking incredible with her two girls to make sure that Larissa's day was perfect. And lastly, my friend Kelly...who was at my house helping me transport food, helped me set up and watched CJ for me so that the rest of us could get anything done. Those were my saviors. I am sure they did more than that but that is what I can think of now. And to the rest of you who came and cooked too. I can't thank you enough. I am thankful for all the smiling faces and also thankful for the wonderful food that you helped me provide. I can't thank you all enough. I sincerely could not have done it without y'all. :o)
So with Thanksgiving around the corner, I am realizing how important it really is to be thankful for what you have. There are so many people around me that are in need of so much help right now from jobs to cars to houses and some even food. This economy has effected us all in one way or another. So I have a very strange question to ask you all that I hope you don't take the wrong way. Do you ever think that maybe God had some hand in this economic situation? I mean, we have become such a selfish society placing God at the bottom of our list. We want bigger homes, newer cars, better jobs, more material things, more toys for our kids and we forget to be thankful for all that we have. The roof over our heads, the kids asleep in their beds each night, the food on our tables and the love we have and can share. And most importantly, a God that loves us unconditionaly. Take a moment today to tell all those around you how much you love them because they might not know it and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I love you all !
The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away and Christmas will be here before you know it. This weekend, I somehow got blessed with the Christmas spirit early. I picked up a Christmas CD and instantly was transformed. I baked with the kids, listened to jingles and just really enjoyed myself. I would have put up the Christmas tree with all the spirit and energy that I had but my mother told me that I was insane. Frankly, I think that I agreed with her...lol.
Larissa's party was a success, as all of you know. I owe all of that success to a few people that I could not have done it without. My mother of course who made Larissa's dress, helped me with the centerpeices, and all the little details not to mention help out financially to the best she could and helping me set up the hall. My friend Didi, who came in from RI, helped me plan from A-Z, officiated the ceremony and stayed up with me on Saturday night til 3am helping me put together centerpeices and favors and flowers, ect. Not to mention going with me to get the food and helping me set up the hall too. Then there was Paula. She was my rock that kept me up. She helped me plan the food, helped me with all the odds and ends that she had so I didn't have to buy them, she helped me set up and clean up too. And although she is going through one of the most difficult time in her life, she managed to be there looking incredible with her two girls to make sure that Larissa's day was perfect. And lastly, my friend Kelly...who was at my house helping me transport food, helped me set up and watched CJ for me so that the rest of us could get anything done. Those were my saviors. I am sure they did more than that but that is what I can think of now. And to the rest of you who came and cooked too. I can't thank you enough. I am thankful for all the smiling faces and also thankful for the wonderful food that you helped me provide. I can't thank you all enough. I sincerely could not have done it without y'all. :o)
So with Thanksgiving around the corner, I am realizing how important it really is to be thankful for what you have. There are so many people around me that are in need of so much help right now from jobs to cars to houses and some even food. This economy has effected us all in one way or another. So I have a very strange question to ask you all that I hope you don't take the wrong way. Do you ever think that maybe God had some hand in this economic situation? I mean, we have become such a selfish society placing God at the bottom of our list. We want bigger homes, newer cars, better jobs, more material things, more toys for our kids and we forget to be thankful for all that we have. The roof over our heads, the kids asleep in their beds each night, the food on our tables and the love we have and can share. And most importantly, a God that loves us unconditionaly. Take a moment today to tell all those around you how much you love them because they might not know it and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I love you all !
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