I was sitting with my daughter last night talking about how if you want something in life, you have to work for it. Seriously, she is 17 years old. She will be 18 this year and she simply does not realize that !
Everything has always just happened for her. She is a good kid but the least motivated I have ever seen. Ok, maybe not the least but pretty darn close. She does as little as possible all the time and then tries to make up for it last minute and has always managed to get by, by the skin of her teeth. This has created a monster in her that she doesn’t see. It has given her this feeling of invincibility that she should have already shaken as a child.
The conversation started out simple enough. I told her that she knew going into this year what it was going to mean. You either put your nose to the grindstone and do what you need to do to graduate or you don’t graduate. There is very little wiggle room for her at all. Somehow, that was not enough for her to do it. She bombed first quarter. I mean bombed with a capital “U” which if you don’t know, that is any grade below a 32. I tried explaining to her then that this was going to make it even harder for her to graduate and she needed to step up. Second quarter report cards came and a wave of emotions went through me. Just me. Because somehow these grades don’t seem to affect her.
Here’s the deal. She did bring up all her grades but Algebra. I have to be proud of that, second quarter grades seemed pretty good. I have agreed to let her go to NC for February vacation but not for the amount of time we discussed. She was pissed. Here was my simple explanation : You gave me some of what I wanted and I am giving you some of what you wanted. She did bring her grades up but because of her low grades first quarter, she is still failing most of her classes. And from my standpoint, as her mother, I see the big picture. She did work on her stuff but not in the way that an almost adult should be working on her grades knowing that her graduation is hanging on thread. She has no motivation, no drive. She needed to work much harder and she knew that. She didn’t work to her potential and then come short. She just did what she needed to do once again just to get by. I saw that in her daily work. I expected more from her and made that clear to her going into second quarter. She did not step it up like she should have and I am not going to step it up either.
I saw that I wasn’t really getting through to her, I really shouldn’t be surprised but I was. I decided to try to change up how I was explaining things to her. She had told me the week before that one of her friends just found out that he was accepted to the college that was his first choice. I told her that is an amazing feeling to get something that you really wanted and worked hard for. She took that the wrong way and just blurted out “you know that college is not an option for me so that is not fair.” What crossed my mind instantly but didn’t come out of my mouth was “that is not my problem, that is not an option because you chose to let it happen” but I didn’t say that. Instead I explained to her that I meant the comment “generally” and I do. I mean that to apply to all aspects of her life. I explained that I just want her to want something, work for it and feel what it feels like to get it. I told her that if graduation is something she wants (and she says that is something she really wants) then she needs to do whatever it takes to get there and feel the proudness of walking that stage at the end of the year. I told her that I want it more for her than for me. If she stays back, all the means for me is that she has to go to high school one more year. It really is not going to change my life but it will change her life.
We discussed how that same motivation applies to finding a job, especially in this economy. I told her that she isn’t doing enough, she needs to call, she needs to let potential employers know that she is serious about getting a job. If she isn’t willing to do all that then she doesn’t really want a job. I was clear in explaining to her that I never thought she would be at this point in her life like this. She is such a smart girl but she just doesn’t care enough about the right things. I want her to have a job and get her own money and go to the store to buy things without having to ask anyone for money. I want her to know what it feels like to have your own money to spend on what you want because you earned it. I want her to feel accomplishment. But she just isn’t willing to work hard enough to get it and that disappoints me beyond words.
She needs to stop being handed things. Maybe I am an enabling her to a point too, at least Jose thinks so. She did improve and I want her to know that I noticed so that she will continue to improve but I want her to know that it is not enough. I want more. The more you give me, the more I give you. I want to see her grow into a responsible and motivated young lady and I am scared that I have not been able to guide her enough to get her there. Where have I gone wrong?
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