Christmas is in 3 days. Christmas Eve in 2. My tree has been up since Thanksgiving weekend. Stockings are hung. Most of the presents are wrapped under the tree. But something is missing.
Maybe it’s the year that we have had. The two moves we had, one of which was up the coast back to RI. My mother-in-law’s battle with cancer. The kids struggle with school…everywhere. Being jobless for several months through the summer due to the move and feeling completely helpless. The continued pain of knowing that my mother is just fine with what happened with us. Along with a lot of little things, this was just a year that has definitely taken its toll on me.
Maybe it’s still the feeling of not having a home. For a while Jose and I didn’t even want to buy. The responsibility of everything that comes with it and the burden of feeling stuck really got us down. It wasn’t just us though, we watched many people around us go through the same situation. But being on flip side of it and never knowing what will happen at the end of our lease sucks. It’s an unsettling feeling. Not being able to paint and live comfortably as it is our own home sucks too. The last rental we had in NC was great, except for the area. The landlords were amazing and the house was awesome. It really did feel like home and if I could have picked it up and moved it, I would have been thrilled. But alas we don’t live in a magic land so we had to look for something else. We were tired of the thought of moving so we decided to buy. Still with a little fear of what we were buying we went with a rent to own home. That was short lived but the time that we were there really was amazing. That was home. The house, the neighborhood, the neighbors and everything that went with it. The ideas I had for that place to really make it spectacular. The decorating and upgrades planned. The plan for the shed and the deck. Coming back to RI was not what created this horrible feeling of loss for me. It was having to leave HOME. I hope and pray to find HOME here when our lease is up and then maybe I can get the spirit back.
Or maybe it’s just a sign of the times. People are selfish and grouchy. I hope that it’s not just a sign of the times because that would totally ruin Christmas for me. The commercialism has taken over and the spirit is just gone. I can’t believe what people will do to get the presents they want, the things that parents will do and pay for to get the kids all of the stuff they want. It is all about what “I” want for Christmas everywhere I turn. Everyone trying to outdo the next person. Trying to buy more than last year. Trying to spoil our kids to the point that they no longer even understand the value of a dollar. What has this world come to?
I have gone through the motions. Everything is done but the feeling is not there. It doesn’t feel like Christmas. It’s doesn’t feel joyous and happy. I am still hoping that the feeling kicks me in butt on Christmas Eve so that I can enjoy all that comes with it. But as of right now, it feels like something big is missing.
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