Happy Birthday Pa

I have not been on here for a while. I seem to have gotten lost in everyday life. First it was one thing, then it was another and now it’s just me.

Today is my godfather’s birthday. Some years it hits me like a ton of bricks and others I am ok with it all. My godfather passed when I was 16. You would think that 22 years later, I would be ok but I am not this year. I am pretty sure that it’s everything rolled into this bundle of depression that I feel. I am usually a pretty optimistic person. It’s not even that I am not optimistic because I still am but things are really lingering on me right now. I miss my godfather more than words could express. I wonder what my life would be like if he was still here with me. I would love for my kids to have known him. I know that he is a better place and that he is free from all the pain and suffering that he endured his last months here on earth. My tears are out of pure selfishness. I wish he was here with me. I know he is happy dancing in heaven with my godmother. I know that I will see them both again someday.

Although my godfather passed when I was just 16, he lives in me each and every day. He and my godmother are the MOST influential people in my life. Their family values, their unconditional love, their marriage, their godchildren…it is all what I base my life on. I strive to be as wonderful as they were. Not that they didn’t have problems, everyone has problems but even how they dealt with their problems is to be commended. I am who I am because of them both.

Being back in RI has allowed me to visit the cemetery whenever I want, which has turned out to be a lot. I sneak over there as often as I can. For some reason, it feels like I am with them when I am there. That must sound weird to some of you. I have taken a beach towel and just sat there talking…loudly. I sometimes wonder if there are cameras and if people sit laughing at this crazy girl talking to herself. I cry, I laugh, I tell them about my life and how much I miss them.

Visiting the graves is bittersweet to me because the next grave over is my godmother’s sister and her husband who I grew up with as my aunt and uncle. It was my Uncle Jim that gave me away at my wedding to Larissa and Nathan’s father. They were always there for me and my mother and then one day my mother got into a fight with them and they stopped existing to us. As I got older, I tried to go there and continue the relationships we once had but they were so angry at my mother that I became an outcast too. I will never really know why they would not welcome me back but the pain will always be there.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was able to spend the morning and early afternoon with my best friend’s family celebrating Nori Rain’s 6th birthday. My little sis’ little girl. They are my family. Pretty much my only family left. Then I went to the cemetery to visit my godparents. It got me thinking about family and all that has happened with my mother this year. How it has affected my relationship with my brother and sister. How there are times when I really feel alone. Like my family in Portugal has forgotten all about me. And then I went home and my aunt called me. I picked up the phone in tears. She was just calling to check on me. It was just what I needed. My aunt made me feel better. Although that is just what I needed, I have not fully bounced back from the feeling. This feeling of emptiness. I feel like my world is a little right side up.

But today is not about me. It’s about the most amazing godfather, grandfather and father that I have had. He was all three to me. He is my shining star. You are in my thoughts today and always. I love you Pa. I hope that you are having an amazing celebration with the love of your life. You deserve infinite happiness.