My Mommy Melt-Down

I am having a really hard time writing about this. Partly because I know that by putting it on here I will be judged, partly because I still can't believe it myself and partly because it's sort of personal. But this blog is about me...the good, the bad and the ugly. I think this falls under the bad and the ugly.

I had a really bad moment with Nathan on Saturday. For those of you that don't know, Nathan is my twelve year old son but I truly am in denial about how old he is. To me, he is still 8 or 10. He has been giving me nothing but attitude and I finally snapped on Saturday. He was being rude and disrespectful to me and everyone in the family. After I snapped, my first thought was guilt and then I decided to take that opportunity to really have a grown up talk with him, trying to accept his real age of course.

On our way back from a Halloween Party on Saturday, I yelled at him for something (don't even remember what it was now) and he kept telling me to leave him alone. I told him it was my job to NOT leave him alone. He YELLED back at me to leave him alone. I told him that if he wanted to be left alone he could go live with his father (I know that was horrible but it just got worst from there). He told me that it's not like he has a choice, I won't let him. I responded with the reason the doesn't have a choice is that his father doesn't want to be a full time father and never has (another stupid comment out of sheer anger). He cried, I stressed.

When we got home I decided to talk to him calmly without yelling....what a concept, I know ! I brought Larissa in on it because she spent the summer with him and it was a real eye opener for her to see what I do for them on a daily basis. She had a very difficult time while she was there. She realized that all that I do for her is not an automatic. I do everything that I do because my family is the most important thing in my life. I do it not because I feel as though I have to but because I want to. Her father didn't do anywhere near close to the things that I do. It aslo had nothing to do with the fact that he was working...for God's sake, I work full time too, he is not the only working parent out there. She was the one cleaning up after him and cooking for him when her grandmother wasn't home. He wouldn't just sit and listen to her when she needed to talk to him about her day or about something exciting that happened. Larissa talked a little bit to Nathan about it and then it was my turn. I told him that I have always been there for him and I will always be there for him. I give him everything that he needs and most of what he wants. And I will continue to do this for him but I expect respect in return. I also explained to him that his father hasn't been around, not because I haven't allowed it, but because he hasn't wanted to. Time is just not something that their father has chosen to make for them. When he decides to have time, that is when he calls or comes to visit, not just now but when we lived in RI too. I really wasn't rude about it, just matter of factly about it. It might sound horrible but it was nice to have an adult talk with him. I told him that I will always be here for him and I will always provide for him and I will always love him. Respect is a small price to pay for all that. I think that he really got it because he was clearly upset when he went to sleep but when he woke up, he came over to me and gave me a kiss and told me he loves me and hugged me. Sweet moments with my precious....BIG BOY !

I have always talked about the grudge that comes with doing it all and having part time fathers who take the glory because they do such great things the few times a year they are with them. I strictly speaking of the fathers who choose to only spend a couple of times a year with their children, not the ones that are restricted by visitation rights. I never put a restriction on visitation. He could see them anytime he wanted, I would share birthdays, holidays, you name it. I often shared these things with the rest of his family with him being absent by choice. I never thought I would ever talk to Nathan like that because I want him to see it for himself but he is getting older and I felt that he needed to really understand what is going on. I should explain that I have never ever talked bad about their father to them. I don't want their judgement of him to be about my words but about their experience with him. I was overloaded from the Halloween weekend and the teenage hormones in my house are getting out of control and I did something that I should not have done. But I did try to make the most out of the situation though. I really do feel horrible but now that it's done, I sort of feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my chest. URGH ! This parenting thing is so much harder as they get older. I am ready for the comments and judgement.