This weekend I had a melt down. A meltdown over something so small that I don't even remember what it was. I lie, I do remember but I am too embarrassed to admit it. You see, the ice-cream truck comes every single day at noon and again at 4:30 and parks right in front of my house for about 5 minutes. I don't mind getting ice-cream for the kids but I am not working and spending the money they charge on ice-cream each day so that this ice-cream truck driver can put his kids through school is not my idea of how we are going to get through this tough time. So I said no and CJ had a tantrum which seemed to go on forever because the damn truck wouldn't go away with the musical song it plays through it's duration. That was it. And it went downhill from there.
At the end of my melt down because I obviously thought I had not effected my family enough, I did the one thing that I had never done before...I turned my anger at Jose. Being the most amazing man in the world, he let me finish my own tantrum and then calmly talked to me. He understands how it wasn't about the ice-cream truck at all but about everything. The move after move, the unpacking, the being home with the kids all summer, the endless appointments to get them ready for school, my weight and most importantly...my unemployment situation.
We all have a balance in our lives that keep us sane. Everyone's balance is different depending on your life. My balance has always been about home and work. I have said it a million times over and I will say it again...I give the stay at home moms the biggest credit in the world. I have always worked though. I have always been independent and I have a desire to become something in addition to my wonderful role of trying to be the best mother possible, which I was far from this weekend. My job has always grounded me by bringing in the balance. Being away all day, working hard and discovering who I am and what I want to be, only made me a better person and allowed me to walk through my doors with a clear head and open arms. I don't have that sanity right now. The past couple of months have just gotten worst as the time goes on. My search for a job continues but I have had no offers and it has added a great amount of stress on my part.
Not having a job throws off my balance. Much like not having my children throws off my balance or Jose being away throws off my balance. Those are norms in my life and when something is shifted, the tower is likely to fall. I fell this weekend.
Jose reassured me that just like everything else, we will get through this too. We have been through a lot in the past couple of years. It doesn't help that I was also sick this weekend and that just added to my feeling like crap...lol. I am better today and trying to stay focused on the things that need to be done before school starts next week. I have middle school open house today, Kindergarten open house and orientation tomorrow and Nathan's dr's appointment on Wednesday. Wednesday is also Jose's birthday and I had wanted to throw a big surprise party for him for his 30th but with me not working, that just can't happen which really disappoints me.
I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason so I am going to remember that and realize that there is a reason that I have not found a job yet. I need to really try to enjoy this last week of summer vacation with my kids because it is coming to a close very quickly. Thank you all for enduring my endless rant about the my off balance life.
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