Settling In

The move went well. My villiage...my tribe came through. The girls started helping me clean at 7:30am and then helped me move all boxes and bags in their cars. Jose helped too even though I know it was extremely uncomfortable for him. The girls left and Jose and I got the moving truck and went to go get the sofa bed and dresser. Jose, Jared, Nathan and I moved all the furniture into the moving truck. And then Jared had plans with his girlfriend but Jose, Nathan and I finished the night. I know this is going to sound weird but I am so thankful to all of the help that Jose gave me. The emotions in me are just all over the place.

I had the kids this weekend. By kids of course I mean CJ, Nathan and Jared...lol. Jared has become a permanent fixture. Last weekend was Jose's weekend and Nathan and Jared decided to stay there with Jose until Monday. I got a lot done with all the boys gone. This weekend was more fine tuning. I am working on making our apartment a home. Nathan and Jared will do what they need in Nathan's room. I just need to get a few more under bed boxes for them to store stuff under the bed. CJ's room is almost done. I finally put his dresser together this weekend. I just have a few more things that I need for his room to be done. The living looks great. The only thing that I really need to do in there is put up stuff on the walls and paint...not necessarily in that order. The kitchen needs some decorating and the bathroom needs curtains. The dining room is a work in progress. I keep moving things around and I don't know what it will end up looking like once I am done. My bedroom is another work in progress. The sofa bed I bought is a big disaster. I couldn't sleep at all on the mattress it came with. I thought the additional futon mattress was going to help. It did for a week but this weekend it started to sink into the same spots as the mattress below it. So I have ordered a platform bedframe that is coming in on Friday.

Let's start with me... I don't usually start with me. I am usually the last one but I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. Since it's all me now, it's extra important. I am doing OK. I put OK in caps because I moving through life in the motions that I have to in order to get through life. The loneliness has not set in. I think that I have just been so busy getting everything in order and keeping everyone on track that I have not had time to feel lonely. I am numb. I don't want to feel. Sometimes I feel as though I have moved the family to a new house and I am just waiting for Jose to arrive. I still feel like this is one big nightmare. I don't feel as though this is real. I don't want this to be real.

CJ seems to be handling things well. I think it's too soon for me to say something like that but it's where we are at right now. Last weekend he saw both of us all weekend so I don't think any of it has really effected him. He was with me Wednesday through Sunday. Everything seems normal. He had an issue with his computer and Jose came over to help fix it on Sunday. Today and tomorrow he is with Jose and then back to me for Wednesday and Thursday and then he starts his string of days with Jose. He will be there Friday-Tuesday. I keep saying that at some point he is going to feel different but I am not so sure. I mean Jose and I are darn good parents. We want the same thing for CJ. I would like to think that we will do everything in our power to make sure that he continues to get love and attention from both of us. But I know that divorce can be a really ugly thing. People change. I hope that is not the case but I am aware and prepared.

Nathan was really effected when it happened but I think that he has settled into our new current situation. He seems to realize that he can keep his relationship with Jose. That was one of his biggest concerns after my heart being broken. Seeing my son curled up in a ball on my lap was one of the saddest moments with him. His heart was breaking for me.

Larissa is in protection mode. What do you need mom? How can I help mom? I can take care of you mom. It's a proud mom moment for me to see my kids rally for me. I wish it wasn't under these circumstances though.

Mason hasn't even realized anything yet. I think that he just thinks that we all moved. That is all he really needs to think right now.

So as I settle into my new norm, I have to stop and be thankful. We all have our health. I have a reliable car that gets to my great job that allows me to keep a roof over my head. My boss has been helpful in any way that he can and his wife is the most amazing person ever. The love and support that I have received from everyone is just overwhelming. I am truly blessed.